Why do I still obsess?

Granted, not much time has passed, im 2 month into NC which she gladly embraced since she's with her new sugar daddy now (who looks like Gollum btw). I have deleted her from fb but cant help from checking her page, where she parades her newfound love. I keep to NC even though its getting harder, not easier to do.

But why do I still THINK about her every single day? Most of the day? The thoughts are not in the i-can-still-fix-this or we-can-make it but rather angry or confrontational-type imaginary dialogues. An itch for a fight that never happened.

At first I thought it was the illusion of perfection that i now know my mind made it real, matrix style.
But I realize that and I cant say I miss her for the good times only.

I started thinking that its actually the abuse that I almost long for. The uncertainty, the idea of winning an unwinnable fight. Fighting for her heart was actually exciting in a way. I never behaved like that before (well, not LIKE that) and despite knowing I was humiliating myself I enjoyed the poetry, the flowers, the gifts. It felt good to give oneself to another. I felt good about myself as I always thought I'm a cold creature - to be able to do this and believe in it. Is the strongest part of the pain the realisation that it meant nothing to her? Am I hardwired to look for that acceptance that tells me that all the things I did matter to her? Is this not histrionic in itself? Ot is it part of the co-dependence i surely have?

I know HPD traits are exaggerated traits we all have. Hell, I have even experienced them from the other side - fight to reconquer someone then in the instant i did - felt slightly bored with her. That realisation brought shame as well

But the questions stands : even after rationalizing all this mess, does my obssesion relate more to the bad times than the good?

Branco wrote:Granted, not much time has passed, im 2 month into NC which she gladly embraced since she's with her new sugar daddy now (who looks like Gollum btw). I have deleted her from fb but cant help from checking her page, where she parades her newfound love. I keep to NC even though its getting harder, not easier to do.

But why do I still THINK about her every single day? Most of the day? The thoughts are not in the i-can-still-fix-this or we-can-make it but rather angry or confrontational-type imaginary dialogues. An itch for a fight that never happened.

At first I thought it was the illusion of perfection that i now know my mind made it real, matrix style.
But I realize that and I cant say I miss her for the good times only.

I started thinking that its actually the abuse that I almost long for. The uncertainty, the idea of winning an unwinnable fight. Fighting for her heart was actually exciting in a way. I never behaved like that before (well, not LIKE that) and despite knowing I was humiliating myself I enjoyed the poetry, the flowers, the gifts. It felt good to give oneself to another. I felt good about myself as I always thought I'm a cold creature - to be able to do this and believe in it. Is the strongest part of the pain the realisation that it meant nothing to her? Am I hardwired to look for that acceptance that tells me that all the things I did matter to her? Is this not histrionic in itself? Ot is it part of the co-dependence i surely have?

I know HPD traits are exaggerated traits we all have. Hell, I have even experienced them from the other side - fight to reconquer someone then in the instant i did - felt slightly bored with her. That realisation brought shame as well

But the questions stands : even after rationalizing all this mess, does my obssesion relate more to the bad times than the good?

My golly do you sound like me, but I'm not HPD, I'm BPD. At least I was never diagnosed as such. Though I've known one other person I'm pretty sure has hpd and one person I suspect has it, that does the same thing with the constant imaginary dialouges, to the point of sometimes embarrassing shows of facial expressions or even talking out loud.

I just went through this with that person I strongly suggest is HPD, and I went through this weird phase where I crushed on him more because I lost him out of my life, (it was more of a fantasizing thing than ever wanting to make it romantic, I never decided that I wanted to be with him, and thank God for that the hell I went through!.

My suggestion to you is to look at what is making you angry, and take that faults in her character and accept that that is what caused this. Then decide you are more important and she should not have the power over you like this. Acknowledge that what you felt was beautiful and meaningful, and what she pretended to feel was simply a mask to have power. Refuse her that power, by reminding yourself by avoiding her everytime you want to contact her, that its over and she's going to just be going around in the same vicious cycle and that you want no part of it. You want to be free from it.

It took me 2 years to get over my crush. Then 6 months after I got that realization and did what I suggested. It can take time, unfortunately, and I'm still working on it. Though I also came to realize that he did what he did on purpose, he was trying to keep me into him, just to torture me for his pleasure. Don't let her win.

Branco wrote:But the questions stands : even after rationalizing all this mess, does my obssesion relate more to the bad times than the good?

just my 2 cents

Your obsession relates more to the bad times & the good... & the profound lack of just OK times.
You never specified for how long, but for a while you were in close relationship with a person who was constantly "rocking the boat". For all that time your emotions were either high, or low, or all over the place..., but never in balance... which means that your brain chemistry was out of balance...
(still is... - 2 months NC is not enough to bring it back to normal... especially for those who always thought they are cold creatures ). You got used to that out of balance state... it became your new normal...
Obsession is, most likely, a symptom of... withdrawal...

If you want to know more about what's been going on in you mind/body on chemical level, you can read something on neurochemistry of addiction (process addiction in this particular case). Knowledge IS power...

You did not ask, but I can't help mentioning...

Branco wrote:I have deleted her from fb but cant help from checking her page, where she parades her newfound love. I keep to NC even though its getting harder, not easier to do.

Yes, "checking her page" of all sorts is very tempting...
In sever cases it is called "trauma repetition" or "repetition compulsion"...

But if you want it-all to get easier, not harder...
you need to find a way to stop checking her page... all her pages...
Please? Pretty please?

Often we obsess because we are addicted, and recovering from any addiction is not a rational process. Asking why you obsess over something is a rational process, so it doesn't work too well getting over an addiction. Here is what I have in mind, from a recent post I wrote to Free at last:

Sometimes trying to think your way thru an addiction doesn't work by itself...although it can be helpful, I have found that using various techniques to fade out and extinguish the infatuation memories are more useful, at least initially:
-put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it sharply when you remember...same technique used to quit smoking, btw.
-go running, swimming, or another hard work out that raises your endorphins if you are experiencing memories and oxytocin cycling (i.e., remembering the relationship high, then getting depressed afterwards).
Because infatuation and passionate love are not rational processes, why would you think you can solve them only using rational thought?
When you need rationality, go thru the memories with a trained professional, so he/she as your advocate can offer you rational explanations and counterpoints, thus bolstering your own.

There are other things you can do. Often they involve forcing yourself to do things that you don't really want to...for example after a break-up with someone you loved you probably don't want to go out with anyone else, but do it anyway...get back out there, just for a diversion, as a way to get some new perspective. You don't have to jump into bed with them right away, just take it slow, but keep up the exposure to new and different people.
Another is to consider all the things that were wrong with you ex, you know, their flaws? Don't hate, but it's ok to get to a place where you are actively remembering their flaws, maybe even exaggerating a bit.
In other words, stop asking yourself what you did wrong, and instead activate your defense mechanisms in a balanced way, appropriate for these circumstances...you have defense mechanisms for a reason and time like this.

We were togheter for 1.5 yrs, living togheter since the 3rd day we met. We had booked the venue for the wedding and she was also pregnant. She destroyed everything and made it look like it was my fault.
I then spent 3 month trying to get her back, doing all the mistakes in the HPD textbook in that process.

To be honest right now the reason I keep to NC is that I know she will be back at some point, looking to lure me into her fanclub, looking forward to play a game I'm not good at. I just hope that by the time she does come back I will know better.

I am doing everything suggested here and by my therapist : I accept every invitation that comes my way, i do sports every day of the week, I try to keep myself busy. There's a funny feeling when I actually enjoy myself going out, that I'm not supposed to do that, but to go home and think about her . How about that co-dependency, heh.

One thing I failed at though was at dating. I had only crappy dates which were not of my fault, and I really need a good score

I do need to find a way of not checking about her, I know, but im not strong enough for that yet.

Interesting points about missing the high-low dynamics. I remember the fights I had in other relationships. They were..logical, there was feedback, I could actually see my partner at the time trying to make sense of what I just said and come up with her side of the story. There was dialogue, there was effort. I was more or less in control, I could decide if I wanted to give more or back down and the other person reacted to me.

Not with this one. It was her way or the highway. I did not matter, regardless of how I put things in perspective.

Thats why I think I'm also drawn to the conflictual side of things, not being in control is sexi for me, it challenges me.

Thank you all for your input. You're quite right that I cannot rationalize an emotion, but sadly thats the only way to get the upper hand..

well i am cheating a lotz recently
and my bf called me 40 TIMES on skype today in a row
literally for 3 hours
cuz he was mad at me!
and it gave me incredible headache I almost died

why do we obsess with each other?

That's because we are match made in heaven

Branco wrote:I started thinking that its actually the abuse that I almost long for. The uncertainty, the idea of winning an unwinnable fight. Fighting for her heart was actually exciting in a way. I never behaved like that before (well, not LIKE that) and despite knowing I was humiliating myself I enjoyed the poetry, the flowers, the gifts. It felt good to give oneself to another. I felt good about myself as I always thought I'm a cold creature - to be able to do this and believe in it. Is the strongest part of the pain the realisation that it meant nothing to her? Am I hardwired to look for that acceptance that tells me that all the things I did matter to her? Is this not histrionic in itself? Ot is it part of the co-dependence i surely have?

If you're codependent, it's probably related to that. In a strange way, you sort of liked the abuse.There's nothing wrong with liking the sort of relationship where the partners often emotionally abuse each other and I think a lot of normal relationships are like that honestly. But maybe it would be nice not to have a partner who cheats on you or one or to have one that genuinely values you as an individual.

Well said, thats what I'm shooting for.

If I was so happy with the wrong woman, imagine how happy I'll be with the right one.

Right?

Easier said than done tho

I think it's just something that has to wear off. It's weird though, I feel like I don't give a $#%^ about my histrionic at all in day to day life. She comes on to me at school and I am indifferent. However if I am around her for awhile I start feeling it for her again, and people were even telling me my pupils were dialating. I think maybe I still need to process my feelings for her or something ? Maybe me or you have a tendancy to deny our feelings for these women because we realize their such fake people.

Because we are like mythical creatures Branco. We are something out of myth, transcending the mundane, and becoming the perfect image of her that you once thought only existed in your imagination.