What qualifies as a fan club?

The concept of a "fan club" is interesting. I wonder what actually constitutes, or qualifies as, a fan club.

For example, and this is kind of a funny story, one of the first times I asked to go out with my ex-gf, we made lunch plans. Then, at the last minute she invited two work friends along...in fairness, she did not mean to, but she told the friends she and I were going out for lunch and they invited themselves and she didn't want to say no, and I too would have felt awkward to tell them no, though I was bummed she and I couldn't have some alone time.

Later that same day she was going to play softball on a recreational team she joined. I joked with her asking if she was going to invite some of her friends out onto the field with her. (This was one strategy I did learn, though sometimes struggled to use, was humor when I felt she didn't give me enough time...rather than feeling whiny if she chose others (friends) over me, I found if I used humor she was disarmed and wanted to be with me more.) She laughed. She then told me "hey, I've got 542 contacts in my phone". I joked some more and said "Are you going to invite them all with us the next time we go out?" She laughed some more. She likes to laugh, that girl.

But I'm wondering if 542 contacts is signs of a "fan club"? Also, on recent holidays at work she has sent out greetings to everyone in the entire organization (a few hundred people). No other secretary I've known in 22 years with the company has ever done that...she is not secretary of all these people. But to be honest, she did it after she and I had some squabbles...as if it was a way to get to me and say "see how personable I am? I have status."

Additionally, there are men from her past who still try to contact her...and a few guys even in the office who have hit on her. A couple men I have seen as very inappropriate...one from a married fellow and the other touching her in a questionable manner and he too is married. Yet she keeps them in her circle of friends nonetheless. She told me too that a lot of men she is friends with would like to be with her...but she wasn't interested in being with them. (I have to wonder why I was special at all sometimes.)

As far as Facebook goes, I have no idea how many friends she has on there. Strangely, though I offered to be her Facebook "friend" a few times, she never took me up on it...and in a way I didn't mind either because I wasn't sure it would be good if we were in each other's Facebook business all the time. Maybe I sensed that if I was, something might have upset me. Hmm... As for my own, I had nothing to hide. But, it is weird how "social media" has changed how we view relationships. In a way I don't like it because it seems a status symbol, or a way of indicating a person's value to you.

Mostly though I would say, from what I can gather, her fan club is made up primarily of friends and acquaintances but for a few guys who may have interest in her but she sees them as only friends. I have had no reason to think that she's had other guys while she and I were dating...but the sudden taking up with the roommate was weird.

Another thing about her is that she always feels she has to attend every function she is invited to, no matter how close she really is to that person, or if she hasn't associated with them in eons. This was frustrating as far as getting time together because she couldn't say no to people, she felt obligated to them...even if she was wearing herself out.

Anyway, not sure exactly what a fan club really looks like...but maybe it varies.

Yes sir...........she has a fan club.


more later............ gotta go to work.........

What you describe sounds like classic fanclub.

My friend has HPD and everyone is in her fanclub; old classmates, bartenders, the oil man, the plumber... We went to Target the other day and every employee asked her how her situation was going with her ex-boyfriend. They all knew about her tragic story. She'll tell anyone her story and when they show sympathy for her, she befriends them. She has no shame. These people are just asking to be polite because they recognize her. It's a superficial conversation to them. But she thinks they're kissing her ass. (hence fan club) It pumps her up. It's her feed. One of the stock boys even told her he knew 'some people' that could take care of her ex. LOL

But ironically, she only respects the people that tell her to f-off when she's out of control.

LOL, Atrium, that's too much...even Target employees. Wow.

I'm also thinking Facebook must be an HPD person's dream come true.

But ironically, she only respects the people that tell her to f-off when she's out of control.

As far as this goes...I am wondering in part if this is because of an inner desire to have been guided more as a child...as it seems most HPD persons stories I've been learning about had turbulent childhoods with parents not fulfilling their parently duties of providing structure, discipline, etc.

So, though I have felt bad to stand up to my possible HPD ex-gf, pointing out her peculiar behavior (while trying to balance being humble about my own shortcomings) -- and on a couple occasions she has declared me "erased" -- eventually she forgives my "transgressions".

So I wonder if this is actually a good thing...that someone calls her out when her behavior goes too far. As long as it is done in a composed and mature way. If it does, on some level, inspire respect. However, you state she only respects those who tell her to "f off" -- and using the f word doesn't quite seem like a composed way. It does seem for some who grew up in a "rougher" environment, that they only do respect those who use a more profane way to "call them out".

There has been a little discussion about Alpha vs. Beta partners in recent posts (usually in reference to men). It seems usually an Alpha male Is seen more as the "bad boy" type...while the Beta is seen as more of the "nice guy". But if the nice guy has just enough alpha to stand up to her, well, it does seem somewhat like filling a fatherly role.

I really don't know.

Some people I just view as 'friends' other people referred to them as my 'fanclub'

KISS

ArthurK wrote:
I'm also thinking Facebook must be an HPD person's dream come true.

But ironically, she only respects the people that tell her to f-off when she's out of control.

As far as this goes...I am wondering in part if this is because of an inner desire to have been guided more as a child...as it seems most HPD persons stories I've been learning about had turbulent childhoods with parents not fulfilling their parently duties of providing structure, discipline, etc.

So I wonder if this is actually a good thing...that someone calls her out when her behavior goes too far. As long as it is done in a composed and mature way.

I thought the same thing about FB.

I agree it's about being guided by parent figure.

It has nothing to do with composure and everything to do with if she respects you or not. HPDs are keen social observers. She already knows if you weaker or stronger than she is. If you are perceived as weaker you will not be able to tell her to F-off, she will make you pay. If you are perceived as stronger--even if she is just idolizing you as stronger, she will respect you for telling her to f-off. You'd have to impress her with that strength right away.

The more indifferent and detached you are to her behavior will give you her respect. And she will work hard to earn your praise. The more you apologize, grovel, kiss up, tolerate her bs, the more she will see you as weak and you will put into her fanclub.

Alright....I think everybody has the right to have friends. Some could have few and some could have many.

For me... a fan club member is someone who is eigther kept in line with the hope of a relationship (sex) in future or somone who use to be in relationship with the said HPD (dating and having sex) and then suddenly pushed away and denied that priviledge but still kept in line hoping to get it again someday.

the 542 contacts could be "just" friends. why not.

by the way, your particular case looks like "she is just not into you that much" thing.

But i could be wrong.

Alright....I think everybody has the right to have friends. Some could have few and some could have many.

True enough Trip. For example, I know a woman who has over 300 friends on Facebook and loves to socialize...and though she seems to love taking self-portraits for her Facebook photo, and I sense a bit of self-infatuation, I don't see that she has any other PD type traits...she just is a people person and a little conceited. Some extroverted people "network". I suppose it becomes a little more suspect, however, if over 500 contacts is joined with some other traits that fall in PD criteria.

But yes, I wasn't clear if a fan club consists primarily of would-be suitors or if it can be a broader definition of just needing a lot of people -- friends, acquaintances, and hopeful or former lovers -- to provide attention and status in order to fill up a hole inside.

by the way, your particular case looks like "she is just not into you that much" thing.

But i could be wrong.

Well, as much as the thought of that smarts, because I don't know if a woman has ever truly been in love with me -- or "into" me -- if I look at everything in the course of the 2 years we've been in each others' life...I think she was into me for quite awhile...but there were a number of complicating factors that cropped up -- her stuff and mine. I think she still does have a bond to me -- we affect each other like we still have "something". For example, in a previous post I described how she didn't offer me Easter chocolate one day (though she did to all my cubicle neighbors) because she feared I'd give her an ugly look (she stated this in an IM to me not minutes after she left the cubicle with her Easter basket). So, if I didn't have a hook in her too, why not just not offer me the chocolate and leave and that's it. But no, she IMs me about it. But clearly I am not her primary guy now as she's got the ex-roommate now long distant boyfriend.

But, for an HPD person, or a person exhibiting certain HPD traits...can any guy ever be in the "starring role" for long? Even though some do get married for years, it seems they don't stay intimately connected with their spouses. It seems just a matter of time that a guy is re-assigned to the fan club.

It has nothing to do with composure and everything to do with if she respects you or not. HPDs are keen social observers. She already knows if you weaker or stronger than she is. If you are perceived as weaker you will not be able to tell her to F-off, she will make you pay. If you are perceived as stronger--even if she is just idolizing you as stronger, she will respect you for telling her to f-off. You'd have to impress her with that strength right away.

The more indifferent and detached you are to her behavior will give you her respect. And she will work hard to earn your praise. The more you apologize, grovel, kiss up, tolerate her bs, the more she will see you as weak and you will put into her fanclub.

I suppose what I mean by composure is just what you state: being more detached. I feel in this relationship I failed both myself and her because I lost my detachment. At first in knowing each other I was smitten...but I stayed detached because after 7 years of being single I wasn't really sure I wanted to enter a relationship (I was feeling good as a bachelor for the first time.) But when despite this I started to have those falling in love feelings, I weakened. But I guess who wouldn't start to feel some vulnerability -- can you love someone and not feel any vulnerability at all? By love's very nature seems it is going to touch on some areas where both of you have weaknesses.

But, I can still say, as much as I feel crushed, I likely have handled this better than previous serious relationships. For the 7 single years prior to meeting TL I did a lot of personal work due to a previous relationship with a likely BPD. Time spent in Al-Anon helped. So, I learned there need to be healthy boundaries, proper times to apologize and not grovel, stuff like that. But, sometimes the line of distinction on these things is hazy, or even fluid -- so I struggle with that. Because it's all well and good to try to be "pure" about not being codependent...but I've seen people take an extreme stance. For example, I was at an Al-Anon meeting a couple weeks ago and a couple there explained in their shares that they don't go to each other's house and help with their household chores. The dishes in the sink at his house are his responsibility and the dishes in the sink at her house are her responsibility and they feel to help each other with the others is codependent. Well, I think that is just silly. And in my mind I see them as overcompensating and afraid to truly be close and help one another out of goodwill.

Anyway, I digress a little...but the point is examining what it means to be a person that is respected in the eyes of someone who may have HPD vs someone they view with pity. Maintaining your confidence and a healthy detachment, even if they test you, seems to be key.

542 'friends'?

Let's do some math. There are 52 weeks in a year. If someone spent a week getting to know a new person every week, it would take over 10 years to accumulate that many 'friends', keeping in mind the previous 'friends' would be old news week to week.

One of the symptoms of HPD is believing relationships to be more intimate then they really are ... i.e., thinking someone one has just met is a 'friend'; I think you mean 542 'acquaintances' at best.