do the symptoms ever lessen

having been married to a classic textbook hpd for 10 years and been together for 13, I believe all the raging crazy histrionic behavior has over time subsided to a very minimal level. It has been the most painful and traumatic situation i have ever been through but through time abnd work it has gone away to a large extent. I confronted her on it flatout very early on(ie you have hpd and for us to continue it has to be worked on). I feel that my wife respects the enduring nature of our relationship and our family(4 yo twins). I think that she fears abandonment(having been abandoned by both her parents) more than she seems to need to feed the HPD, and i have used this to control alot of the hpd tendencies. I have provided a fantastic life for our family and this is important to her also. I have suffered greatly and am convinced that i now suffer from some form of ptsd to some degree but things have improved greatly(although i am sure that the hpd lies just below the surface). any other examples of the symtoms going away or subsiding in a long term relationship?

I have read that the Cluster B's become more tolerable later in life because their symptoms lessen due purely to old age and they no longer have the energy to perform as many of their harmful behaviours as they did in the past.

This lessening of negative affect in no way means old age has changed them. Make no mistake about it they remain personality disorderd as these conditions are all pervasive and thus they carry the same destructive beliefs and ideas as they always had despite seeming to appear better on the surface from getting older.

Anyway are you sure your wife fits the criteria for HPD with the seductive, dramatic, flirting with other guys disrespectfully right in front of your face behaviour?

You didn't really elaborate much on how she acts other than say she fears abandonment which is a huge borderline personality disorder trait which is another disorder part of Cluster B that can be co-diagnosed with HPD.

You also mentioned raging which again goes well with BPD moreso than HPD.

Crazymaking, gaslighting and projection three terms you might need to look up go with both of the disorders as well as the other two in Cluster B.

Anyway are you sure your wife fits the criteria for HPD with the seductive, dramatic, flirting with other guys disrespectfully right in front of your face behaviour?

absoluteley, has a marilyn monroe smile that can still knock you off your feet...but early on before i was as invested i made it clear i wouldnt deal with it....simple buh bye to you and to a large extent it went away. she had pretty much hit rock bottom after years of this behavior and i think that i offered a better way/great life which we have to this day. Attention seeking....aboluteley early on when the trash men came early in the morn she would frantically search the house for something that "had to be taken out while they were there", so as to slink around in a bathrobe infront of some grubby garbage men....again upon being confronted it basically stopped. the dsm mentions "asuming relationships are more intimate than they are.....i disagree i know that tshe honestly did not know how seductive and intimate she made average encounters.....ie getting hit on during a job interview.....but again most have at least retreated to the subsurface. It is less that we are "old or broken" were in our late 30's but the life we lead(upper class suburban soccer mom type) doesnt lend it self to such behaviours, and she values what we have. It makes for some interesting quirks in our marriage.....she treats me better when things are not going well, and i am distant, sadly the better i treat her the worse she is to me thus making me not want to treat her as well, which of course i do! i have no doubt that she could be co diagnosed with borderline or mabye even dependant(she cant make a decision to save herself), thanks for the heads up on this

"absoluteley, has a marilyn monroe smile that can still knock you off your feet..."

Just like Jessica Lange in the movie Blue Sky where she plays an HPD and wins an oscar for it. I highly recommend this movie to you. You are probably just like the Tommy Lee Jones character in it and I am sorry for you because of this.

"the dsm mentions "asuming relationships are more intimate than they are.....i disagree i know that tshe honestly did not know how seductive and intimate she made average encounters.....ie getting hit on during a job interview.....but again most have at least retreated to the subsurface."

Don't be so sure. I've read often that Cluster B's know exactly what they are doing and the negative effects their harmful behaviours will have on people. They are not insane or out of it mentally. The thing with them that makes their actions seem insane or out of it to others is they do not trust anyone and have very shallow emotions so they can appear to fall in love easily and new people that a normal person meets that would just be considered aquaintances to that person a Cluster B HPD or BPD well they will consider and treat that person like they've been a lifelong best friend sometimes but especially if they feel they can get something they need or want out of that person.

So yeah to sum up they know what they are doing at all times but be it harmful to you or good to you they just don't care because their emotions are so shallow. They will be impulsive and do what they want in the moment everyone else be damned.

"It is less that we are "old or broken" were in our late 30's but the life we lead(upper class suburban soccer mom type) doesnt lend it self to such behaviours, and she values what we have. It makes for some interesting quirks in our marriage.....she treats me better when things are not going well, and i am distant, sadly the better i treat her the worse she is to me thus making me not want to treat her as well, which of course i do! i have no doubt that she could be co diagnosed with borderline or mabye even dependant(she cant make a decision to save herself), thanks for the heads up on this"

The HPD's, BPD's hate themselves deep down so when a man tries to show them genuine love they push away and act awful to their partner if not outright drop them altogether for the love.

Men HPD's are very attracted to hilariously enough are fullblown ASPD's a.k.a sociopath/psychopath as they never give the HPD the love and intimacy she keeps trying to extract so then in her sick mind she feels this guy is special and clings to him thinking that she will one day break him to admit his love for her. Not gonna happen. What will likely happen in that scenario is the full blown ASPD sociopath will get sickened of her whining, drop her leaving her in severe depression and alcoholism for months because she's lost the only guy that made her feel strong emotions for sadly enough not providing her any emotions.

So in short thats what drives these HPD's wild.

Emotionless men.

These HPD's truly are Emotional Vampires just like Al Bernstein's book is titled.

They feed off of the emotions of others and keep using that poor bastard until they've drained every last drop of that or they simply get bored and need to seek out and inevitably damage the next victim.

You and your wife are still together but you are very much damaged. PTSD is what you and I both suffered as a result of our HPD experiences.

I'd ask you if its worth it to continue a relationship that is clearly harming you but I know with the years invested it'd be hard to just quit it now.

I guess the only thing I can say is both you and she need help.

She needs whatever it is exactly that she's got treated be it HPD or BPD or both and you need help for the PTSD and after all that you both need marriage counseling.

The phrase "all you need is love" though charming and inspiring is fantasy when dealing with Cluster B. Pure love and support will not help them get genuinely better at all. Only psychotherapy by a trained professional can. Then and only when thats well underway can your love and support really ever mean anything to your HPD.

Otherwise after a big discussion with your HPD about how she needs to change she might act good for a few months and things will appear to have improved but below the surface behind your back she is still likely cheating and lying up a storm about everything and anything. Well one or the other or whatever it is exactly that was harmful that your particular HPD did to you.

my wife would of made jessica lange look like a bit player in a elementary xmas pageant, in her day....i am actually a former combat infantry officer also...it ws an entertaining movie.. Some similiarities some not. There was never any lying or infidelity, the only time it raised its head early on i cut it off cold, and it stopped. She/we have the same goals and aspirations and those were moe important toher than continuing her hpd ways,which had extracted a terrible toll on her over the years, which isnt to say that it wasnt a devastatingly painful road to walk to get to where we are currently. All along i knew that my wife was a fundamentally good person, the victimof a tragic childhood, who made a series of poor judgements because of it.
You do offer some good insight. No one has ever accused me of being mushy or bubbly with emotions, which is why mabye we have fit well over the years. we are through most of the pain(some time ago) and now working onthe healing. We never sought prof help although we probably should have. many of the symptoms still manifest themselves, albeit in benign and charming ways. I gues my curent concern is the ptsd aspect of it, and working on that for the sake of my family. You sound like you got really banged up in your hpd encounter, i am sorry to hear it. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. Mabye one of the reasons i am exploring this is to find out why i chose to stick it out when i could have chosen a less ardous path?
thanks for the continous insight.
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