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My Best Friend died

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My Best Friend died

Postby j.r.e » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:12 am

just a bit of a vent ....novel
When i was 16, (i am 19 now) i was visiting my friend, who i hadnt seen in a long time. he was visiting his grandparents who lived sort of near me. when i was their, we just walked around town, which didnt take long because it was so small, when we were walking we ran into some of my friends old schoolmates, he started talking, and i drifted off, because i was bored. I ran into Conner, who was sitting on the ground, looking a little distant, and we started talking. Within 5 minutes, we were best friends. I later found out that he was heavy into drugs, and that he would shoot up often. Conner had no friends, his mother was a massive drug addict and was labeled as a "bad egg" by other parents because of her, which in turn sent him down that path. My friends Grandparents liked the fact that i was getting along with Conner so well, and said i could visit him whenever i wanted. which was every weekend for about half a year. Eventually two friends of mine mentioned they were going to move into a house, three bedroom and asked if i wanted to move in with them. i asked if i could bring Conner, get him out of that town, and he would be able to start over. When i told Conner of this, he was beyond happy, he was in the best mood i had ever seen him. he hugged me and kept saying thank you. but we had about 3 weeks before we could actually move in. by this point it was summer vacation. i stayed with him throughout this time period. he wanted off the drugs, and he wanted me to do what i could to keep him off them, i sat with him night after night as he went through really awful withdrawals. One week before we were moving, Conner and i were just hanging out in town, and he starting acting a little odd. Like he was really anxious, and eventually said to me "hey bud, just wait here ok? ill be right back" i nodded and he walked down the road and around the corner. after a few minutes of waiting, i heard gunshots. I ran as fast as i could in the direction of the sound, and when i turned the corner, there he was. laying on the ground, blood all over. I ran to him and he was still alive, i took his cell and called for an ambulance, but it was a small country town, really outta the way, they werent going to show up for a long time. He told me then, that, he was thankful for everything i had done for him, and he told me that he loved me and also made me promise to never do anything like drugs or have to much alchohol, and that i was the best friend he ever had. I realised that he wasnt going to make it. and i told him i was gonna name my first son after him, and that he was my best friend, and that i loved him, and that i would become a teacher, and do everything i could to help kids who were written off kids like him. but then things started turning to the worse, he started convulsing, he was crying, the whole thing was just terrifying and eventually, he died in my arms. his green eyes went off staring at me, and eventually the ambulance showed up. as a drug addict, his death was written off. turned out he was shot because he owed drug money. the news said barely anything about him, no one knew him. at his wake, i was the only one who stayed the full duration, even his mother was barely their, and when she was, she was high.
its been 3 years, my grades before meeting Conner were awful. like 50 averages. my grades shot up to 79 - 85 averages. I just recently got into university for teaching. ive been on the go so much, pushing myself so much that now, now that ive made it to university, im beyond tired. i miss him so much, and the memory of that day has haunted me forever, just recently i have been hit with so much depression based on what happened, i dont know why. and i want to know what to do? I know it will always hurt, that this will always be apart of me, but i dont even know, maybe finally letting this out somehow will help. thanks for your time.
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby jasmin » Tue Feb 23, 2010 7:54 am

((((((((((j.r.e.)))))))))) Yes, letting it out is good for you. It would help if you could talk to a decent therapist about all this and tell them about the depression too. You could go to your regular doctor and ask where you can get that kind of help.
It sounds like your friend Conner was really lucky to have you in his life. I bet you made him happy.
Maybe it's just time for all the feelings you had about his death to come out. It could be that you focused on school to try and block some of them out, because they were very painful.
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby exl2398 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:20 am

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, JRE (((((hugs)))))

I am guessing a good therapist would be an excellent idea. And of course posting here.

I am glad you went to college for teaching. Good luck to you, your friend would be proud :)
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby IvoryBill » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:24 pm

Three years is not very long in the timeline of grief. After both my best friends died in a single year, 3 years later I was still deep in depression. And lonely without them, and simply eaten up by misplaced anger. The hurt does get better with time, but it takes a LONG time--and it'll never go away completely. And the grief will come and go in fits and starts. It's not necessarily a steady, even thing, so you'll have many days that are much worse than others. Sounds like right now you're going through a bad patch.

Of course neither of my dear firends actually died in my arms(!), so you've got extra trauma too, which may be complicating your grief.

Take care. I hope you find what you're looking for. (Short of bringing Conner back, which is probably what you feel like you want more than anything in the world.) :cry:
"When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened,
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon.
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane,
Walking in my old footsteps once again."

--Colin Hay
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby j.r.e » Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:10 am

ty everyone.
This sunday Conner would have been 19 so im a little upset.
ive made the whole instance aware to a few of my friends, because i normally dont speak of it, and they have backed me up a great deal. im thankful to hear that bad "patches" happen, i was afraid id be like this for years. but ty for the advice and comments :)
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby jasmin » Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:32 am

Remember the nice things about him on his birthday and try to spend time with supportive people. I hope you're ok.
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby michellelvis » Mon Sep 13, 2010 12:36 pm

I lost my Grandad 4 years ago.And my best friend died 9 months ago thru liver cancer. It was terrible to watch him deteriate. I am on anti deppresion pills and have a severe drink problem. On top of that I am with someone who I know longer want to be with. My ex wants me back and I want him back.
I feel my life is spinning out of control. Can anyone give me some advice pleeeese
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Re: My Best Friend died

Postby Shades of Mae » Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:33 am

michellelvis wrote:I lost my Grandad 4 years ago.And my best friend died 9 months ago thru liver cancer. It was terrible to watch him deteriate. I am on anti deppresion pills and have a severe drink problem. On top of that I am with someone who I know longer want to be with. My ex wants me back and I want him back.
I feel my life is spinning out of control. Can anyone give me some advice pleeeese




I'd advise you to realize that you only have one shot at this life. By using drugs and alcohol, you are refusing to let yourself heal. You have to stop numbing yourself and feel everything. Peace will come to you.


I know that your friend and your grandpap would want you to take responsibility for your life and get on a positive path. Live in their HONOR. Would you want your best friend to destroy his life after your death? Coming from one who tried to end her own life and has stuggled with addiction as well.....please save yourself....'cause NO ONE else will.


Love you my friend,

Stef :wink:
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