Advice needed - how to give an HPD news about something?

Hi,
I've been reading a lot on here the last few days and really feel like I am learning a lot! Basically, I have come to suspect that my twin sister might have some tendencies towards HPD. We had another big fight last week and she got so nasty so quickly, it just made me start looking for patterns in her behavior and I'm really beginning to see a lot of things. Her constant need to be the center of attention, her unwillingness to do mundane tasks, her inability to accept any kind of criticism. For a long time, I thought it was me - she would tell me I was selfish and mean and self-centered and imply that she has always had to take care of me since our parents died. But when I think about it, these are all things I could say about her. I feel like most people don't see the things I am saying - they always chalk it up to twin issues or sister fights... but some of the people who have been closest to us throughout our lives have noticed how she is and it's very helpful to get that external confirmation.

Despite these things, she is a very successful person with a good career. So I don't feel bad about starting to keep some distance from her. My problem right now is that my husband and I are expecting our first child and I am dreading telling her. Honestly, I feel like thinking about dealing with my sister is the WORST part of being pregnant - and it's not fun to begin with. So I haven't told her but I"m almost in my third trimester and we're going to start telling more friends and family soon.

I"m worried about her reaction - she could always surprise me and be very supportive and non interfering, but I"m just not sure because it is something that does not really involve her. She is usually very self-absorbed and when we speak on the phone, more often then not, I am just listening to a monologue about something related to her job. But the minute there is some drama with someone, she is always the first to jump on the bandwagon and rush to get involved. Ex. she will not speak to a close friend/family member for YEARS but the minute she hears they are having some issue, will rush off to call them so she can get all the details. She also likes to gossip a lot and I've realized she has no respect for anyone's private information.

So I"m worried that once I tell her about my pregnancy, she will act super concerned and want to get involved (come visit, make plans for the baby with me etc.). It sounds very nice, but the reality is if I involve her, I will have to spend all my time making her feel special and needed and very important - otherwise her mood will change and she will get nasty. So I don't want her involved. I don't want to answer any of her questions and I don't really want to give her any details. The last few years I have noticed that she likes to look for things that are wrong with people's children - I think it's a way of taking a swipe at the parents. She is a pediatrician so maybe it is a way of trying to insert herself in a situation. She has already said things to me in the past to imply she thinks I would be a bad mother when she gets mad at me about something and I really don't feel like dealing with that kind of thing now - but I"m worried those are the attacks I am going to start getting if I don't give her exactly what she wants - excessive flattery and making her the center of attention all the time.

The other alternative I can imagine is her just concocting some drama to bring things back to herself. She has called me up with suicide attempts in the past. Every once in a while, she makes threats about picking up and moving to another country for her job so that me and her friends will come running to beg her to stay. I've noticed lately that when she is put in a situation where she is not the center of attention, or there is something she does not want to do, she comes up with some urgent work situation that requires her immediate attention. She frequently spends most of her time on family trips and visits (with me and other members) glued to her computer and complaining that she has so much work to do. She will always park herself and her laptop in the center of things - she ignores requests to put her laptop away or off to the side, even when she is not working. These are all tendencies that have gotten worse and worse over the years. She has a wide circle of friends and no problems dating - but it's been years since she has had any kind of serious relationship. When she is not dating someone seriously, she expects me to be there for her all the time (it's been easier since I got married and moved away), but when she is in a relationship, I don't exist to her. But the last few years, she's only casually dated guys and it never seems to last long. If a guy does not totally worship the ground she walks on, she starts to find things wrong with him. I think some of her exes have called her out on her behaviors but she always demonizes them.

Maybe I"m over thinking this but I've just had it with my sister. I wish she would seek help because I don't think she is beyond treatment but she will never listen to me if I suggest something is wrong - she will just turn it around on me and tell me that I am the one with the problem. Right now I"m debating how I should tell her about my pregnancy. I was going to send out a message to our extended family to let them know and was thinking about just including her on that list. Alternatively, I was thinking about NOT telling her at all, and just letting her find out second hand. I just don't know what to do anymore and I"ve become hyper sensitive to her because ever since our parents died, people have made me feel like we have to stay close. But I just don't want to anymore. I wish this was just a bad relationship - because then I could break up and walk away. But she's my twin sister.

I believe the old saying is you can choose your friends but not your relatives.
In the Bible it essentially says that when people marry, their childhood family (their parents, siblings) become of secondary importance to their wife or husband, and to the children they give birth to and must raise in as healthy a manner as possible (note: unhealthy families are often one big reason for PDs).
What is apparent over and over in people with PDs and/or with their Non relatives, lovers, and friends, is a lack of healthy boundaries, either never created, or inadequately maintained. Of course you still love your sister and you are concerned about her and how she will react to the birth of your child. But you must understand that to whatever extent she has a choice, it will be her choice as to whether she reacts favorably or unfavorably to the birth of your child. If she reacts unfavorably, I would just ignore her negative behavior (unless dangerous). If you try to make her change you will improperly be within her personal boundary. If she reacts favorably, I would show her love and support - but still within your relationship boundaries as sisters, and not using the energy you should properly have reserved for your immediate family.
Makes sense?

yes, that does make a lot of sense Orion, thanks for your response. I guess I need to learn how to not let it get to me. It just makes me so upset when she turns on me and says ugly things, I find I dread it so much that I just play along most of the time and ignore the bad behavior and try to keep the attention on her. I think I have been enabling her for years and years this way. I just can't do it anymore but I am afraid of her reaction.

I think I have appropriate boundaries in place now - but I just can't get over this fear. I don't know how to express it without going into a super long history that brings up all the stuff from the past. For example, here is what sparked our latest fight last week: Several years ago, my sister spent some time living out of the country. During that time, she used my address as her home mailing address which I was fine with. Then three years ago she moved back into the country and got her own place and phone number. Despite this, I continued to receive mail and phone calls for her - most of it was junk but sometimes it was something important. I discovered that when you did a google search on her name, my home address and cell phone number would come up. For three years I politely requested her to do something about it but I continued to sort through her mail and deal with all the telephone calls I received for her. She claimed she had no idea why this was happening. Then finally a few weeks ago, I got irritated and emailed a few of the sites that listed my contact information as hers. Right away I was notified that this was because she had listed my information in some professional registry. They sent me the link where it could be changed. It took about 5 minutes. I sent her the link and requested her to make the changes - it would have taken her about 90 seconds to do it. Nothing happened. Finally I got irritated and an important piece of mail came for her and I threw it away. I knew that was wrong but I was beginning to realize that she would never do anything about the situation because it was only inconvenient for me - it was easy for her to pretend to be helpless and expect me to be her secretary.

After a few more emails where I kept emailing her the link, I finally got mad and told her I had thrown out her mail and that would continue to happen until she made the change. Well she snapped and told me she had made the change and that it was a really bitchy thing for me to throw out her mail. I was pretty angry at that point and said after three years of asking nicely, if being a bitch is what worked then that would have to be my strategy. Wow did she get mad. She emailed me back telling me that even if I had asked her to change her address for three years, it was only recently that I sent her the link where she could do so. And then she proceeded to tell me that I was always a bitch etc. etc. I was really annoyed and told her I was done enabling her "learned helplessness". Well I know that was the wrong thing to say but I was so mad at that point. She has done this sort of thing ever since our parents died. She wrote back in a very nasty way to imply that she had taught me learned helplessness by supporting me so much over the years but she could never accept any favors from me because I would always dredge things up and throw them back in her face. And then she proceeded to dredge up all the things she had done for me in the past and threw them back in my face. I was done at that point. I have given her so much $ and support over the years and she never remembers any of it. And whenever she helps me, I always appreciate it and remember it. To be honest, a lot of those times she has "helped' me, it has been help that she sort of imposed on me/insisted on. For example, when I got married, she made a big deal about how she had been saving up for my wedding and she gave us several thousands of dollars even though we initially told her no thanks. But now her story is that she HAD to give me that money for my wedding - implying that I asked for it. When we were both living in NYC during her residency, she insisted on us living together even though I wanted to move to a cheaper area and live with roomates. But now her story is that she HAD to support me and pay my rent because I wanted to live in New York.. Stuff like that - I don't want these favors from her but she has had this way of forcing them on me and then turning it around to make it sound like I begged for her help or something. But now my husband says we should never accept any favors from her - he was shocked by her emails and the way she got so nasty with me.

A few days later, I got an email from her apologizing for bringing all the stuff up in the past and saying that she knew we had both supported each other over the years and she appreciated it when I helped her in the past. I just didn't respond - she does this all the time. Gets really nasty and then comes back with an apology and expects me to just paper over everything so she can go back to talking about herself. I just don't know what to do with her anymore but I dread the thought of speaking to her at all, let alone telling her about my baby.

She sounds exactly like my older sister. (She also told me I wouldn't be a good mother) She isn't hpd tho. More like borderline. But her actual pd is neither here nor there. I am No Contact with her because I don't want her push-and pull in my life or in my kids' life. Also, I don't want her drama to erode my marriage. It's draining and it interrupts our quality time together. I had to put my priorities together.

Orion gave you really good advice. The sooner you accept it the sooner you'll be happy. Also, you might want to read the book Co-dependent No More.

Tell your sister about your pregnancy. How she reacts is on her. How you react to how she reacts is on you.

Babies grow up so so fast. You won't believe me now, but you will when they turn 10! Don't squander your time with them on unnecessary drama like your sister's bs.

Best of luck. And congrats!

-- Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:22 pm --

This sounds exactly like my older sister. She isn't hpd tho. More like borderline. But her actual pd is neither here nor there. I am No Contact with her because I don't want her push-and pull in my life or in my kids' life. Also, I don't want her drama to erode my marriage. It's draining and it interrupts our quality time together. You have to put your priorities together.

Orion gave you really good advice. The sooner you accept it the sooner you'll be happy. Also, you might want to read the book Co-dependent No More.

Tell your sister about your pregnancy. How she reacts is on her. How you react to how she reacts is on you.

Babies grow up so so fast. You won't believe me now, but you will when they turn 10! Don't squander your time with them on unnecessary drama like your sister's bs.

Best of luck. And congrats!

Thanks Atrium, sorry I did not respond earlier. I also feel like I just don't want to deal with the drama that my sister brings into my life. Even when things are fine, I feel like the threat of one of her tantrums is always hanging over my head - and when I have reacted to her in the past, I have reacted badly and that made me out to be the unreasonable, bad one. I have tried to stop reacting that way in recent years, but sometimes it is hard - like with our last fight. I just want peace and quiet in my life and I don't care if it selfish but I just don't feel like spending time with people who disturb that - including my sister. I find her incredibly draining.

Well I told my family via facebook message about the baby and included her - I don't know if my sister has checked her facebook and gotten the message yet but she sent me about 10 text messages today telling me about some sunglasses she was buying. I am feeling a little bit on edge about her response once she finally sees that message. I think if she calls me, I might not pick up and just let her leave a message and see how she sounds..

twin_a wrote:Hi,
I've been reading a lot on here the last few days and really feel like I am learning a lot! Basically, I have come to suspect that my twin sister might have some tendencies towards HPD. We had another big fight last week and she got so nasty so quickly, it just made me start looking for patterns in her behavior and I'm really beginning to see a lot of things. Her constant need to be the center of attention, her unwillingness to do mundane tasks, her inability to accept any kind of criticism. For a long time, I thought it was me - she would tell me I was selfish and mean and self-centered and imply that she has always had to take care of me since our parents died. But when I think about it, these are all things I could say about her. I feel like most people don't see the things I am saying - they always chalk it up to twin issues or sister fights... but some of the people who have been closest to us throughout our lives have noticed how she is and it's very helpful to get that external confirmation.

Despite these things, she is a very successful person with a good career. So I don't feel bad about starting to keep some distance from her. My problem right now is that my husband and I are expecting our first child and I am dreading telling her. Honestly, I feel like thinking about dealing with my sister is the WORST part of being pregnant - and it's not fun to begin with. So I haven't told her but I"m almost in my third trimester and we're going to start telling more friends and family soon.

I"m worried about her reaction - she could always surprise me and be very supportive and non interfering, but I"m just not sure because it is something that does not really involve her. She is usually very self-absorbed and when we speak on the phone, more often then not, I am just listening to a monologue about something related to her job. But the minute there is some drama with someone, she is always the first to jump on the bandwagon and rush to get involved. Ex. she will not speak to a close friend/family member for YEARS but the minute she hears they are having some issue, will rush off to call them so she can get all the details. She also likes to gossip a lot and I've realized she has no respect for anyone's private information.

So I"m worried that once I tell her about my pregnancy, she will act super concerned and want to get involved (come visit, make plans for the baby with me etc.). It sounds very nice, but the reality is if I involve her, I will have to spend all my time making her feel special and needed and very important - otherwise her mood will change and she will get nasty. So I don't want her involved. I don't want to answer any of her questions and I don't really want to give her any details. The last few years I have noticed that she likes to look for things that are wrong with people's children - I think it's a way of taking a swipe at the parents. She is a pediatrician so maybe it is a way of trying to insert herself in a situation. She has already said things to me in the past to imply she thinks I would be a bad mother when she gets mad at me about something and I really don't feel like dealing with that kind of thing now - but I"m worried those are the attacks I am going to start getting if I don't give her exactly what she wants - excessive flattery and making her the center of attention all the time.

The other alternative I can imagine is her just concocting some drama to bring things back to herself. She has called me up with suicide attempts in the past. Every once in a while, she makes threats about picking up and moving to another country for her job so that me and her friends will come running to beg her to stay. I've noticed lately that when she is put in a situation where she is not the center of attention, or there is something she does not want to do, she comes up with some urgent work situation that requires her immediate attention. She frequently spends most of her time on family trips and visits (with me and other members) glued to her computer and complaining that she has so much work to do. She will always park herself and her laptop in the center of things - she ignores requests to put her laptop away or off to the side, even when she is not working. These are all tendencies that have gotten worse and worse over the years. She has a wide circle of friends and no problems dating - but it's been years since she has had any kind of serious relationship. When she is not dating someone seriously, she expects me to be there for her all the time (it's been easier since I got married and moved away), but when she is in a relationship, I don't exist to her. But the last few years, she's only casually dated guys and it never seems to last long. If a guy does not totally worship the ground she walks on, she starts to find things wrong with him. I think some of her exes have called her out on her behaviors but she always demonizes them.

Maybe I"m over thinking this but I've just had it with my sister. I wish she would seek help because I don't think she is beyond treatment but she will never listen to me if I suggest something is wrong - she will just turn it around on me and tell me that I am the one with the problem. Right now I"m debating how I should tell her about my pregnancy. I was going to send out a message to our extended family to let them know and was thinking about just including her on that list. Alternatively, I was thinking about NOT telling her at all, and just letting her find out second hand. I just don't know what to do anymore and I"ve become hyper sensitive to her because ever since our parents died, people have made me feel like we have to stay close. But I just don't want to anymore. I wish this was just a bad relationship - because then I could break up and walk away. But she's my twin sister.

... are you able to just give her some time to cool off? not necessarily distance yourself but just... hide for a few days. always worked for me as a kid when my mom was mad at me.

- Labor.

twin_a wrote:yes, that does make a lot of sense Orion, thanks for your response. I guess I need to learn how to not let it get to me. It just makes me so upset when she turns on me and says ugly things, I find I dread it so much that I just play along most of the time and ignore the bad behavior and try to keep the attention on her. I think I have been enabling her for years and years this way. I just can't do it anymore but I am afraid of her reaction.

I would imagine if you talk to her calmly and rationally before hand and try to just set some boundaries she would probably listen to you abide by them. it is your sister after all...

- Labor.

twin_a wrote:Every once in a while, she makes threats about picking up and moving to another country for her job so that me and her friends will come running to beg her to stay.

I hate to ask a dumb question, but what does she do for a living or what is she trying to do for a living? the market for her career may not be there in her locality. e.g. Where I live they don't do corporate finance, but I didn't get my 50,000$ degree before hand knowing that. I figured they did it everywhere.... and when it came time to job hunting I found out they only do that on the other side of the country and only from ivy league schools.

sure I found a new career field... but not before it cost me a wedding that didn't happen.

- Labor.

thanks for your responses Labor. In answer to some of your questions - I guess we do go through 'cooling off periods' but she has a tendency to call up a few days later and say "let's not fight." Then I become the unreasonable one if I don't give in to that. At least, that is the way she makes me feel so in the past I have always said "okay fine." But I would like longer cooling off periods and just more distance in general.

My sister's job is in international medicine - right now she is living in a great city for her type of jobs, but she travels a lot. From time to time she will propose moving overseas to one of the countries she currently travels to. She has lived overseas before for several years when she was starting out in her career. When she had a boyfriend there with her, I never heard from her. Once they broke up, I heard from her all the time and she totally martyred herself in the job until she ended up having a nervous breakdown and calling me up telling me she was going to kill herself the way our dad did and that she had taken a bunch of pills. (Turns out she had taken about 5 Ambien). It was Christmas so I couldn't call anyone at her workplace, which was lucky for her. That turned into a long discussion about how she needed to stop living overseas. Now when she brings up the idea of moving back, all her friends go rushing to tell her they don't want her to go. I used to play into that too but I don't think I should. A few months ago, she brought up the idea of moving to another big city where she might also have job opportunities but where she doesn't know anyone - it would also be further away from where we are moving. I suggested she not move but maybe I should just stop playing this game with her all together. Even if she lived next door to me, I would not want to spend that much time with her at this point..

I don't know how well my sister will respond to a boundary - she seems to think because we are twins there shouldn't be any. When she comes to my home, she TOTALLY takes over it - leaves her stuff everywhere and feels free to help herself to anything. If I ever get mad, or even politely ask her to pick up her stuff, she gets furious and suddenly I am this terrible, selfish, intolerant person. It's exhausting. I have to set up some more boundaries but I don't know how to go about telling her what they are. I just find it easier to avoid her right now.