HPD Wife? Need help please, from nons and HPDs

masquerade wrote:Ps With regard to my above post, this is in no way to imply that you are in any way to blame. Your wife is the one who is being abusive and hurtful, and SHE is responsible for her behaviour. You, who are not disordered, however, can look at the situation more objectively and take steps to ensure that she is not being enabled in any way. It's not easy to do though, especially when you're entrenched in a disordered situation.

It's all about letting her face the consequences of her actions herself.

I agree it's totally your wife and I get all of it. We HPD's are something else. In my case, I don't much care about it. It is what it is.

I would ask you is she part of your inner circle? I am not nor do I want to be. - I haven't introduced her to my close friends, so no yet.

I think his personality was always passive and I spotted it a mile away. You know how good we are at that - How did you spot that a mile away?

What would have happened if deep down he was this strong guy who wasn't really going to take any crap from someone and could have walked away if he wanted? How would you have reacted to him?

Cloaked wrote:I would ask you is she part of your inner circle? I am not nor do I want to be. - I haven't introduced her to my close friends, so no yet. That's what I thought Do you think she will fit in?


I think his personality was always passive and I spotted it a mile away. You know how good we are at that - How did you spot that a mile away? You can't tell if a person is passive within the first 30 minutes? I can definitely. Body language, speech, comfort level, etc.... easy
What would have happened if deep down he was this strong guy who wasn't really going to take any crap from someone and could have walked away if he wanted? How would you have reacted to him?

that is an impossibility

Cloaked wrote:
I would ask you is she part of your inner circle? I am not nor do I want to be. - I haven't introduced her to my close friends, so no yet. That's what I thought Do you think she will fit in? NO, absolutely not, she has complained I don't invite friends over to the house and I have just looked at her with no response, short of saying it's because of you. I still see my friends when I want but just not in my house.

I think his personality was always passive and I spotted it a mile away. You know how good we are at that - How did you spot that a mile away? You can't tell if a person is passive within the first 30 minutes? I can definitely. Body language, speech, comfort level, etc.... easy. So I take it closed body language? high pitch or montone speech? not very confortable in social situations? doesn't easily open up in new social situations?

What would have happened if deep down he was this strong guy who wasn't really going to take any crap from someone and could have walked away if he wanted? How would you have reacted to him? that is an impossibility - but what if he thought 'I don't like this crap anymore I've had enough and I'm going to continue to be passive but live my own life, happy, on my own terms, with someone who treats me with a bit more respect' (or even changes and starts to assert himself more and just becomes mega confident in his own ability to dominate you)???

Cloaked wrote:Cloaked wrote:
I would ask you is she part of your inner circle? I am not nor do I want to be. - I haven't introduced her to my close friends, so no yet. That's what I thought Do you think she will fit in? NO, absolutely not, she has complained I don't invite friends over to the house and I have just looked at her with no response, short of saying it's because of you. I still see my friends when I want but just not in my house.
Same with us but again, with me it's by choice. He makes his own choices too and is a little bit active in some areas, more the merrier for me. This is not going to change

I think his personality was always passive and I spotted it a mile away. You know how good we are at that - How did you spot that a mile away? You can't tell if a person is passive within the first 30 minutes? I can definitely. Body language, speech, comfort level, etc.... easy. So I take it closed body language? high pitch or montone speech? not very confortable in social situations? doesn't easily open up in new social situations? No, I'm speaking nothing like that at all. Just people, not gay or strait, I can just tell if a person is submissive. They speak quieter, they are not active, home bodies, not socially ept, things like that.

What would have happened if deep down he was this strong guy who wasn't really going to take any crap from someone and could have walked away if he wanted? How would you have reacted to him? that is an impossibility - but what if he thought 'I don't like this crap anymore I've had enough and I'm going to continue to be passive but live my own life, happy, on my own terms, with someone who treats me with a bit more respect' (or even changes and starts to assert himself more and just becomes mega confident in his own ability to dominate you)???

It wont happen

Hi Cloaked
I would interpret her "clinginess" in a positive way...namely that she is subconsciously reaching out to you for help, however distorted it might seem.
Also, probably unecessary, but just wanted to make clear that IMO manipulation and ' looking out for number one' were proposed as shorter term interim containment measures, to prevent what seemed like a deteriorating situation from getting worse, before you and your wife got professional help in order to save your marriage.
I agree with Masq, namely that no healthy marriage can survive in the long term, unless fear and manipulation are replaced with trust and committment, which is the foundation for the marital bond.

As to whether or not your wife is HPD, and whether or not the two of you can work it all out, if it were me, and I still loved her, I would invest the time and money in a professional evaluation. This might involve short term seperations.
Just sayin...
Best results for you and your wife,
orion

Cloaked, take a look at my thread.

http://www.psychforums.com/family-support/topic109012.html

If this thread seems like your own relationship fast-forwarded about 6 years, please do yourself a favor and DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT. My ex-wife has basically completely hurt everyone including our own 5 and 2 year old children because of her sickness. The woman completely destroyed my confidence and it's taken me almost a year to stop kicking my own a$$ over the whole mess. I only cry over my children now because I know none of us deserved this crap, but there's nothing we can do because she believes there's nothing wrong with her, and she's convinced everyone in her circle that it was me all along. Sucks for the kids, but I honestly believe she did me a huge favor and I've already met someone normal who treats me with respect and love and appreciation.

ridingthewtfbus wrote:Cloaked, take a look at my thread.

http://www.psychforums.com/family-support/topic109012.html

If this thread seems like your own relationship fast-forwarded about 6 years, please do yourself a favor and DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT. My ex-wife has basically completely hurt everyone including our own 5 and 2 year old children because of her sickness. The woman completely destroyed my confidence and it's taken me almost a year to stop kicking my own a$$ over the whole mess. I only cry over my children now because I know none of us deserved this crap, but there's nothing we can do because she believes there's nothing wrong with her, and she's convinced everyone in her circle that it was me all along. Sucks for the kids, but I honestly believe she did me a huge favor and I've already met someone normal who treats me with respect and love and appreciation.

I happen to agree, no kids and make sure. I do not have any by choice. Probably the single smartest thing I have done in my life time. As indicated, disaster waiting to happen

From my own experience, being non-passive and fighting back really isn't so great either. Win many battles and still felt like I was losing the war, with my own sense of self. The short version being, but why should I have to fight so hard? If the other person can't fight for 'us', the best possible interpretation is they just can't because of their nature, and the worst possible interpretation is I/we are not worth fighting for too. Either way it's a lopsided relationship. A non-passive approach may keep her more involved, but it ends up feeling like blackmail, like needing to take your kids to Disneyland every weekend to keep the peace. Just not healthy all around.

Cloaked -

From a more compassionate point of view let's say she has an essentially fragile ego that is buried under layers of walls/outer-ego, coping mechanisms. Leaving her may or may not really hurt her, but to tell her (and for her to process) that there is something fundamentally wrong with her? - That's perhaps the biggest ego bruise of all. Really none of us entirely loves being told we are wrong about even small matters, but for someone to tell us there is something fundamentally wrong with our entire personality, and our perception of much of our past, well really, it's not going to happen even for someone with a strong ego let alone a fragile ego.

xdude wrote:
Cloaked -

From a more compassionate point of view let's say she has an essentially fragile ego that is buried under layers of walls/outer-ego, coping mechanisms. Leaving her may or may not really hurt her, but to tell her (and for her to process) that there is something fundamentally wrong with her? - That's perhaps the biggest ego bruise of all. Really none of us entirely loves being told we are wrong about even small matters, but for someone to tell us there is something fundamentally wrong with our entire personality, and our perception of much of our past, well really, it's not going to happen even for someone with a strong ego let alone a fragile ego.

From my own experience I hope she is ready to hear because until that happens, it goes on deaf ear. Just reality IMHO