Vague communication

I wonder if folks can help me out in understanding what is behind the "vague" communication style that seems to be common with many HPDs.

My possible HPD ex-gf...she definitely is not one to go into details about much. As some may know if you've visited the SO board recently, she and I are talking again. Perhaps I have been "hoovered" as they say, but I want to keep my bearings (already it has not been easy).

As an example, she texted me yesterday she was leaving work early to go to children's hospital. I texted back, what's going on at children's hospital? No reply. I actually think she was lying to me because her online calendar said "lunch with JC" (a female friend of hers). I rarely look at her online calendar, but something seemed fishy to me because of her vagueness -- and the fact that it seems she pulls out these hospital and sick themes whenever she feels on the spot by me. She possibly did not want me to know that she's going to lunch with a friend because she is extremely fickle to spend time with me (yet she likes to know I'm there obviously as i have been hoovered.)

Is the vague style possibly to cover up untruths? Or is it a lack of depth in general? Because there are other examples that I could give where I don't suspect a lie, but the vagueness is there too.

What do folks think is a cause of the unusual vagueness? It seems with many HPD traits you can trace back to a childhood cause, but not sure about vagueness.

Thanks.

My only experience with HPD is a suspected condition of my mother. (either HPD or NPD) but she is not vague.

Vague just sounds like the standard tactic of people who are trying to hide something and who are not very good liars.

I would not suggest this is shallowness in itself. Just deceitful.

I.In acting and receiving attention, an HPD suppresses who they are.
II. Through tempestuous defiance and narcissism, an HPD more vigorously denies who they are,
III.In depression, they fact that they have lost something near and dear to them begins to suggest to themselves who they are.
IV. In dissociation who they are emerges, but they get overwhelmed.
V. In self-awareness, they begin the process of learning who they are.
VI. In recovery they finally accept who they are, and move on, with newly found resources.

Most active HPDs live day to day in stages I or II, punctuated by stage III episodes every few months shared with a confidant. Some have stage IV episodes, in which they disappear from the public radar screen, going off by themselves to be alone for a few days.

Anyhow I would speculate that HPD flag behaviors like vagueness, hesitation, non-sequiters, gullibility, impressionable-ness, approach/seduce/then retreat, echo-speak, etc., all come from
(1) a conscious desire to conceal from others what an HPD affected person thinks they are inside, replacing it with the false self and the acting, in essence, hiding from others, which when done for years, segue ways into
(2) a semi-conscious or unconscious desire to avoid looking within themselves...in essence, hiding from themselves

Good post orion.

On a scale it seems that BPD types are the most in touch with their feelings, but are over-whelmed by them. On the other end of the scale are the AsPD types who block out nearly all feelings. Both are relatively easy to understand extremes, though of the later group I can't remember meeting one who lamented who they are. From a certain point of view there is a certain power in being free of emotions. Unfortunately it's often used for personal gain at others expense. Their minds are often left devoid of much to do but figure out ways to get what they want.

HPD/NPD types seem to be more in the middle. They feel, but a lot of the deeper painful feelings are often blocked. Using the same reasoning as the AsPD types, there are certain advantages to blocking out deeper feelings. Because of the advantages, there is not necessarily a lot of motivation to feel any more deeply. In a way a person with HPD can be very successful because of their coping mechanism, if by success a person measures it in terms of the quantity of people who approve/pursue/affirm us. There can also be practical benefits, perhaps marrying into wealth, or a job in which the histrionic personality type flourishes. In many jobs it's encouraged to always smile, be likeable, agreeable, stroke the ego of customers, and... keep conversation shallow and positive!

By keeping conversation shallow (and vague) there are benefits -

Avoid topics that could lead to strife, and therefore disagreement/disapproval.

Shallow/vague conversation can be useful for engaging others in a safe way, without needing to disclose anything much about oneself, and without needing to hear anything much about the other person.

For someone who could break down, keeping things light and mindless avoids all of that. Got to keep that smile up

The stereotype that some men just want an empty headed agreeable smiling hot partner may apply. For someone who is primarily driven by approval/attention, it's not hard to see how living the stereotype could be tempting, even if they are very intelligent and have a lot of depth, if it's never encouraged, even discouraged, it's not hard to see why someone could learn to hide it, even come to believe they have nothing more of depth to say. Hey, when a conversation gets into any depth, there is a very good chance we're going to run into others who disagree with us. Egos may get hurt. Approval may be withdrawn. Just avoid all that and be happy! (ugh!)

Really appreciate the replies Orion & Xdude, that's valuable feedback.

I hope to give an update soon...hopefully tomorrow. It's only been a week since I OP'd this, but already a lot has taken place between TL (my ex-gf) and myself to sort out (nothing too crazy, but mind-boggling nonetheless).