im @!@@@! up

yesterday, after driving past my fathers house 4 times. i called him to tell him of my disccoveries, i rehearsed what iwanted to say. that didn't happen. best i could do was send him 2 files we'll see if he even reads them. i dont know what i expect to happen, almost guarenteed disapointment the nps in me just want approval im pathetic.

yea i can relate to that, i was a major crankster gangster when i was younger, i have been clean for over 20 years now but my father still treats me like i have never changed. he refuses to see that i have raised a good kid for a son...not the best but hes still a good kid. he even goes as far as to badmouth my son cause hes mine and thats the only grandchild he will ever have too. our fighting has cause me much pain and after this last fight around christmas we have not spoken nor do i want to and if anyone is gonna call anyone its gonna be him calling me...and appologizing..which wont happen so it his loss not mine. my dad is drying of heart and diabetes related complications and gets worse and worse with being hatefull and nasty as his time shortens, i have taken abuse from him for years now hes trying to dish it out to my son and my half sister who is 19 and his daughter with the stepmonster. i wont stand for it. we got our number changed and dad dont know it but my half sister does. in a sick way i want him to get the guilts and try to call and apologize and find out thats not my number anymore and no forwarding number. i want him to hurt for hurting me and my son and my sister. but mostly i want him to hurt for hurting me all my life. he says i have been his most dissapointment in his life but to me he is so i guess we are even? trust me..i was a daddys girl even thru all the years of abuse..until my little sis was born..and after to some degree but i cut ties with him and am now disowned and never been a part of his family and now i am not allowed to come to his funeral and wont be informed til its over so i cannot come. that is HIS choice to be like that, not mine, i love my dad but i cannot be around him anymore...its unhealthy for me and for my son. i hope alyssa gets out soon too! leave them 2...my dad and stepmonster to themselves and let them die alone like they want. sorry for the rant ..your statement kinda triggered me and i wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling like that about family. sometimes you gotta know when to cut the cords. good luck on that..i hope it works out of ya


OH YEA....I AM NOT PATHETIC AND EITHER ARE YOU..THEY JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES..ITS TRUE!!!

thanks, responses here helped.
they say, knowledge is power. i've always believed it, this last 2 weeks i've found knowledge i wish i hadn't. so many things make sense.
but i'm left empty, im not evan real. i finally figure things out, but i've ran everyone in my life away, theirs nobody left.

well then you have to make a new family from your friends, i will be the first to step up as a sister if you would like...like i said before....you are not alone here!

There is good to be got from everything, naykidd. You might not be able to see it yet, but it is there waiting for you to take it.

i'm learning alot, here and reading everything. that's the way i've always been, i think i'll stay with it. even my reading constantly, just a little of this and that.that type of need for knowledge. kept turning up as i was reading about NPD. and it is true i catch myself, on the net. im all over the place. and almost constantly my thoughts are focus on wich people little things i see ,i can impress with. they run like little acts in a play, with my charactor impressing some person or another.way out, i've always been that way. i just assumed that was my conchance
one of my many questions, was that really. maybe you can help?.
all my life, in my work, im a great carpenter, 3rd generation i know big deal. just had to be the best. maybe my strongest ability is i can think everything thru, spot the problems before they happen, the bosses loved me ,as long i show up. in everyday matters, same thing. and i thought that ment smart...and this is my question. all of that is done with those voices/thoughts whatever, walking me thru it. as me the lead actor.
not normal? ether people don't think that way? with mine, the other participtants always respond favorably. well this hard to explain correctly. little 1-5 second videos kind of. sometimes full blown epic daydreams. and of coures the longer verisions approval, maybe just enough confedence to , in real life pull it off.... sorry, now i sound crazy.

it's cool that...not only that am i telling someone these thing. but that ,i think they they'll answer.......................................................................

I love your name first of all ! lol.

I have to agree with Chucky. I've learned first hand about lowering expectations. It's like you kind of have to take a step back from being an over-acheiver.

All my life I have struggled with the notion of making my parents proud of me. I was changing jobs left and right because I didn't think it would make me look responsible, appealing, etc.

Not only did I waste my life, I gained a healthy wonderful dose of Anxiety/Depression/Panic/More depression.

I am afraid to die. I would never kill myself. Why? Why would I want to go on living this way? Because I know I can handle it even when it's the toughest. I get through it somehow. On the outside I have to hide it in public so that I can have a job, on the inside I'm a wreck. I need to get to therapy.

What your parents did was wrong. You know it. You know that it has affected you. I never realized how much my parents divorce and fighting, etc. affected me. Never realized how it changed my thought process about life, because it happened slowely and over a course of ten years. So the upside is that you know it. That's like the first step. I always thought that saying "You are in denial" was soooo cheesy. But I realize the actual importance of really knowing and accepting things.

It's ok to set boundries for yourself. Don't overwork. Find peace. Find something that gives you peace. My bathtub is like this haven of pure bliss. My boyfriend thinks I'm nuts and that I waste water but he just doesn't understand what it does for me and I do it regardless of what he says.

Have I thought about death? Yes. It scares me to think about it, and I use to be so careless with my thoughts. I would think about killing myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of those things. Even when the feelings and sensations of panic are overwhelming.

Please keep posting here. I am probably the biggest NERD on this site because I'm on here so much and my posts are like BOOKS. I do it anyway though because I have a lot to say that needs to get out. I don't care how inane it sounds or how annoying I am. Well I do care a little about that. I still do it though.

Thank God for this forum. Thank God. Thank God. I can't express it enough.

Find peace my good friend.
P.S. I am actually in Oceanside! Riverside is just up the road practically. Well a couple hours but still hehe.