how to support someone?

today my best friend's on-again off-again boyfriend of the last year died and while I am somewhat struggling with dealing with it myself, as he was a friend of mine although we didn't exactly always get along due to a few violent outbursts on his part and the fact that I generally felt my friend would be better off without him as their relationship was tumultuous to say the least, I'm mostly worried about my best friend and I feel like I don't know what the hell to do to support her through this. she loved him very much. no one close to me has ever died so death has always been the one thing I can't relate to and so I don't know what to say to people experiencing grief. I feel helpless because I can't actually make this any better. it's just done, he's gone forever, one minute he was in my world and the next I found out he's not. how do you console someone going through such a huge loss? what do you say? I have no idea what to do here

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Your best friend may want to talk about it or she may want to be alone. Everyone grieves differently. Let her know you are there for her whether she wants to talk, cry, needs a hug, or just wants someone close by to sit with in silence. Let her know you are sorry this happened. He’s gone now, so there is no point bringing up anything negative about him. Just be understanding, comforting and non-judgmental. Don’t give unsolicited advice, or say you understand if you don’t.

that's all really good advice. thank you for your reply.

Grieving a loss and supporting your friend as she grieves can be difficult. Isolation is not a healing step in grieving. I would be present for your friend, listen to her speak about the loss, and share your feelings also. Both the good and the not so good things about your friend who died. Neither of you truly knows how the other person feels, grief is unique to each individual so, saying you know how she feels is not true, you don't, as she doesn't know how you feel.
Hugs are wonderfully healing if you both are open to receiving them. You and/or your friend may find a support group to assist you as you grieve. It can be helpful to know that there are others who are feeling the pain of a loss too. I would recommend you both read books on grief as it is, for most of us, an unfamiliar experience. Books such as "The Grief Recovery Handbook". It provides an action plan through the grieving process and dispels the cliches we may hear after a loss that are less than helpful such as "it just takes time"! How much time??
Be kind to yourselves as you heal.
Best,
Audrey Pellicano

You might want to check out grieflink.net, which has a lot of good information about how to help those who have suffered a loss.

^ I'll check that out for sure. thanks everyone

I do agree that support groups are a good idea but for many, they feel uncomfortable or don't want to share. Being there, being supportive, simply listening is very important. I don't know how you feel about sharing your grief with her as you are grieving two completely individuals in some respects - you a friend and her a boyfriend. Church I think can be a good outlet as well.

i have a bpd support group that i go to but it was only twice a month up until this week and so we haven't had it in a few weeks and i couldn't make the one this week as i was out of town. so i don't have that for almost another week. i've been sharing some thoughts and feelings with her, i feel like there isn't really anyone else for me to share them with that would get it the way she does, as he was never much of a part of conversation when he was alive with anyone but her so she already knows our dynamic and everything.

right now i can't figure out what to wear to his celebration of life that's happening tomorrow and it's stressing me out. blarg

What about getting your best friend a way to hold onto some of her boyfriend's ashes for Christmas? I've bought them as gifts for the holidays as well as grieving gifts and it might be something that will help. Maybe a silver cross? Hope things are better for both of you.

his family has the ashes and are planning on spreading them somewhere on the one year anniversary of his death.