Male HPD: I just need help.

This is the 3rd time I've tried posting, but deleted it because I'm afraid of being judged ill. The title says it all, I just need help. Help in the way I think, the things I do, everything. This may be a wall of text, it may not be. I'm just going to type until I'm done and hit submit.

I feel like the world is against me.

I feel like the things I do aren't enough. I'm constantly looking for validation when I only do the minimal.

I have a gaming addiction which doesn't help me in the previous statement.

When I feel I do more than enough, I feel like nobody notices it. Tonight for example, I had a list of things to do and I did my fair share of it, with intent to finish after dinner. I made my fiance a special dinner which was the same meal I made her on our first date, minus meatballs (can't make meatballs without meat). I was questioned as to why there weren't meatballs, why I hadn't heated sauce up yet. I immediately went on the defensive. Like I was being attacked, and the special I was doing wasn't enough. I put all the laundry and dishes up, except for the load of laundry that was still in the dryer and the dishes that were to be done after dinner.

I can't seem to take no for an answer.

I seek attention when I get none.

I feel like posting this is just fueling my HPD and I don't even want to post it.

I'm scared I'll chase my fiance away, things aren't so hot lately since I lost my job.

I regained employment, however I'll have 4 days off per week and a list of things to do on my day off.

I'm afraid that I'll never appease her, like I can't do enough. Even if I was perfect I don't think it would be enough.

Help.

Hi Cbquette

Welcome to the HPD forum Hey don't worry about judgement; feel free to express yourself. This place is for you, as well as everyone else.

Although some of the behaviors you described do sound like HPD, we don't diagnose Personality Disorders in Psych Forums, in part because we don't have the training, and even if we did, diagnosis should always be a live, three-dimensional affair between a client and a professional.

Along those lines, I would suggest that you see a professional at your convenience. But in the meantime, do keep posting and reading here.

I'm scared I'll chase my fiance away, things aren't so hot lately since I lost my job.

For something immediately practical to focus on, I would get another job - any job, for now, and make an honest effort to keep your relationship alive and well with your fiancee. IMO it's always important to maintain an anchor with your external reality...the world of work and relationship with another, while investigating your personal issues.

A balance, one that avoids both denial and morbid self-focus, but instead wisely combines your external and internal realities.

For something immediately practical to focus on, I would get another job - any job, for now, and make an honest effort to keep your relationship alive and well with your fiancee. IMO it's always important to maintain an anchor with your external reality...the world of work and relationship with another, while investigating your personal issues.

Orion, one amendment needs to be issued to your advice.

Getting another job - when a PwPD has lost their job is incredibly difficult.

You take a person susceptible to very low self-esteem, then lower their self-esteem by losing their job - they really are in a deep, deep low.

And it can get worse. How? You ask.

Well, imagine being at the very bottom, feeling like a worthless piece of crap and then applying for jobs. What if you don't get it? What if they reject you? What if they don't find yourself good enough?

It can make a PwPD who is already at a very low point get even lower.

You are right, the secret is to get another job. The problem is the process. How to get another job without risking the rejection of failed job applications.

I'm afraid that I'll never appease her, like I can't do enough. Even if I was perfect I don't think it would be enough.

Have you expressed these feelings to her?

If yes, how did she respond?

If no, why not?

HPD is characterized by exaggerated emotional expressions and an extreme longing for attention.

If you take that into consideration, can you rationalize your emotions and figure what you're exaggerating? (I know that sounds extremely harsh, I can't find a better word to use in this instance.)

When I feel I do more than enough, I feel like nobody notices it.

What do you mean by "more than enough"? And do you praise people when they do "more than enough"?

Tonight for example, I had a list of things to do and I did my fair share of it, with intent to finish after dinner. I made my fiance a special dinner which was the same meal I made her on our first date, minus meatballs (can't make meatballs without meat). I was questioned as to why there weren't meatballs, why I hadn't heated sauce up yet. I immediately went on the defensive. Like I was being attacked, and the special I was doing wasn't enough. I put all the laundry and dishes up, except for the load of laundry that was still in the dryer and the dishes that were to be done after dinner.

Was there a reasonable expectation for you to have you list done before dinner?

You stated you made the same meal, then said it wasn't exactly the same meal. Was your fiancee expecting the same meal? Did you introduce it, "Look honey, I made that same meal we had on our first date!" and then it wasn't exactly what you'd had before? If so, do you see how you set yourself up for the question about meatballs?

Also were you presenting the meal as ready when it wasnt? (You stated that sause wasn't heated yet.)

Sometimes we set ourselves up for a reaction that we don't expect, and we get caught off guard and become defensive. You have to make yourself aware of the things you say and do, being aware will help you not get into situations that you feel upset.

Also, you state you lost you job but have a new one? Is there an expectation from your fiancee for you to "earn your keep" if you're no longer working full time? If yes, are her expectations reasonable?

Hope this helps, and don't ever feel like you'll be judged here. We all need help seeing things sometimes.

Cacster wrote

How to get another job without risking the rejection of failed job applications.

You can't, because there is risk in everything: if you never take a risk, you will never make a gain. That is the real nature of the universe we all encounter.

In truth, I don't always know what to tell people who think they are HPD, or another disorder. I'm not always sure they are what they think they are. And I havn't been trained in CBT or DBT. I don't want to say something to anyone that might hurt them in some unintended way. That's why I tell them to see the shrink, which maybe has a bit of 'magic wand' quality to it. I don't intend it to be shallow. But what I do know, I have lived...my recommendation to Cbquette to get any job is of course a reflection of me...I can remember being unemployed and sitting around thinking about my troubles and it drove me crazy. So I took a job selling food stamps printed with missing children flyers. Door to door, min. wage, people slamming doors in my face, a few commending me for what I was doing. But all told, it was still better then doing nothing, and wondering what I had done to deserve being unemployed and down. IMO activity...always at least a diversion from your troubles. Even volunteer work is better then nothing...and you can ask for a reference for your resume.

But I also understand the pain of rejection, and how that pain can be extreme, whether one is disordered or not.
I guess then, logically, we must take steps to understand why we hurt so much after being rejected. To psychologically deconstruct rejection...to make it hurt less, let it roll off our backs, even learn from the rejection process, until we succeed. Psychotherapy, I guess, more or less.

But it was my experience that psychotherapy alone wasn't optimal...the best program combined the external program of the activity of real life, in combination with the introspection of psychotherapy. Together the two are effective...I can remember it was like this harvested energy flooding through me, like chi.

And hanging onto our relationships (the healthy ones, anyway) for in others we see and find ourselves. Which at first might sound wrong in the HPD forum, but I believe it - once we are in possession of our true selves, we are reflected and confirmed by another.

i feel sorry for male hpds in a few areas which,
the traif of hpds that are omre beneficial/less harmful to females
like job thing.. you can more easily get away with a few things if you are female hpd



but whatever.
go through it!
break the wall in front of ya