Wondering if ex-girlfriend may have HPD

Arthur,


I wonder if we "nice guys" are frequently used for support or as a fall-back guy,
when in reality they really want the new/exciting/bad/.......guys.


Mine tried to use me as her flunky/back-up guy.........


And i decided i was "better than that". And deserved better.


ALWN

Arthur... Listen to what everyone is telling you to do.

I have gone through two relationships that were females who have HPD ( I spent an intensive amount of time on researching HPD and other similar disorders and talking with a lot of med school and psychology students and is without a doubt confirmed they both had it) and I am a nice guy especially with girls I am starting to develop a relationship with...

I have gone through a very very similar situation to you Arthur, no where near as long (first was a year the other was only 4 months) trust me and everyone else, you have to do yourself what is probably going to be an extremely hard thing to do, but completely cut ties and move on... It is going to hurt... it is going to feel miserable... she will keep trying to get your attention in her typical ways indirectly... if you still have the willpower to ignore and move on... then she will start IM... even calling... maybe even trying to track you down and find you in person... and she will tell you things how she is breaking down and needs someone she can talk to you... You cannot let in one bit... you have to move on man.. you sound like a great guy you deserve someone who can truly appreciate it and return the same amount of loving.....


I completely understand, you really do like her.. Its her Charm, her joyfulness, her ways of making you feel valuable to her and saying things that make you feel important and matter... It is the most obvious HPD behavior because they cant handle abandonment... EVEN in the best case scenario where she breaks down crying and comes to you, apologizing for taking all the great things you have done for her for granted... totally removes all ties with ex's and boyfriends... and wants to spend the rest of her life with you... It will be a fantastic, probably the best time of your life lasting a few weeks, maybe even months... then her traditionally ways will naturally comeback... She will start getting "sick again" or someone is in the hospital (and they are good liars, especially added the fact that feelings naturally blind you to deceit) and sometimes it is true when they are sick and hospitalized... which makes you not question it... But those times she's gone... I'm sorry to say she is with someone new.. or an old male "friend" thats giving her that new excitement that gives her a sense of extreme physical desire that fuels her ever so empty tank of self-esteem.. (very typical HPD)

Please move on... you have WASTED so much time with this one... 4 years man thats going to be very hard... I can imagine that friends in real life you tell this about have all told you something like "move on..." or "you can do better..." LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE... and listen to the people here on this forum, they are all experienced with HPD in one way or another man...

Good luck... really I feel for you... Time always does heal.. did for me and countless others

LOL at first reading a few passages I thought you are someone I know and he wrote about me because of how similar stories are LOL

LOL at first reading a few passages I thought you are someone I know and he wrote about me because of how similar stories are LOL

LOL YYYYY You are a treasure on this forum. Strangely I find this encouraging...in that it confirms that my ex-gf may indeed be HPD and at least I can make some sense out of it all.

Also funny is that I too read certain posts on here and wonder if it SHE posting LOL

First laugh I've had in days. Thanks.

Thank you, SgtPepper, for the pep talk, I really appreciate it.

I have gone through a very very similar situation to you Arthur, no where near as long (first was a year the other was only 4 months) trust me and everyone else, you have to do yourself what is probably going to be an extremely hard thing to do, but completely cut ties and move on... It is going to hurt... it is going to feel miserable

We work in the same office currently, so I am unable to completely cut all ties. Though I rarely need to actually talk with her for even work reasons (she is our secretary), we pass in the hallways (a weird coincidental amount of times, in fact, that makes me wonder if "god" or my "higher power" is wanting me to find a better means to cope in her presence). And she often comes into my cubicle to mingle with my cubemates. But even with no contacting as much as possible (rarely from my end) it feels very miserable. I want to be able to talk with her, but I don't know what to say at this point. I feel downtrodden. Like yesterday I passed her in the hall and I just look down and avert my eyes like I feel shame...it's almost as though I have a traumatic reaction to her. I feel emasculated, like I can't look her in the eye like a man who is a steady anchor.

she will keep trying to get your attention in her typical ways indirectly... if you still have the willpower to ignore and move on... then she will start IM... even calling... maybe even trying to track you down and find you in person... and she will tell you things how she is breaking down and needs someone she can talk to you... You cannot let in one bit... you have to move on man.. you sound like a great guy you deserve someone who can truly appreciate it and return the same amount of loving.....

Yes, as I first posted -- she is very FORWARD in her behavior...but not at all DIRECT. Instead of being forthright with me, and saying what is in her head and heart, she uses bold, but subtle methods to convey her message, with rare exception that does surprise me when it happens. What is interesting is that we have had a few falling outs, then reconnects, over the past few months. Two of the three falling outs she told me she is "erasing" me. But then she is the one who eventually makes some overture to re-establish contact. But so far she has not told me she was breaking down and needs me. Except one time she seemed to be having a particularly bad day, she IM'd me, and we had a long conversation and she seemed relieved that we finally had a "good talk" again, as she put it. I can only wonder what may happen if I am moved out of the office to a new assignment altogether. We then will be cut off and I wonder if she would pursue me. After all this seems to be what happened when her ex-roommate was about to take a job in another state and move...suddenly this is when she "fell in love" with him and now they are "together" though he did move anyway.

Please move on... you have WASTED so much time with this one... 4 years man thats going to be very hard... I can imagine that friends in real life you tell this about have all told you something like "move on..." or "you can do better..." LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE... and listen to the people here on this forum, they are all experienced with HPD in one way or another man...

Well, we have known each other 2 years now, and about 6 months in it started to become clear it was more on a romantic level and at the year mark turning more into a dating circumstance...then about 6 months after that she took up with the ex-roommate. In the past 6 months trying to deal with my broken heart, getting up hope due to mixed signals she'd give me for her attention desires, then feeling my heart re-broken each time. Friends in real life, and my sisters, though not aware of the HPD intricacies, have indeed said things like "she's a game player" and "move on" and "you can do better" -- but, you know, I have a compassionate side that sees deeper into it, because of what I'm learning about HPD, and things I've learned in the past about the effects of abuse and such, that I hate to "dehumanize" her by just painting her with such callous platitudes like "she's a game player" or "she doesn't deserve me" etc.

Good luck... really I feel for you... Time always does heal.. did for me and countless others

Well, I guess we will see for me. I don't heal easily from heartbreak. I truly am in love with her. This forum is comforting to see that so many have had similar experiences and live to tell.

One more thing, SgtPepper, as I take it you must be a Beatles fan. At the time she broke up with me for her roommate, I was returning from Las Vegas where I had just seen the Beatles Love Cirque du Soleil show. There was one segment of the show that just struck my heart like lightning...because even not knowing a couple days later what my fate would be, this fit in an eerie way. They did a beautiful choreography to the song "Something" where an angelic woman on a trapeze floats through the air while a lovestruck man below reaches out for her and tries to grasp her, in a forlorn manner...but just as she floats close and within his reach, she whisks away again and he tumbles to the ground flat. He gets back up, and the scenario repeats. All the while the song plays:

Something in the way she moves...attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me...
I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how

Something in her smile she knows, that I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me...
I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now it may show
I don't know, I don't know

Something in the way she knows
All I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me
I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how

It was truly lovely and I've many times tried to find the video of this online, but no luck.

ArthurK wrote:

LOL at first reading a few passages I thought you are someone I know and he wrote about me because of how similar stories are LOL

LOL YYYYY You are a treasure on this forum. Strangely I find this encouraging...in that it confirms that my ex-gf may indeed be HPD and at least I can make some sense out of it all.

Also funny is that I too read certain posts on here and wonder if it SHE posting LOL

First laugh I've had in days. Thanks.

This is very flattering but every HPDs and nons visiting this forums are treasures include you...
I am on mod preview on this forum actually sooooo LOL not anything near positive member

I posted in my blog about 'wondering if ex gf may have HPD' thingy
-------------from my blooog

Why not just describe them in clinical terms, give suggestions about how to deal with them, and be done with it? It’s not that simple. Believe me. Clinical psychology may wear the trappings of science, but underneath, it still involves a fair measure of art and a bit of superstition as well. When we talk about mental illnesses, and personality disorders in particular, we aren’t talking about diseases in any conventional sense…

-Emotional Vampires

Yes… it’s the freakin art…

Lots of you wonder if ‘someone’ who is special to you has HPD. You read diagnostic criteria over and over again, but still can’t make a clear decision. You assume she probably does, but you can’t be sure cuz you are no professional. and I want to quote this one of my favorite page in Mr.Yudofsky’s book for all of you who wonder if…. (From Google Preview http://books.google.co.jp/books?id=Ip3F ... &q&f=false)

Have you ever noticed someone from a distance who seemed so vibrant and inviting that you felt compelled to move in closer? Did she appear to be so brimming with life, suffused with charm, and overflowing in sexuality that you could barely contain your excitement? Did she step to an alluring ballet that drew you nearer while at the same time pushing you away? Were you enticed by her mountainous outpouring over your molehill favors? Were you drown, mothlike, by her incandescent personality to abandon your customary caution and take leave of your trodden paths? Was your joy unbridled when at least she opened to you and welcomed you in? The burning, blinding exuberance of one who is chosen from the adoring many? Did you inflate with pride to have prevailed over the countless competitors who swarmed and warmed around her, like bees about a swollen rose? Did you then prospect her granite to golden grains of common ground and silver slivers of connecting souls? Did you discover, however, vains of chalk pouring into cold dark caverns of slate? Probing for depth, did you undercover a vacuum at the center of her volcano? Or was it a lake of ice? Did the fuel of her flame–a consuming interest in how she looked and appeared to others–cast about you a chilling shadow? Would she turn corpse-cold to you in the sudden presence of certain others? Did you shiver with rage as she lusted after them in disregard and discard of you? Can you accept that your crimson, full-bloomed and fragrant fragrant flowers in barren of pollen and passion pale? Will you ever swell sufficient strength to abandon your ardor for this paper rose? -Fatal Flaws… Yudofsky.

and I don't think she'd be HPD because she is like me. I'd much more rather say she is like AvPD.
(or Histrionic Avoidant) "Virtually overlooked are avoidants whose social anxiety is displayed in other ways. Particularly overlooked are those avoidants who are neither shy nor phobic but who form unstable relationships characterized by a fear of close- ness, intimacy, and commitment. -Kant"

your ex gf wanted to text you rather than 3d and that's because of fear of intimacy and she likes the distance. also avpds cheat more than nons do according to study because of fear of intimacy, fear of being rejected, etc.

read more : http://infidelityinfo.com/are-people-wi ... -partners/

Kantor:

Virtually overlooked are avoidants whose social anxiety is displayed in other ways. Particularly overlooked are those avoidants who are neither shy nor phobic but who form unstable relationships characterized by a fear of close- ness, intimacy, and commitment.


The victims of avoidants, uncomprehending and unprepared, remain Distancing in the dark about the nature of and reasons for their loved-ones’ remoteness. When a Type III avoidant told a partner “out of the blue” that “our relationship is over,” the partner, who until that very moment thought that things were going well, was so surprised and stunned that she took to bed for a month and was not able to resume working for almost half a year. As she put it, “I still cannot believe it. He just fell apart—and took me down with him.”

Avoidants themselves, unaware that they have a problem, continue to annoy, frustrate, and hurt themselves and the others in their lives.

Individuals with AvPD will develop intimacy with people who are experienced as safe. Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a “fall-back” position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308). As sexual partners and parents, people with AvPD appear self-involved and uncaring (Kantor, 1992, p. 109) as they preserve distance from others through defensive restraint and withdrawal. Even so, these individuals long for affection and fantasize about idealized relationships (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 663).

JUST MY OPINION cuz she kind of sound like me

Thanks YYYYY for your detailed reply.

This is very flattering but every HPDs and nons visiting this forums are treasures include you...
I am on mod preview on this forum actually sooooo LOL not anything near positive member

You're right, we are all treasures, but you have a particularly unique contribution to this forum, having kind of an "inside advantage" I'd say, plus a flair all your own. Though I can see at times why you've been put on mod preview

Yes… it’s the freakin art…

Lots of you wonder if ‘someone’ who is special to you has HPD. You read diagnostic criteria over and over again, but still can’t make a clear decision. You assume she probably does, but you can’t be sure cuz you are no professional. and I want to quote this one of my favorite page in Mr.Yudofsky’s book for all of you who wonder if…. (From Google Preview http://books.google.co.jp/books?id=Ip3F ... &q&f=false)

Have you ever noticed someone from a distance who seemed so vibrant and inviting...Can you accept that your crimson, full-bloomed and fragrant flowers in barren of pollen and passion pale? Will you ever swell sufficient strength to abandon your ardor for this paper rose? -Fatal Flaws… Yudofsky.

Well it does seem a delicate art to pinpoint if a person of interest actually may have the diagnosis of any particular personality type as some symptoms are apparent, while others subtle, and seems upon deeper study they all encompass traits that are not covered by the criteria exactly.

The Yudofsky excerpt fits my possible HPD ex-gf nearly in its entirety -- in fact was chilling. It seems a description of HPD? Is it?

I don't think she'd be HPD because she is like me. I'd much more rather say she is like AvPD.
(or Histrionic Avoidant) "Virtually overlooked are avoidants whose social anxiety is displayed in other ways. Particularly overlooked are those avoidants who are neither shy nor phobic but who form unstable relationships characterized by a fear of close- ness, intimacy, and commitment. -Kant"

your ex gf wanted to text you rather than 3d and that's because of fear of intimacy and she likes the distance. also avpds cheat more than nons do according to study because of fear of intimacy, fear of being rejected, etc.

"Individuals with AvPD will develop intimacy with people who are experienced as safe. Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a 'fall-back' position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308). As sexual partners and parents, people with AvPD appear self-involved and uncaring (Kantor, 1992, p. 109) as they preserve distance from others through defensive restraint and withdrawal. Even so, these individuals long for affection and fantasize about idealized relationships (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 663)."

JUST MY OPINION cuz she kind of sound like me

Well I'd say you are more an expert than me, YYYYY, but I don't know. Again, it is the art of diagnosis. I thought you are HPD, YYYYY? Are you multiple diagnosis? And it seems some traits of various personality types overlap.

My ex-gf...it does seem in ways she avoided intimacy, for sure. She is not able to express her thoughts or feelings that well -- and when she does she is quite exasperated to do so. Possibly I was attractive to her, in part, because I just put my thoughts and feelings out there. We kissed, but never ended up having sex (in part I worried if it was due to my defective penis, which functions, but is quite small...but she would say that isn't it, but that she wanted to be sure we had a strong relationship foundation first prior to having sex). But she would come across as quite sensual...she did like to flirt with me and at times talk sexually about us...fantasizing what we would do together. She definitely wanted me to see her as attractive physically...her eyes, hair, makeup, clothes, body...she ate up my adoration. Yet it seemed she did prefer texting and IMing to having 3D time together, but the texting & IMing was all day long. Meanwhile she would easily spend time 3D with her friends and family (mostly women as far as I could gather...I never had her tell me she was going out with a guy friend -- but I knew that she did sometimes text and IM other guys, but she said, though some were interested in her as more than friends, she didn't feel that way toward them -- so I was certainly her primary male focus.) As time went on, she could see I was getting discontent with our lack of more 3D time together. One time I did draw a line in the sand (which I regretted the ultimatum and apologized because it felt too stern...after all, did I want her to freely choose time with me, or feel like a hostage?) and she became quite meek and said "please understand, friends first" as though I was asking her specifically for sex, but I wasn't, I just wanted more time doing fun things with each other so we could build a foundation. Then, right before I went on a trip to Las Vegas in October, she said when I returned we'd go out, but on my way to the airport she suddenly broke up with me for the roommate who ended up moving out of state. Now she has a long distance relationship with him. When I called her on the convenience of now having a boyfriend she cannot actually be that close to, she brutally told me they have great sex and trust which cut me to the core. She claims he has spent thousands of dollars on her and the kids. I honestly don't know how true any of it is or was it a means to diminish me because she knows what my heart was about all these things. But while with him she has wanted to keep a tie to me and even at times gets upset with me as if we are still an item. I've told her she seems to want me as a "fall back" in case things don't work out with him, and as some added filler and attention. After all, when we have talked, it can be all day long again, and we fall back into our old rapport. And I never hear her at work mention him to anyone, or have a picture of him at her desk. But yes, triangulation is there. But how avoidant is she if she has multitudes of people in her "fan club"? Additional point about her intimacy: she told me she and her ex-husband (divorced now 3 years) did not sleep together for 2 years prior to the end of the marriage. So seems some intimacy issues there. And, as I said originally, I do know that she has been raped at least once, and her first child was the result of a man who took advantage of her while intoxicated. So wouldn't really surprise me if, when it comes down to it, there are sexual issues. But I may never know for sure. All I know is I wanted to be a good guy to her and respect her sexually...but I have my own issues around sex due to my physical circumstance. I was really hoping for a woman who would understand...and initially she told me I should never feel less than any other man, because I'm not...but seems she didn't really mean it.