Stem of what made me hate me!

Me and my brothers got seperated from each other in like 2001 or 2002. My life hasn't been the same since. My brothers accepted me as their sister and loved me, even when I did wrong. My brothers and I have lived a life with barely any light of happiness or hope but it was easier to deal with when we had each other. When we were scared, we'd stay close together to keep us all safe. I have so much love for my brothers and I hurt so bad inside and I hate me for leaving them. If nothing in the world could make me happy, my brothers would. I dont talk about my brothers much cuz it hurts. I felt whole when my brothers were with me. I miss their hugs, their jokes, and the annoying things they did...I just wish I had my brothers back. Late last night, my aunt and uncle were fighting so I took my baby cousin in my room, turned on some soft music, and he was soon asleep with him hand clinging around my waste as I layed next to him. Everytime he would feel me move, he would cry with his eyes shut and not let go of me. It made me think of my youngest brother while he would cry himself to sleep with my arm around him. I was basically being a mom to my brothers, especially to my youngest one. I feel like I failed my brothers. I couldn't protect them cuz I wasn't strong enough. I bailed out on them. It hurts and Im angry at me for doing that. Its my fault I lost contact with my brothers. When they needed me the most, I left, just like all the other people in our lives. I didn't protect my youngest brother from being hit! I just stood there and cried while hypervenalating! As blood ran down his face from hitting his nose on the fireplace, as he was curled up on the floor being yelled at, I just stood there!!!! What kind of mother/sister would let that happen?! Im bound and determined to be a better mother/cousin for Leno. I will NOT do to him as I did to my brothers! I will NOT leave when times get too tough!! I will do ANYTHING in my power to protect this child and any other children who come my way!!

IM NOT A QUITTER

IM A FIGHTER!!!

Dear Lost Soul,
As I understand the scenario of becoming separated from your brothers, you also were a minor, without any power to prevent the separation. Also, you sound like you were too young yourself to prevent the abuse of your younger brother. Who was hitting and yelling at him? Was this a person much bigger and stronger than you?
Is there any way you could find your brothers now? Have you talked to the agencies that were involved with the breakup of your family?
There is nothing to be gained from hating yourself over this. These things were beyond your control, with adults calling the shots.
You may be able to renew contact with your brothers; its worth a try, anyway.

Thanks for replying...I didn't think I was going to get a response. My dad would hit him in front of me and I didn't do anything about it. Yes, he was stronger than me but I should've tried to do SOMETHING. No, I've tried finding my brothers but there not listed. For all I know, they could've got adopted so their last name might have changed. No, I hate CPS and I wish to NEVER talk to them again. I know they were trying to help but they took my brothers away from me.

Thanks again for writing me back. I guess it must not be that big of a deal to others...but it means a lot to me...

Hi, Lost Soul,
Contact the Red Cross for assistance in finding your brothers.
Here is a link which validates the importance of your feelings. My Internet connection is being poopy, so I'll add to this post more resources soon after I get it fixed.
http://www.adoptionsupport.org/pub/docs ... yright.pdf
http://www.findinginflorida.org/fif-bir ... ration.asp
http://www.nysccc.org/Siblings/sibties.htm
I know you hate the CPS but this agency would probably still be your most valuable resource for finding your kin.

Lost Soul I can sure relate to your story. From what I gather you were a minor when this abuse by your father happenned. You were stuck in an unfortunate, terrible dysfunctional home. Even if you weren't hit yourself, you were a victim as well, being a minor and living in such a situation. Your brothers probably don't blame you at all for anything and would probably be very happy to hear from you.

When I was a teenager I lived in a situation in which my mother was badly abusing drugs in front of my little brother and me. I could have done something to get her help and end the situation that we were living in (severely dysfunctional). I could have told the social workers who were investigating us what was going on, etc. My brother was only 4 and 5 at the time and totally helpless. He looked up to me and loved me so much. Instead of doing something to help in I did everything I could to lie for my mother, cover up her addiction and therefore continue the dangerous situation we were living in. I took out my anger and frustrations on my poor innocent little brother by yelling at him, pushing him around, etc. Everything except what I should have been doing to help him. At any rate he was lucky enough to eventually be adopted by a loving family who could give him the love and care he deserved. After fighting to win visitation with him, as the years past I saw how we grew apart. I finally decided it was best if I didn't contact him anymore and left him alone. It has now been over 12 years since I've seen him. He is now an adult and I stick to my vow of not contacting him unless he contacts me first. It doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him and think of him everyday. I know the logic of what we went through, but it still doesn't make me stop feeling guilty and wishing I handled things differently.

There is no reason to hate yourself. You have to find a way to let go of the past and forgive yourself. The longer you wait to find your brothers the harder it will be. I really hope things work out for you. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to contact me.

Lost Soul wrote:

Thanks again for writing me back. I guess it must not be that big of a deal to others...but it means a lot to me...

You are worth answering your post and it does not matter if someone else thinks something about you is unimportant. Tell them to hey bite me!!

Thats their loss, not your problem.

Blessing and Understanding to you.

Yes, I was a minor and am still considered a minor but I think Ive grown a lot thru the years. Sorry about what you went through Screwed_up. It's hard to move on when the past is invading my present.

Lost Soul wrote:Yes, I was a minor and am still considered a minor but I think Ive grown a lot thru the years. Sorry about what you went through Screwed_up. It's hard to move on when the past is invading my present.

I know what it's like to be haunted by the past, but it can only haunt you and invade the present as much as you let it.

its so hard but Im trying to stand up for myself now. Which is why I haven't been here...

Soul, I'm very sorry about this situation with your brothers. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. What's been going on?