eyesight and HPD

zendango said

1. When we go out, it's all about the show. Her energy increases as we get ready, and although she claims to want to look good for me, she dresses to look alluring. Her behavior at the party, restaurant, whatever, clearly demonstrates that she craves the adulation of everyone there. Entrances to a restaurant are like a walk down the red carpet for her, while I just walk in and hope my table is ready. She makes seductive eye contact with almost anyone. She speaks loudly so others get involved in our conversations, dances seductively to draw attention in the most inappropriate situations, laughs loudly at the most innocuous comments and looks around to see who is paying attention, etc. A normal evening out, dinner for two, with no drama or adulation seems depressing for her. Makes me feel like the transportation rather than the partner.

It reminded me of something. My eyesight suddenly became bad, and it BUGGED ME A LOT
because I couldn't see anymore if other people are looking at me or not without wearing glasses!(contact lens thing never fit me)
It was incredibly distressing situation for me(can't do this seductive eye contact), whenever I go out I will try very hard to recognize if people are looking at me or not in restaurants etc,
and finally I got very depressed, it seemed like no one is looking at me etc

And now a few years have passed, it's been LONG since I couldn't know if someone is looking at me or not from distance AND NOW MIRACULOUSLY,
I LOST my interest in doing it! I just don't care much. I just go to restaurant, and think 'probably people are not interested me and I don't care.'
and just concentrate on my date. LIKE I REALLY DON'T CARE, not bothered by being unable to check if someone is looking at me or not.

It took good long time for me to adapt to this situation, but it finally happened

or may be I still do?! LOL I don't know. Though I just don't get much bothered by being unable to check if people are looking at me or not. if they are looking, that's good, if they don't, whatever.

^yyyyy interesting because your confirmation of the visual transmission of beauty for attention was important. On the other hand, consider that if a person was disfigured by accidental burning, or in a car accident, etc., at one time they would have received nagative attention for their appearance - thinking of The Elephant Man and the various circus 'freaks' throughout history (and some of them were just actors who faked it...bearded ladies, etc.). By the 'attention at all cost' logic of HPD, a person could receive negative visual attention...but this manner of supply is extinct: now that it is considered morally unacceptable by Nons to stare at people who are disfigured or deformed. So today HPDs are especially keen about cultivating their own beauty, mimicking NPDs - maybe HPDs should be called "psuedo narcissists,"

When they get older and less attractive, HPDs can either go into remission, or fake illness for attention.

But IMO it's good that you aren't so concerned about what others think about you...perhaps a first step towards embracing and healing your inner self.

Actually orion there's something important I have to confess.

While I was in high school I completely disfigured my appearance intentionally.

Because of special religion of school, strict rules, lots of things were strictly forbidden,

as soon as I entered the high school my teacher reported me to principal and I was scolded of problem with my dressing(pretty cloth, anything was forbidden), and lots of girls were jealous of me and they reported to faculty that I date many guys(dating was most strictly forbidden, if you violate the rule you are kicked out from school, and that was really not allowable situation for me), but guys would keep ask me out, and it was a huge stress for me. My bf was kicked out from my school because of this issue, and I was often called to school trials/faculty and blamed for seducing guys, they'd even call my abusive parents and say that i am so inappropriate, everyone around me was kinda blaming me for that. Make up, any hair change, accessories, pretty cloth etc were forbidden) And I thought 'it's all or nothing.' and started to gain weight, had most terrible hair, destroyed my skin(my porcelain skin! gone!!) wore most terrible cloth, anything to look terrible, strange enough to draw attention

that I'd look almost monstrous, and as I expected, like people in my school would look at me for how 'disfigured' I look, my friends would say people stare at me bc I look terrible... lol Which was what I exactly needed.


after graduation I kind of recovered, but developed BDD

My look change was so dramatic(there were all kind of rumours in the school, like what happened to her? did she get super mental shock from something? etc), though I still had my social power, because I was 'ex- most popular girl in the school' + my inner charisma,
even after I became worst looking girl in the school,
everyone kinda treated me like I am still like pretty girl, except people who are new. It was weird feeling, people's attitude change toward me.

I have suffered with BDD, still a major sensitive area for me. I think that's probably the hardest one of all to deal with, definitely. I don't think you should ever change yourself to please others, please yourself first and foremost. It took me a very long time to get any confidence back because of BDD, i mean a real long time and it was hard work, it's something that will never leave me completely but i have learned to be a lot more confident.

I'm interested to know about eye sight detrioration, i'm getting that now, quite badly. Can i ask how quickly yours went? I've always had brilliant eyesight but it's fading rapidly. I think i must take much of the blame though. Still i'm interested to know the signs to look out for and what to do about it.

yyyyy

im sorry you went through that. A strict Japanese traditional culture, not as obvious as the popular one we in the west see on the internet, in music and film, etc.

BTW this corresponds to the overbearing authoritarian environment that is said to be in part responsible
for the development of HPD