I am so depressed

My Dad passed in Dec 06, my sis has been so awful to me , dealing with His Estate , treating me awful because she is mad that I was given 1/2 in the will of everything my parents owned, it is still in Probate, because a business is involved and she is the executrix of the will because she is the oldest~~~ and she is letting me know nothing at all , and ~~ I could go on and on ~~

Well this is part of what I am depressed about tonight, she my sis has tortured me now for a year n a half since my Dads passing and has become a person I never knew before , but actually when I get real with myself ~~~this trully is who she is and has always been, I have just been in major denial and it is so disturbing to me ~
My sis and her son are all I have left and they hate me because I was given half that I have seen none of in a year and a half, she will NOT allow me to come work in the business and this is all legal as long as we are still in Probate~~~ which we are~~

My sister and her son , that for some sick reason that I love so much , has over them being mad at me for my parents leaving me 1/2, they have destroyed me and leave me out of their lives and have nothing to do with me EVER at all in almost 2 years and we live 15 minutes from one another~~ this has almost been as painful as losing my parents to me , it doesnt even seem real to me ~~ it is like another 2 deaths I am dealing with ~~on top of both my parents being gone~~and literally having no family left~~ and
Me being so depressed and isolating , I have lost most my friends and they dont want to hear about my grief anyway , they say how long has it been , move on, they all dont get it , they all have one parent at least , and most both parents they still have theirs~~

Reason why I am so depressed tonight ~~~ is I have been smoking weed for the last year , now I feel like I am addicted to it, I just did it once at a class reunion last summer and then have been doing it since, at first it was just now and again, but now it is like every night ~~!!!

My life is becoming out of control , but the grief of losing my Dad and then now my sis being as she is to me 24/7 , I cant seem to cope~~~so I use it to literally escape the pain~~

Tonight I am not allowing myself to smoke weed, it is against the law where I live and I do feel scared about that and I am a Christian and I dont feel right about it really at all and have lots of guilt and shame going on right now since feeling like I might realize I have a problem with it, it is hard for me not to do it ~~ I want to , but I am fighting thru the urge tonight to NOT do it and talk myself in to just stopping completely , it trully is ruining my life , I think ~~

I told a friend/really an aquaintance that I went to school with long ago~~ but that I work with now and have worked with for over 15 years , I told her last summer I did it and she knew who I was with when I did it and she told everyone I work with and said she would like to date the guy I smoked weed with but she would NOT date him because he smokes Pot, she told several ppl this tonight when we were all at work and he came to see me , we are in a Salon , some of the ppl do nails and hair, we do hair, and she saw him and she has a crush on him and walked into another gals salon and told everyone in that salon we smoke weed~~

I am so so upset, now everyone I work with knows this ~~ and this gal is almost 50 years old, but she is a talker and I am freaked to the point of suicide tonight and to not smoke when I am this upset is a major miracle , but the night isnt over~~!!!

I dont know where I should even be posting any of this , which forum , I came here , because I am feeling ~~if my Dad hadnt passed away and my sister hadnt done the things she has done , I dont think I would have ever done this ever again in my life, I am sorry for all my ramble, my head is hurting and I feel like throwing up , I am so upset, I have now a reputation of pot head and I am one , I admit , but I am so hurting , and I get enough abuse from my sis not to endure all this gossip about me , also I have felt like I have hurt the Christian name, like I am a hypocrite and I am not , I admit I am a rotten sinner , but ~~

Well this gal just freaked out on me , she is newly divorced and has her own issues and is now attending church and threw the church stuff at me , she just freaked out on me and has told everyone, now I am even more depressed, this could get back to my boss as we all work together~~~

I am not a liar, I really dont know how to lie and this is why I get abused I think as I do , I dont know to keep my mouth shut , but think I have learned after this deal ~~~ some at work are telling me to tell the big mouth gal at work that I have stopped even if I decide not to , but I really dont lie , I am in a mess ~~

I am working to get to this point to stop or not do it as often as it is getting to me , I have only really realized in the last several weeks I might have a serious problem with it ~~!!

I see a councler. he seems to think I have a problem with it and he wants me to stop, but I didnt think I really had a problem til now, it is causing trouble in my whole life, but I cant deal with the pain of my losses , and now with my sis tormenting me for the last year n half, taking advantage of me being a Christian and knowing I will not ever get a lawyer and fight her~~!!!

My parents would be so disgusted with all this~~ I am and I am so angry and mad as she has messed me around so much , I wont bore you with the details, but it has kept me from my grief work about my parents~~!!!

I am a basket case most days and nights, and am making myself physically sick , and making myself an addict to cope, this doesnt even fit my life style, but I guess it does now, I am a burn out , pot head~~!!

I use to work out and take care of myself, I am sorry I am desparate, is anyone awake out here that has some words of wisdom, I am trying not to smoke weed tonight and want to stop , but then I dont , it is the only escape I have from this awful pain~~!!!

I am responsible with it , if there is such a thing, I dont drive and only do it at night ~~ someone please help me , I am sick sick sick , of all this pain~~
Now this friend , is telling everyone I work with that I have been doing this and it is causing troubles in my life, and now at work even with her gossipy mouth , I didnt think it was that big a deal when I told her , but she freaked on me and started preaching at me , because I use to go to church before my Dad passed, but havent since, dont want to right now , but I do read my Bible and pray to the LORD, so it is all I can do just to breathe at all ~~~right now ~~~ I am sorry so long and weird~~Yellowrose9

Heya,

It's really a kick-in-the-teeth when a sibling turns against you, I can imagine. Unfortunately, our society creates such people these days - i.e. people who see money as worth more than compassion for others. Money is king these days, but it is a greedy king. The best thing I can say about that situation is get the legal issues over the estate sorted quickly and then forget about her. Ditch her, metaphorically-speaking, in your mind.

Plus, if you realise that you are spiralling out of control then take the initiative to see a doctor. It doesn't sound like you can handle this on your own; and 'friends' are people you cannot always rely upon for help. You have witnessed that, as have I. Be careful about who you let into your life too... ...some people will have a whole bag of problems that they will try to offload onto you. Others will try to manipulate you and bleed you of everything you're worth.

It's a harsh world - truly - but that's why we become wise so that we can cope with it all better.

Take care,
Kevin.