HPD Has ruined my life......Totally...HELP?

For some background information, I am 20 years old. A junior in college...A college cheerleader and model.
I fear that I may be diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder, and that it is continually taking over my life. Just recently, I caused a very dramatic event for a month, in which i played the "victim" just to receive attention and sympathy from others. The attention was what I fed off of, and the attention "high" would last for a couple of hours then I would crave for more. This is not the only time that I created a lot of drama to be in the center of attention. Actually, to be precise, the high point of every dramatic episode that I do with a different group of people is to threaten or fake suicide attempts to get all the attention, but hate it when the authorities get involved. Daily, more than once a day actually, I have thoughts and imaginations about being praised and being the center of attention. At my job, I would be promiscuous without the intent of doing so, even though I have calmed this down a lot, but it seems as if I forget or am being controlled to do so. I have very shallow emotions, and I know this for a fact because it seems like somewhere in my heart I care about other's emotions/feelings, but on the outside I show that I don't, which is not intentional, and I would always have the conversation focusing back on me. I really do feel uncomfortable when I'm not being talked about in a conversation, but I won't show that I am. I am actually a very plausible person, but I don't want to make seem as if I am, I actually want to be it. I've been making myself stay out of the spotlight by being "humble" when in actuality, I hate not being noticed or in the spotlight. I love it too much actually, but the thing is I go about it the wrong way and get negative feedback/attention. I am getting tired of losing so many friends because of the actions that I implement, and don't even notice what I do until it is done. I know people care about me, but I don't understand why I can't feel it. It hurts so bad, and I want to be genuine towards people. I just wish that every time that I lose friends and people around me that I don't go running for help. I want this to be the last time that this happens, because this has been going on for years, actually ever since I was 14 years old. I don't want to have anymore failed relationships because of something that I can't seem to control. I also wanted to throw in that I do receive a lot of attention from being a cheerleader, from being a dancer, from being on tv shows and movies, and etc. But I want to know why do I seek for the negative attention, and why does that pump me up so much. Also I want to know why I love being caught when everyone has finally caught on to the situation. This is really starting to affect my performances in school, and everything outside of it. To be caught up, I am trying out for the NAME EDITED BY MOD Cheer team, and even though somewhere inside of me I believe I can make it, I have to keep getting reassurance from others that I will. Not only do I have to get reassurance from that, but about my beauty, my well being, my skills, and everything else! It's sickening to my stomach. I tend to not accept failure very well, and when rejection is thrown my way, internally, I take it overboard, but nobody would ever know unless I tell them. I also tend to over-think, everything, and that consumes a lot of my time. Actually it is a waste of time, and this is a daily thing. I hate it when I have "intimate/sexual" relationships with people, and I'm the one that cause for them to end, then I get seriously upset and it eats me up on the inside, but like I said nobody will know unless I tell them. It's like I have this fake forsage of being "perfect", when I'm seriously messed up on the inside. Also, I tend to tell people that i "just met" about me and open up too quickly to get a sympathetic response, but when I don't have the attention focused on me, then on the inside I get terribly angry and remorseful. Ever since I was 14 I went to therapists for depression, that is what they diagnosed me with, and also I had anorexia nervousa. These I now realized were just symptoms to this frustrating personality thing. I'm just really getting tired of pushing people away that actually care about me, because I know for a fact that I will hurt them. That is the reason why I keep saying "I don't want nobody to get close to me" because I know in time that I will hurt them or put them through drama, I just don't know when. I know it's too late for the situation that I caused just recently, but I want to put an end to what could possibly, and most likely, damage my future. I'm tired of creating such dramatic events and wanting to be the center of attention (in a negative way and receiving negative responses/actions/outcomes/etc), in the event in which I only want to talk. I'm tired of being easily influenced by others, when I know for a fact that I can influence them. I tired of everything going wrong because of something that i "supposedly can't control". I don't want this same life to continue after college, I want to be productive in a positive way, and getting attention the right way. I don't want the thrills and the excitement of everyone around me in turmoil and panic. That is so inhumane of a person to want that, but I don't know why I can't help it. I don't want to keep wanting immediate satisfaction, and get super angry when I don't get it. People don't realize that this is actually serious and may categorize this as a normal thing for teenagers/young adults, but in my case it is something serious. It's affecting my life, and everything around it. I can't even maintain a long term relationship with anybody that gets close to me, and blessed are those who still think to stick around and actually do. I don't want others to be afraid of actually getting to no me, I want them to embrace it. This is getting very difficult for people to be around me and not want anything to do with me, well to the ones that get very close, or try to ease their way in, and then I know how to get in defensive mode (automatically) and push them away by hurting them. Hurting them to the point to where they want nothing to do with me. The first thing that I feel I am doing right is actually admitting that I have this problem and this diagnosis, but I want to be able to live with it in a productive way. In a way such that won't affect my way of living, or interfere with it negatively. I don't want people to think of me, Joy, in such a negative way that it just eats me up on the inside. I don't want to continue to run away from the people that actually care about me, or hurt them just because I've been hurt, and obviously I haven't let that go completely when I thought I did. I am tired of this life, the double life, in which everyone, that is not close to me which is basically 97% of people see the "glamour and sweetness" of me, while the 3% are struggling to stay with me because I am actually the total opposite. I want to life the life that the 97% see in me, with problems that I know that I can deal with, (that won't take control of my life). I just want, Help.

You should be proud of yourself for recognizing it and seeking treatment. I wish my ex-wife had the level of clarity and self-reflection and honesty with herself that you do. If she did my children would probably still have a mother and father that could love them simultaneously in the same room....

Hi jmartin91

Welcome to the HPD forum. Whatever your problems (if any), we are here to support you.
Having said, I would recommend that you see a professional mental health professional and give them the same honest info, and see what dx they give you. You see, one of the ways the otherwise valuable info on this forum can be misused is if we use it to self-diagnose ourselves (and no one here can diagnose you either).
They reason for all the caution in this area is to avoid a damaging self image from arising and then having the person conform to it. You know, like a self-fulfilling prophesy? Personality Disorder Diagnosis should always be a one on one affair, in which the patient and the therapist interact in time and space, as well as through abstract info like drawings, letters, etc.
I will only go so far to say that you described does sound like HPD in many ways. Also, be aware that more and more people now think that HPD is a certain variation of BPD, but with more narcissism and manipulation than most BPDs will exhibit.

How would you describe your romantic relationships?

orion8591 wrote:
How would you describe your romantic relationships?

I only had one serious relationship in my whole life for about three years, and those three years were very bumpy. We would engage in sexual acts weekly, and during the summer almost daily. But I would constantly, like every 30 mins, would make him say that he loves me, I knew it but didn't feel it at all. One time he responded that I knew that he loved me, why does he have to keep saying it every five minutes. Even during, I would not feel as if he did, and I would flirt uncontrollably with alot of guys, and this was not intentional. In my work areas, it has came to many times that I would act inappropriately with the workers and staff, I would not do this on purpose. Just recently, I lost hours, because of my conduct of being so seductive and promiscuous with the employees. I try not to have sex with the guys that I want attention from but it's like a pulling force, and I drag them in for the attention. Not to have sex with, because I could care less for the sex actually. I would say things to get them sympathize for me, like telling them about my horrific past. I would overthink about my sexual relationships though, and that consumes alot of time. Also, I would get VERY frustrated, mad, angry, sad, and depressed when the sexual encounters have to be ended.

Hi jmartin91

How do your friends and family perceive you?