greiveing and greiving and greiving

i lost my ex husband and best friend this past end of sept. he was buried on my sons 17th birthday. i couldnt go to the funeral and his sister wont send me a prayer card or a decent pic of him like i asked, now i dont have her address anymore so i cannot ask again. we were married in my teens and had a child together, he was my first love but the relationship was abusive and the child was adopted out. we were both addicted to methamphetamines and heroine..him the heroine..it was crazy, i left him when i was 17 before i put my son up for adoption. well we met again over the years and kept tabs on each other but i didnt clean up til about 20 years ago and he didnt clean up til about 12 years ago, well i moved back to philly and tried to live there to be closer to my father and we connected again, ron was dying but was stable and had many years left in him. he had that bad strain of hepititus c i think. his liver was much damaged and he was put on the list for a liver transplant but took himself off saying he didnt deserve it for all the bad stuff he done as a user and to give it to someone more deserving then him. well i moved back to oklahoma after 9 months broken and beaten by a city i grew up in and my father and his new family. but i came back with a friend! while i was there me and ron got to be close again..but this was different. we were both clean and sober for many years and we could talk to each other about anything. we chatted on the phone every nite.. i mean every nite. i talked to him the night before he died and he was talking about him dying and that he was gonna go to hell and i was telling him that all the good things he has done since he went clean will balance out all the bad he did when he was using. his roomate said he was just fine..they were working on the car together and couldnt fix it..so he took it to a diff. friend but when he left ron was just fine. he came back about half hour later and th neighbors said ron was taken to the hospital by ambulance, about 45 min. later the hospital called and said they were lifeflighting him to a diff. hospital. another half hour after that they called and said he died. i miss him soo much i cant deal with the pain, i wanted to die too..sometimes i still do. i cry every day mostly and my doc put me on wellbutrin, i already take lamicktal and geodon and clonipin, i am bipolar and this has send me into a major setback. i was hospitalized for suicidal ideations. i have not been in the hosptial in over 10 years. i cannot get over the fact that hes gone. i wanna call him and i cannot. i dream i am calling him and talking to him but then i wake up and realize hes dead and never coming back and cry some more. my therapist had me write a goodbye letter to him..which i did..but it didnt really help. they said he bled out. i cant help wondering and stressing on the fact that he thought he was gonna go to hell and that he was scared when he died and i wasnt there to give him comfort! i miss him soo much i cant stand it! i wish i could join him but i have a son who needs me for the time being but i have no life.i miss him , i greive every day, i dont wanna forget him but i want the pain to stop, its killin me...please help me

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine what it must be like to lose someone you love so much. You were a good friend to him and I'm sure the talk you two had that night helped him and he wasn't that scared any more.
Please live for your son and to honor your ex husband's memory. You will feel better with time. Maybe visiting his grave site would help, if that is possible.

i live in oklahoma and he was buried in new jersey...my father lives in pa near philadelphia but we are in a personal war and he has disowned me and hes dying also. i was told in no uncertain terms that i was not welcome to his funeral, i wont be informed and i am not his daughter anymore..so i wont be goign back east again so i wont be able to go to his gravesite. it sucks and i am in so much pain my heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest and there is nothing to fill the hole, i miss him so much

((((((((((luvin))))))))))) Your family shouldn't treat you this way. I can't belive they'd do this. It must be painful that you can't go to his grave site. Is there some greef counselling that you can have? Maybe there are support groups or something.
Can you put together some things that remind you of him and mourn him that way? Maybe you can plant a tree or a plant that you like in his memory. I've read about that here.

thanks you jasmine...i appreciate your kind words. i did write a good bye letter but never sealed it so i can read it again after i dont hurt so much to remind me of better times and how it feels to miss someone so much that its a pain that wont go away. right now i am not in a good place to read it or it will trigger me and make me upset. maybe when i get to that good place where i can deal wiht reality and deal with him being gone and not feel this heartwrenching pain i will read it again

Ok, do what you feel comfortable with. I'll still be here to listen and the forum is here. I have a kittie to hold and cheer me up when I feel sad. Do you have pets?

i have a very forceful for attention kitty..sometimes i just wanna toss her across the room, very demading...lmao. i adopted her and shes a pain sometimes...lol. i like ot cook and make jewlry but to start doign my jewlry again i will need like a little over 100 dollars start up money
i can make that back in one nite but i need the beads and stuff to make the money. i got my son but all we do is fight lately and that in itself is tearing me apart! starting to go into empty nest syndrome and hes not even gone yet..having a hard time cutting those apron strings and he dont like it.

Try to give kittie a hug when you're lonely. If you give them some attention for about half an hour, they leave you alone, lol. My kittie sleeps next to me and it helps me a lot Making jewelry and cooking sound like nice hobbies. I hope you can get that money.
I guess that all you've been through lately is making the fear of being alone even worse. Maybe if you talked to your son as an adult and asked him for his support, like you were talking to an old friend, it would help. But remember to pretty much always treat him that way from now on.