Finding someone compatible

The persona I present on a daily basis was created for work, and it's customer service based. It's a more upbeat version of myself; I'm cheerful, I smile constantly, I'm warm, open, charming. It was devised to ensure I make money, survivalistic. It was inspired by my family's model of how I should behave, outgoing and welcoming. I'm actually quite introverted and shy by nature. Somewhere along the way, it completely meshed with my personality. Perhaps I kept up the act because I enjoyed the positive way that people began to respond to me.

I don't really know who I am anymore. I know that I smile when I'm unhappy, and force myself to always present a positive image. I'm actually quite tired of this charade, it's draining.

The men I go out with, I end up despising them. I do everything to attract them. I tailor everything to them, my words, outfits, moods. So of course they fall for me, but once I have them, I drop the act. Not really consciously but by this point, I'm tired. I begin believing their words, "I love you for who you are". So I begin to be "myself". I'm actually quiet, shy, and emotional. They react, "What's wrong with you"?, calling me words like "moody", and expressing their dislike of my change. I hate them. They only like me when I'm in HPD mode. I feel like they've lied to me, but have I lied to them too?

I don't know. How do I find someone that likes my "real self", although I don't really know what that is. Someone who understands that sometimes I don't like to leave my house (sometimes I'm kinda avoidant), or talk to people at all and make one word answers.

I don't know. I know that I attract the wrong type of guys.

Great post

I think you answered part of your own question though. Yes, if you present yourself as something you are not, it's not surprising that others end up confused about who you are.

The rest of it (figuring who you are, and coming to understand what is reasonable to expect from others in a relationship) will likely take time and maybe therapy to work through. It's not entirely your fault though. Unfortunately many of us are taught variations on the same message. You have to always be smiling, happy, intelligent, right, strong, win at (fill in blank), whatever, to be liked/loved. It doesn't help any when your peers believe it too, and actually do ignore others who don't meet their idealized notion of how men/women should be. Some of that is just our culture though. We're bombarded with fiction and larger then life media persona's that nobody can live up to.

We can all too easily end up literal slaves to others approval, but why does their approval matter? For everyone their reasons are similar in that we have similar human reasons, but the specifics are different and based on our own life experiences and innate personality. For me there were various reasons, but it also had something to do with putting others up on pedestals. Really believing they all had it together and I did not. Once I realized it is just wasn't true, their approval mattered a lot less to me. Just another person with issues of their own, better at me in somethings, I better at others, and that's true of everyone. Nobody has a lock on everything.

As you start to relax and be yourself, as approval matters less, odds are you'll find people do like you for who you really are, but they will also reasonably give you space when you're communicating you've had enough, and also, likely get pissy back if they feel you are treating them unfairly. I think a big hurdle though for those with HPD is somehow, someway, getting past the point of feeling like something is wrong, feeling anxious, when the attention from others is turned off. Trying to keep everyone in a state of giving attention all the time is bound to be exhausting. Others reasonably give us attention when their own needs are being met too, and sometimes just because they really love us and care about us, but still, it's just never going to be all the time. They get exhausted too, and need their own down time.

Question -

It appears some people with HPD are raised by parents that teach them that it's absolutely important that people like them, that they act in ways that others approve of, as if being like by others is the ultimate calling/truth in life. Just wondering if that applies to you?

p.s. That message is shallow, and harmful, but a child wouldn't know that. On the face of it it sounds like it should be true, after all whats wrong with being liked and liking others? It turns out often plenty is wrong with that

exquisitecorpse wrote:

The men I go out with, I end up despising them. I do everything to attract them. I tailor everything to them, my words, outfits, moods. So of course they fall for me,

That's your problem right there. You don't need to do this kind of work. Think about who you want to be and be that. Be confident about it, be nice (but too nice) and the men will come to you. They are the ones who are supposed to do the work. You sit back choose the one that suits you. Not the other way around. Then show interest to the one you want.

Easy peasy!

What you said here is very interesting

It was inspired by my family's model of how I should behave, outgoing and welcoming. I'm actually quite introverted and shy by nature. Somewhere along the way, it completely meshed with my personality. Perhaps I kept up the act because I enjoyed the positive way that people began to respond to me.

Carl Rogers, my favourite therapist (after Jung) called this state of affairsj "Conditions of Worth" ie the parents or caregivers give the child the message that he/she is worthy only if they meet certain conditions set up by them, and in your case your "personality" seems to have been moulded by them. When a conflict arises as a result of this the result is Incongruence. The aim of the Carl Rogers model of therapy, Person Centred therapy is to help enable the person to get in touch with who they really are, and value themselves just as they are, and by doing so, they will be more congruent and true to themselves. I was so similar to you, projecting a certain persona, in my case an appeasing, charming and pleasing one, and attracted guys who valued me for having, or seeming to have, that type of personality, and not for who I really was. I was aware of a certain conflict going on, but was unable to recognise it for what it was until I had therapy.

The men I go out with, I end up despising them. I do everything to attract them. I tailor everything to them, my words, outfits, moods. So of course they fall for me, but once I have them, I drop the act. Not really consciously but by this point, I'm tired. I begin believing their words, "I love you for who you are". So I begin to be "myself". I'm actually quiet, shy, and emotional. They react, "What's wrong with you"?, calling me words like "moody", and expressing their dislike of my change. I hate them. They only like me when I'm in HPD mode. I feel like they've lied to me, but have I lied to them too?

People with HPD are very impressionistic. They are concerned with impressions - the impressions they make and the impressions they get from others. They learn to IMPRESS (ie project a certain persona) but they have never learnt to EXPRESS, that is to be themselves as they truly are. When they do attempt to express themselves as they really are, as human beings with good points and flaws just like everyone else, the partner is left feeling puzzled, confused, and maybe disappointed, not necessarily because of the person's flaws or humanity, but because this person is very unlike the person they thought they knew. The person with HPD has very low self esteem, and has never learnt to value themselves just as they are, and so they project a false persona, believing that this will make them worthy and valuable. In many cases this is because the parents or caregivers did not value the person with HPD for being themselves. When faced with rejection once more by partners and other people who react against the true expression, the person with HPD puts the mask back on, appeasing, impressing, projecting an idealized image of themselves, being an actress, a performer, and whoever the other person expects them to be. This then gives them a fleeting feeling of self worth, and the cycle goes on, and each time the mask comes off the result is more dramatic, almost as if the person with HPD is screaming "This is who I am!!! Please love me for being myself!!!!!!" Faced with more rejection, the person with HPD begins to despise the other for not allowing them to be their true selves, but in reality the anger is a projection of the anger that is felt towards the people who rejected them in early life. Does this make any sense or resonate with you?

I don't know. How do I find someone that likes my "real self", although I don't really know what that is. Someone who understands that sometimes I don't like to leave my house (sometimes I'm kinda avoidant), or talk to people at all and make one word answers.

Hun, first of all, YOU need to learn to like your real self, and discover who your real self is. This can be done through therapy, introspection, and soul searching. The process is painful, but also very beautiful. It sounds as if you have developed certain coping mechanisms and the secret lies in discovering the reasons why.

I don't know. I know that I attract the wrong type of guys.

As you begin to learn to love and accept yourself, your good points and your bad points, and learn to look within for validation, there will come a time when you will attract the kind of guy who is right for you. Therapy can really help.

Great post masquerade.

This may not sound entirely nice, but let me explain before judging please -

I did (and do as we still talk at times) encourage the woman I met to drop the impressions and be herself, and I guess that's why she hasn't wanted it to end, but I'll tell you it was hard too, because from my perspective she had/has a lot of unresolved issues, anger, and impulsive acting out 'under-the-hood' too. This of course feeds into the cycle masquerade wrote about.

So there is the conundrum. Be what others want you to be and though the think they like you, it's not you and exhausting. Be what you really want to be, and if there are unresolved issues, the other person wants to run because issues, anger, impulsive acting out, are hard to be on the receiving end of.

Being ourselves is healthy, but that doesn't mean blindly saying/doing whatever we are thinking/feeling. It also includes working through our issues and learning to be conscientious of how others feel, because others do have feelings/thoughts too, and simply being ourselves without any thought of others is not enough to have them liking us. I guess that can sound a lot like appeasing others, but it is very different.

There is a world of difference between an extreme of entirely burying ourselves and simply appeasing others for approval, and a more moderate approach of being ourselves, while still moderating our impulses, taking responsibility for our emotions, and being conscientious of how others feel.

Unfortunately my limited experience with this has been her extremes - black/white extremes of absolute appeasement/impressions for approval from strangers on one hand, or the other extreme of absolute refusal to bend to anyone's will that is really close to her, to do/say whatever she is feeling/thinking with no regard for the negative impact it has on others. Rigid personality thinking that is very hard to live with, and because of these extremes, they keep the cycle masquerade wrote about alive and well. Kind of like you see? I'm myself and people hate me!

I liked masquerade's post a lot. Maybe it would be a good time in life to put relationships on hold for a while, and focus on the soul searching masquerade wrote about?