What are their lives like?

You know, it really saddens me to see so many hurtful things being said about sufferers of HPD. I understand we unwittingly hurt people and can cause untold pain to innocent people, but can't everybody see that it's not something we can help?!!

We're not all psychologists able to dissect every emotion or able to weigh up the pros and cons of every situation BEFORE we do things. We are flawed and broken and believe me, if i could take back all the things i've done to people over the years, i would do it in a heartbeat.

If somebody that has cancer hurts someone they love because of the stress and pain they were under themselves, we would forgive them right? HPD should be likened to cancer or any other disease! It's something most of us were born with, or at least inherited over the years. We don't choose it, it chooses us.

People should try and be kinder. Maybe showing us more compassion will also teach us to be more compassionate.

nicko_184 you are so self centered. How dare you compare HPD to people with cancer. They are suffering from a painful, horrible life threatening disease. People with cancer are faced with serious problems such as, who will take care of their children when they die and how the rest of their loved ones will go on.
People with HPD know right from wrong, and they know when they are lying. The people they have hurt are too busy picking up the pieces of their broken life to offer their compassion because they have been sucked dry and they have no more to give. It is not like cancer. Stop looking for excuses and get help.

I think I have some HPD tendencies; not so much the attention seeking, and certainly not negative emotional scenes, as I hate people crying and don't like to seem weak in front of anyone, but my sexual relationships follow a pattern which seems quite indicative of HPD to me. I want to change this and have something lasting and real, and specifically I would like to stop hurting people I get into relationships with.

I tend to start a relationship very intensely and closely read the other person in order to play their ideal person, because I enjoy making them happy and enjoy the process of two people falling for one another. I find they fall for me quickly, often believing they have met The One. Consciously or otherwise, I seem to choose people who are susceptible to the highly romantic idea that they have met their perfect partner.

I know this sounds manipulative, but at the time when I'm "playing" the ideal partner, I 95% believe I've finally found my true self- it doesn't feel like playing, it feels like true self-discovery. Later, I'm quick to dismiss it as a phase, but it feels so real at the time. I thrive on variety, so taking on a new self through a new partner is exciting and makes me very happy, which the partner interprets as something they've created, which reinforces the feeling that we've made a mutual connection.

The problem is when I start to find it a strain, or boring, to maintain this perfect partner persona and start to change again, often because I've become hooked on a new, usually very different, person. I start to feel like I was fooling myself before and this new person is really the one I can be truly happy with, and the process begins all over again. My break ups are usually abrupt- I write a letter, or have conveniently been about to move out of the area anyway, or have a brief conversation then never see them again, though I've later maintained flirty friendships with exes.

At the moment I've just ended the longest relationship I've ever had (around a year and a half) and begun a new one. What is different this time around is that I work in the same office as my ex, so I'm actually being forced to confront the fact that the other person still exists and is still hurting, and I feel just horrible.

I really like this new person -I feel we have a lot more in common than previous relationships- and I want to make this one work, because the idea of this lovely new person ending up as hurt as the previous one currently is is terrible. How can I stop myself playing some unrealistic perfect partner and just be me? How can I stop getting bored between 6 and 18 months in? And how can I stop fancying and occasionally sleeping with other people when I'm in a relationship? I guess it's will power, but it seems so difficult and I often indulge in the more reckless of these behaviours when drunk or on drugs, thus diminishing my sense that I am responsible for myself anyway. Although I know this is wrong.

Being with one person for life though: how do people do it? How do you not get bored? I wouldn't mind skipping from person to person but I don't want to hurt people so I have to change.

bane_of_histrionics wrote:Are HPDs ever happy? Do they lead happy lives?
On first impression, one thinks that they play all these games for fun, to enjoy hurting other people, to relish watching their victims collapse emotionally and mentally.
Do they actually consider their lives worth living? I've read somewhere that their lives are "more miserable than any punishment Satan could devise for them". Is this true? In what ways are their lives miserable?

I am very happy. I think I am a little more intelligent/developed than the average sufferer though, and as such have learned to manage my 'illness' to the point that I like it (bar one component). I really do enjoy loving myself. Further, I enjoy being better than others, playing with them, watching them squirm, then tossing them away. Obviously I don't do this to my select friends (those I consider intellectual equals). But it really is genuinely rewarding flexing your superiority muscle like that, try it some time. My only complaint is the encumbering and incessant need for attention. Bar that HPD rocks, and if you don't like it, lick my nuts. (Do I need to censor that? The whole expression is obscene, so I don't know which word to censor). However I have never felt the usual HPD symptom of losing interest and tossing away of ones loved ones. I crave the whole closeness/commitment thing, and don't stop. I am like every womans wet dream. But yeah, I'd bet that I am on average happier than you. Especially seeing as you are a non-HPDer posting on a HPD support forum. That and your handle 'bane of histrionics' (pah! not me) it implies that you are having or have had some problems with someone with HPD. It must suck to be the victim. Next time, don't let it upset you, really go through the chain of events very slowly in your mind and you will isolate a specific moment in which you became upset. That was a decision based upon an assessment of your situation. Next time, don't make that decision. That way, you will spend more of your life happy, rather than bitter. I ask you, are they worth it?

bane_of_histrionics wrote:Are HPDs ever happy? Do they lead happy lives?
On first impression, one thinks that they play all these games for fun, to enjoy hurting other people, to relish watching their victims collapse emotionally and mentally.
Do they actually consider their lives worth living? I've read somewhere that their lives are "more miserable than any punishment Satan could devise for them". Is this true? In what ways are their lives miserable?

I often observed that my HPD would appear really sad and pathetic at times, for no apparent reason. I suspected some problems at home. Is it true that lack of activity makes them depressed?

Some HPDs actually manage to get married. Do their marriages last?

Well, I'll just answer these from my perspective and hope you can relate.
1. yes, the games they play pump up their ego and make them feel powerful; they create happiness
2. they leave happy lives unless and until things like; unavoidable emotions, a feeling of childish helplessness, a feeling of emptiness, and such things set it (which they are unavoidable)
3. your first impression of their games was correct; don't doubt it, that's what the HPD wants
4. um, i keep living my life for the dreamed of glory and my goals and stuff like that; but basically for the savior character who will solve my every problem and finally i will feel fulfilled
5. well, right now i'm pretty unhappy, but i've been in an emotional situation recently (i am usually a-emotional) but, i think Satan could devise something worse. he did create hell and all!!!

digital.noface wrote:

bane_of_histrionics wrote: However I have never felt the usual HPD symptom of losing interest and tossing away of ones loved ones. I crave the whole closeness/commitment thing, and don't stop. I am like every womans wet dream.

Wow, didge! You don't lose interest and toss away "loved ones" once they show they care about you? I am pretty sure that that trait is the basis, at least part of the basis of HPD! I'm not sure you have HPD if u are able to achieve these great emotional connections?! From what I know from reading 'Hysterical Personality' by Mardi Horowitz, those who can achieve such are not HPDers. I think you are just a narcissist with a mis-diagnosis! KontrollerX, if u read this, what's ur opinion???

I think that digital's NPD is the stronger of the two disorders in him for sure.

NPD's do hate love but I suppose I could see them sometimes tolerating it if the person they are with is someone they view can bring them a lot of praise and esteem ie narcissistic supplies.

so, the "conquered" effect when someone feels genuinely for an HPD, is not present in all HPDs? I just assumed that was a big part of the whole disorder? maybe didge. has hysterical personality? or can u really have HPD and be able to love...well, it's probly not real love...and i have that narcissistic love to
nevermind, i get what ur saying

A severe HPD can be captured by a man that wants her only as long as he makes her perceive him as strong and kind of unfeeling towards the bad things she does to him like cheating and such.

She will stay with this guy but ruthlessly cheat on him to I guess get the kind of excitement, distraction, new validation and attention cheating brings that wards off the HPD depression and anxiety.

Such a guy is likely that in love he will play this game and tolerate the HPD's ways, is a bit crazy himself, just using her for sex or well actually take your pick of what I just said.

The reasons a guy would do this are many and in my opinion genuine love for that HPD and wanting her to be with you no matter what is the only ethical option to take.

Wow, didge! You don't lose interest and toss away "loved ones" once they show they care about you? I am pretty sure that that trait is the basis, at least part of the basis of HPD! I'm not sure you have HPD if u are able to achieve these great emotional connections?! From what I know from reading 'Hysterical Personality' by Mardi Horowitz, those who can achieve such are not HPDers. I think you are just a narcissist with a mis-diagnosis! KontrollerX, if u read this, what's ur opinion???[/quote] Hmmm, how do you say. I am a histrionic because I require attention to motivate myself. Without it I am hopeless. I do lose interest in girls I feel I've conquered, but that is more cloesely tied to my NPD, I think. My NPD certainly is the strongest of my two personality disorders, however, remember I am a guy. As such, a lot of the 'norms' for HPD don't apply, or express themselves differently (Seeing as it is over 90% a female condition, or something to that effect). In the past I have indirectly pushed girls away by smothering them with love ( and this 'take care of me, deep down I'm a lost little boy' kind of role) once they 'love' me (I play it cool before then. I suppose this is the same thing. I have alos noted that nearly every girl I've seriously date was 'the one' until the inevitable breakdown, except for the one I'm with now, she really is the one... (what? She is!). Seriously though, this time it actually is different. I get better and better with each relationship. I think I have enough self-awareness (of action, not existence :p) to manage this one. Plus she's a super girl.