Quick detachment from love and relationship

People say HPDs fall in live quickly, and get out of it even more quickly.
Quick detachment.

However I think, it is not like what nons think...
Non people seem to be able to admit that they can't quickly detach themselves from something
but HPDs, even though it's difficult for them too but kind of hide it....

Like when I end relationship someone, to other people it seem like i am detached so quickly
I behave like it, but actually in my mind.....
taking quite a while... ..

Interesting YYYYY. My ex-gf...before she broke up with me...if we did have a conflict, and we didn't speak for several days, she would appear pretty happy to others. But, when we reconnected, she would then say "I missed you!" and that always surprised me because it didn't look like she did. Also, she wasn't really able to express more of her feelings on a deeper level other than to say she missed me, but there was a bit of a forlorn flavor to this expression, like it really did hit on a deeper level, she just didn't have the words to articulate it.

Also, though since the breakup (and she is apparently "with" her ex-roommate who is however now long distant a few states away), she acts happy. Yet she has made attempts to reconnect with me several times in 6 months, and seems to still attempt to gain my attention. So it makes me wonder if she really is not happily detached from me, despite her happy persona.

I guess I am wondering why you would hide your feelings? And what causes you to suddenly end a relationship (i.e., quick detachment)?

i call it my game face...which i always have on. never let them see you sweat, right?

@arthurk - many things can cause someone to end a relationship quickly...
1. found someone else
2. got dangerously close and couldn't handle the intensity/triggers
3. fell out of like/love/infatuation
4. better off as friends
5. did something unforgivable
and btw, your an excellent source of supply for your ex so she'll continue to toy with you until you stop.

Yes, all good explanations why a relationship may be ended quickly, though in particular I was wondering about why one would end it themselves suddenly, then appear detached emotionally -- even happy -- but really feeling differently (i.e., not necessarily happy) inside. I can see how some of the scenarios you listed could result in that -- particularly something like #2 or #5. So yeah, that's what I find interesting -- feeling one way inside, but putting on the "game face". It does seem there is a pride factor too -- as you said, you don't want them to have the satisfaction of seeing you "sweat" or be down.

Anyway, yes, true, I'm quite a source of supply. One thing I struggle with is detachment myself. For example, last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and one of the first things you learn about in Al-Anon is detachment -- but not just simply detachment, but "detachment with love". So this was brought up by a sharer last night and reminded me of the concept. I think I would like to be able to do that with my ex-gf...particularly since we are now working so close vicinity in the same office...but have a hard time actually pinpointing what that would look like for me. I mean, in part it would be not getting so rattled by any HPD-like behavior from her, while maintaining compassion and dignity toward her. Maybe being able to smile at her and say "hi" if we cross paths. But, that in itself could be "supply" I suppose. It seems most on this board think no contact is the thing to do...but for me that seems like I copped out and robbed myself of a growing opportunity to rise above the circumstance...though I feel I am failing as right now I can't even look her in the eye.

YYYYY:

when you detach, does your wording becomes kurt and formal as well if you stay in touch and send IM's etc? Kinda like 3-5 word answers/sentences when asked something but not really reaching out yourself -- if the break up was recent.

Would you be able to work on a project together? Or only if you never really cared about the guy to begin with so it's easy to maintain that level of communication, in that manner?

catch22 wrote:YYYYY:

when you detach, does your wording becomes kurt and formal as well if you stay in touch and send IM's etc? Kinda like 3-5 word answers/sentences when asked something but not really reaching out yourself -- if the break up was recent.

Would you be able to work on a project together? Or only if you never really cared about the guy to begin with so it's easy to maintain that level of communication, in that manner?

catch22 -

yYyYy is no longer a member here, so i'm going to toss in my $.02!

YES. once i'm no longer interested, i'll go from to , however, i'll still stay 'engaged' just to keep you around for supply when needed.

what kind of project? the work kind? if it's work, yes, and i'll make sure that i do it 40 times better than you and try and show you up.

wineaux wrote:

YES. once i'm no longer interested, i'll go from to , however, i'll still stay 'engaged' just to keep you around for supply when needed.

what kind of project? the work kind? if it's work, yes, and i'll make sure that i do it 40 times better than you and try and show you up.

Thank you for answering that -- it did bother me!

"Project" is actually wrong word. We're a national club/group for professionals in a particular field and she can join (and pay for that). Then there are different projects within. I"m the co-founder. We're not huge yet but have the potential to become nr1 in the next 12 months.

We were never in a real relationship, but exchanged 35,000 very passionate messages in a few months time and I was going to visit her in September. That suddenly she stopped on July 3rd and she was online for hours ignoring me all of a sudden. I got into a rage, said some very confronting things about manipulative behavior etc and that there have to be rules in communication and she was breaking mine (I know: I am definitely NPD(-ish?)) .

She then said I just got pissed off b/c I didn't get "enough" attention. I realized my mistake and came back with: "don;t worry about that anymore I really don't care about your freakin attention" and was as kurt as she was back at her. I changed my style as instantly as she had done. Ice against ice. If I am on a war path, I can. She pissed me off (even if it hurts) and so I am.

I did apologize 2x for lashing out as it was a pretty intense anger attack. Not b/c I think I was wrong, but knowing in her mind I'm at fault and I preferred to smooth things out - damage control wise -- for work. So I gave her that victory, completely against my nature which is to go full force at it -- destruction mode.

Since then she is still kurt, responds hours or days later, tried to one-up me once (smacked it down right away with arguments she never responded to) but at the same time asks how I am, weekend was, or gives a compliment about work. That was a noticeable change the last 3 days. I answer those in item-based very short emotionless messages as if it's a "action point" I need to respond to. But she still stalls with answering pretending to "ignore me".

Question:
So even though one could construe this as "indifference" it feels more like a childish "I"m gonna stick it to you" which is not indifference. That puzzles me. I wonder if the fact we never actually met, also has an impact in the sense that the rejection is less intense and can swing back again to "interested" , b/c either way it wasn't really "real"? And is my approach the right approach (also work-wise)?

In fact it gets more baffling. She now brings up she doesn't know if she wants to join our group (professionals). Fine with me b/c quite frankly..not that eager she does but it's just a bit complicated work-wise and I am not the only decision maker.

So.. when I point out she's more than WELCOME NOT to join (hint!!) and she should ONLY do it if it makes PERFECT sense (hint!) and then she freaking backpaddles on me and says she didn't say she didn't just that she had QUESTIONS. Right. So I am giving her a deadline now as well when we speak. No need to drag $#%^ and her toying on. It's a weird change though from the bitch-slap answers I got just last week when I was still trying to be nice.

I wonder if she wants to do Skype video to look me in the eyes and feel the ice or feel I am just pretending. Could be wrong. In that case bad luck coz my mom is a (recently diagnosed) BPD and she was a great teacher in: "not showing your emotions if you wanted to give someone a cold shoulder by having a blank look in your eyes". She even made me practice when I was a kid.. she felt ammo I could use.

I am a bit surprised by the sudden change. Hard to keep up. And also puzzling where this ends.

you still have feelings for her, don't you?

We're speaking civilly. But if you know it, she knows it. Thanks for that. As there may be a chance we'll be linked professionally. I'll keep it even more casual and slowly fade out. As for work, IF that happens (but I am starting to have my doubts) then I hope others can take over.