im @!@@@! up

when i was 2, my mom poisened me and my little brother. all three of us ate the food .she must have had second thoughts, cause she took us to the hospital.....life went on.
at 7 dad had the old car in the garage, and running doors blocked. i went to get my bike, saw what was happening. got the neighbors, and stopped him.at 11 my mom had a headache, and was cooking cabbage. i hate that smell, so i said something, dont remember what. she thru the food in the trash, and went to bed, 4:00 pm.... she choked on her own vomit, seconal{reds}will do that. dad shipped us off that morning, never to say goodbye to any one. didnt even see him for a few weeks. ididnt try to kill myself, so why do i hate myself so much.
anyway could suicide or attempts to. fall under abandament, to an 11 year old. also could any of this lead to narcissistic personalty disorder?is their a fifteen day waiting period for handguns in arizona?.

Hi,

I don't know the gun laws of Arizona but you don't need a gun. What you need is an outlet to express all of this crap that has happened in your life. i mean, you have mentioned so much there that, I'm sure, the majority of people will never experience in their lives. There is an argument to make that all of this has made you a stronger person though.

I also don't know if all of that could lead to Narcissistic PD. Why do you think you have that disorder?

I hope you reply again - you have been through so much.

Kevin.

thanks,
i read to much,probably a bad idea.

What do you read - Are you referring to novels or to psychological books (or something else)?

Kevin.

i collect first editions.my interests vary,but i have read a lot of psych. books.
that is what i thought, might not be a good idea.all my life i've felt as if somthings not right. since ive always thought i could figure anything out,
i read. my things almost fit, but just a little off. nps is me. as hard as it is to admit. for years it must be the drugs, till i gave them up for months at a time. things changed, but i didnt.

Okay. Just keep going for as long as you can. It might help to dissociate yourself from many things from your past.

thank you, for your interest.

If you want to figure out what's really going on inside, I think you should see a trustworthy therapist... and soon. There is a lot that you can do to make things feel far more bearable by seeing a trained professional. Sometimes, he can shed a new light on something or help you see your past and your perceptions in a different way. And in some cases, there are meds to help you get on solid footing while you sort out your memories and painful past.

You might consider that there is nothing at all wrong with you. Maybe the horrors you suffered as a child made you think these things were your fault, or perhaps someone even told you so. Rubbish and nonsense. What happened (the poisoning, your father's attempted suicide, etc.) was not your fault.

Think on that a bit and keep posting.

first i searched for help here in riverside,ca where ilive.
i'm in construction, so works dead, wallets empty getting help is important, but food i cant even aford. my family including my father live within 3 miles of me. nice big house 3 brothers 3 sisters, due to what they think is nothing more than a drug problem. i got nothing coming there. soon my internet conection will be shut off. rent over due etc.the drug problem they refer to was really an issue in my teens and 20's, im 48 now. for them it's easier to claim thats my problem they fact that i don't get high very often once a week maybe. drugs cost money, i would love to hide in a cloud of dope but i cant. so i read and learn as much as possible, think and put pieces of the puzzle together.
yesterday, after driving past my fathers house 4 times. i called him to tell him of my disccoveries, i rehearsed what iwanted to say. that didn't happen. best i could do was send him 2 files we'll see if he even reads them. i dont know what i expect to happen, almost guarenteed disapointment the nps in me just want approval im pathetic.

Hi,

I don't know if these words will help you but I hope that they will: It might help your situation right now if you lower your expectations for your life. If you expect too much of yourself, you may become overwhelmed and not feel up to doing anything. I fear that will happen to you. Thus, I feel that you should just take one day at a time - as they say - and not take too much on board. Right now, you certainly don't need any more things entering your life that will stress you more.

Ultimately, what I'm saying here is that you should break / sever links to things that you don't need. That includes people.

kevin.