Are these traits of HPD?

Hello, I am a new poster here.

This could be a long read, and my language and typing skills aren't all the best, so my apologies in advance!

Introduction!
I've come out of a seriously heavy relationship with a BPD woman last year. I'll spare the details, but lots of suicide threats and cheating and triangulation, push pull dynamics were involved.
This had worn me out emotionally so bad that I lost 8 kilo in body weight, and had severe PTSD.
I had to go to the other side of the world to heal up from this experience (NZ Australia).

By this time my BPD Red Flag alarm was on high and high alert.
But I met a girl in Australia and we went travelling together for about 3 months (start of a wonderful honeymoon), very charming, apathetic and shallow even, but very seductive, very pretty and vain and adventurous. (would end sentences with complete strangers with "Thank you Darling" with a sensual voice for instance). Could only talk about herself, and mostly about clothes, food, make up. Never ever about feelings, but we had fun every day was an adventure so we didn't really needed to go that deep, there were enough distractions.
I fell for her, finally someone who isn't dramatically, I thought.

Although she had a tough past, remarried parents, sister on drugs, father died early, she had 3 married older boyfriends (at least 15 years older).
But she told all these stories lightly and without drama, just like it was no big deal, so my BPD alarm didn't go off.
Anyway more red flags started to pop up, she had a history of cheating, a fetish for submissive BDSM.
And the way she treated ex-boyfriends was a major red flag, One rang her up crying and begging, and she treated him like dirt. laughed behind his back and degenerate him over the phone. When she hung up she told me what a pathetic loser he was. I asked why, and the reason she came up with was because he sent a letter after the break up, begging her. Then she went in "Child mode" and wanted to have rough sex with me.

I was kind of shocked by this. I knew then that if/when the relation ends, I would never ever ever ever beg. I remember telling myself this.

Anyway more red flags came up, she started flirting and touching other men (when she was drunk), sometimes multiple men in groups (but no kissing, but she did ask for phone numbers). One time I took her back to the appartment and told her I would go on by myself and leave her, she begged and begged me.

Well you get the picture, and remember I didn't know anything about HPD at this stage, but I did know I should be careful with this girl, since her black painting of exes, had me pretty nauseous, knowing that one day I would be her ex too.

At this stage in the honeymoon I was still dominant and in control, and she followed me around, but there werent a lot of distractions around.

It was when we ended in the big city and she found a job in a bar. She started to go out late, not come home, or didn't remember how she got home. Get drunk a lot, wanting me to come over less often. At this stage I felt myself become more needy and less dominant, I couldnt control this girl anymore, and she had all these guys flirting with her. My self esteem broke down.

She was posting on facebook how she was going clubbing, putting pictures up with her hugging other guys, etc etc.

When I told her I was getting jealous she lost respect for me, and started to turn her phone off, or not reply to texts. And then one day she texted me (not even a phone call, can you believe it?), "dont want to keep you dangling, but I think were flogging a dead horse, but I will always want to be your friend and stay in your life"

My initial thought was begging, groveling, sobbing, promising improvement etc.
But then I remembered about her ex boyfriends and how she treated them and talked about them and I told her this (with a broken heart):

"Yeah I think you're right, we are just not meant to be, I was thinking the same thing, but you beat me to it. No hard feelings though, we can move on, our own way as friends "

(Of course I wasnt going to be friends, I blocked her off facebook the same minute, for protection of my soul, lol)

Anyway minute later she rang me, and I remained cool and told her about how relieved I was the word was out, and felt liberated. Guess thats not what she wanted to hear, because I heard a pause and a broken voice saying, "OK, I gotta go, all the best" and then we broke contact this was 5 weeks ago, a few texts now and then telling each other basically how great our life's are without eachother. But thats a game I didnt want to play anymore so I didn't reply anymore.

Anyway inside I was/am broken, betrayed, my self esteem out of the window, but the thought of her exes and my BPD history and the remaining of my frame and NC tips I got from online forums kept me alive, and remain some dignity and manhood, and I managed to some how apply those here too.

Just a shame that I found out about HPD when I was already too far involved with this girl and we have shared so many fine memories, If she had just had some empathy and respect and understanding she would be my dream woman.

Now I could literally go on for hours about details of this girl, but I do have a few questions as a conclusion:



Do HPD girls dissociate during sex?
We could never have "loving" sex, it was always dirty and degrading, were she would say that she is my submissive wh0re and she is addicted to cawk, and she really loved being dominated, and loving words were a turn off.

Do HPD girls split in personality?
Sometimes when we would meet on the streets and she would have her make up on and nice clothes on, she would seem to have a look like a zombie, like empty inside, like a Queen, and classy woman and empty shell, and a "Hanniball Lector" stare in her eyes, an unavailable shell of a woman.
But then again, when we were alone, and she was in joggings and we were intimatly and affectionetly she was very childlike, (which I loved about her) giggling like a little child, using childish words with a childish voice (for instance: Poopie stainy).

Do HPD girls love torturing?
She loved to bite me in public, she loved to pull beard hears with her teeth, she loved popping spots on my body (sorry for the details, you gotta love internet anonymity )

Do HPD girls treat acquaintances like long lost friends?
I was so surprised even shocked by this. She organized a whole birthday weekend party for a girl she met just 3 days earlier. She missed a date with me for that, bought bottles of wine, bought tickets for a boatride, organized a group and went for drinks for a "pre-birthday". You cant make it up.
Even the girl whos birthday it was showed she was very awkward about all this.

Also there was a wedding of some friend of a friend of hers, and she stayed there for 7 days to organize/participate in hen party, dress ups and stuff like that, it was bizarre to see.

Do HPD girls have a complete lack of interest in the life of others?

This is so conflicting because she couldnt stop talking about other people. She had a million stories about other people, and was even obsessed about meeting people she barely knew.

She knew loads and loads of details about her ex, but whenever I talked about my family or the house my sister is building or the relationship with my parents, her mind would drift away she would grab the iPad and start playing a game while I was talking, and until a pause came she would make a comment like, "Don't forget we need to pick up the laundry". This really got me bothered, and moments like that made me made sure that this was never going to be the woman who I would marry/knock up.


Anyway I blocked her on facebook, because she posts like 5x a day, including pictures of partying, so I dont want to open Pandora's box.


But I do miss her, I guess it's the lack of closure, validation, mutual understanding, the feeling that I could never had her, that I was never that special to her, eventhough I had invested a lot of myself in her emotionally, and now I am probably painted black as the "Bad Boy" ex who had rough sex with her and pretty much emotionless F'ed off without a word.

But inside I feel drained.

Thanks for the long read!

it was fun to read!

*closes the book*

oh yea, you were asking a question!

yes they are traits of hpd in my humble opinion

bye !

sorry that you could not get her....

everything will be okay hun!

QuadDeuces -

People's personalities vary, but the general pattern you've described does sound like a fairly typical relationship with someone who has BPD/HPD personality traits.

You sound like a smart guy, but had to learn the hard way, like many of us. You've been through the honeymoon phase, a big ego booster to be treated so special. The too good to be true phase when the ego boosts for us has us putting on the blinders over the red-flags. It's during this phase when she had her ego stroked as well, proof another guy can fall for her, it's during this phase when she gained 'control', another virtual trophy.

You were right when you observed her mind would drift away when you talked about you, but like so many other red-flags, we tell ourselves what we want to believe, and when we're walking on cloud-9, thinking we're a really lucky/special guy to be #1, it's hard to accept what is right in front of us that contradicts that belief.

You know that when it comes to the game of jealousy, she will always win. That's hard on our egos to accept, but I can guarantee you that it is a game, one that strokes her ego to win, one that she will play again with someone else. I can guarantee she won't play it with a man she honestly believes she'll lose with, because that would hurt her ego. The implications of that are, to be honest, hard to swallow, but true from my experience. There are some games you just can't win. The only way to ?win?, is not to play. You may not feel it yet, but you are a fortunate man to be free of this game, and that she has moved on with no further repercussions.

p.s., Keep in mind some men choose women who they can mentally, sometimes physically abuse. It makes them feel stronger. They always pick weaker victims, to assure their success. It's obvious that they have weak egos, or wouldn't need to abuse another to feel good about themselves. The only difference between this kind of abuse, and the jealousy abuse game? The former is overt, the later covert. As a male it may even seem humorous to some that you've been psychologically abused, and lost. An unfortunate double-standard, but no doubt you have been abused psychologically. In the realm of sexual seduction, that is her domain, a realm where it's far easier for her to win. Nothing wrong with that. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but what is wrong is to use our strengths to beat down others to boost our own weak egos. It doesn't matter if it's a physically stronger man beating his physically weaker GF, or a more sexually seductive woman psychologically beating her BFs ego down, it's abuse, plain and simple, motivated by someone whose own ego is poor, so it makes them feel stronger to hurt someone weaker.* Be happy you are free of it.

*p.s.s - abusers will rarely admit it's their intent to hurt others. That's another story why, but on some level they are either aware that is precisely their intent, or oblivious. Either way, they won't stop, and you are better off without abusers in your life.

I don't think it really matters exactly what she has, but she is definitely personality disordered. I see a lot of commonalities in her past behavior to myself, and I've been diagnosed with most of the cluster B disorders. The positive side to your situation is now you are aware of disordered behavior and hopefully will avoid future relationships like this. When you've known one, you've known all. When you get that sinking feeling in your stomach and a bit of deja vu around a new girl, RUN.

QD, you have to remember, "you" do not matter to a HP.  I know it does not feel that way when you're in the #1 slot. All that truly matters is the supply that you offer.  If the supply is new, abundant and needed, the HP will heavily nourish the source as primary until it becomes stale.  All the while, alternate sources are continually sought after and prioritized by quality and availability.  The HP is not interested in your life, needs or desires outside of how displaying interest in those things help maintain the level of supply needed from you at the moment. The HP is hard wired this way. It does not take thought or contemplation to behave in this manner.  It is their nature.  While it may feel like these actions are purposely malicious in their intent, that is usually not the case.  HP's justify this behavior in a variety of ways that do not include identifying themselves as a manipulator.   To the extent that a HP may be aware of how you may be negatively impacted, they believe  your emotional state to be your responsibility. This is how you can be convinced that moving away from the HP is an act of victimization on your part.  The only people who can thrive with a HP are people who are using the HP as an alternate  source of their own and are content to be the HP's alternate supply.  It is not possible for a person to maintain the #1 position with a true HP.  If that is what matters to you, you will be heavily disappointed each time you go back.