Grief & Dark Moods

Hello everyone,
Just joined today and am happy to be here. I’m going through a very rough patch right now with depression (I’m bipolar,) and I seem to be grieving a number of people I’ve lost from suicide. I’ve lost 5 very close friends to suicide and my loss is deep, dark and threatening like summer storms can be.

The other day, I became full of rage over something quite banal. I haven’t done that in years! But I did do it just a few days ago. My violence on an unsuspecting kitchen faucet, I bent it towards the ceiling and then quickly back again because I was mortified with my own behavior!

The rage quickly passed and morphed into a deep depression that I can’ t seem to crawl out of, at least not yet! I can’t stop thinking about the last person who died. She was such a wonderful person that I cannot believe why God would have taken her! Why can’t He leave the good ones alone, damn-it!!! She was so loving and kind and compassionate. [I know that a lot of you can probably relate to this!]

So here I sit, tears running down my face, and I ask you: What can I do to stop these negative and painful thoughts from consuming my life right now? I’m open to suggestions. Thanks for listening. darkmood.

Dear darkmood,
Losing loved ones is hard enough, but having suicide enter the equation compounds the misery exponentially.
With suicide, it is natural to become very angry that you where unable to help your friends; like, Here I am, why didn't you come talk to me?!?
It's like they were blind and didn't see your love for them. It's like a kind of rejection. They were not only rejecting their own lives, they awere rejecting all the love you had for them. Suicide is so frustrating for the people left behind.
Take good care of yourself now. If you have a meds program to manage your bipolar, continue with it. Come talk to us. Be patient with your feelings. It's natural and okay to experience these feelings of intense grief and rage and depression. Time will mitigate the intensity ( an old saw, but so true).

darkmood,

I am sorry that your grief has grown to such proportions. Sometimes we ignore it, thinking that it has "gone away" only to find it manifesting itself in the most unpleasant ways.

I have never dealt with the loss of someone to suicide, but Puma's words have great worth on this aspect of grief. I grieve over daughter who hasn't died but self-destructing, and a father I never knew. Sometimes the anger is physical rage; sometimes it is depression. I seek answers where there are none and sometimes it eats me away from the inside until I accept the fact that life is not always fair, logical, or easy.

I hope you find a way to overcome your loss. Talking or writing about it often helps me.

N.

Thanks much everyone! Your words helped to calm me down a bit and take on a new perspective regarding my grieving process, thanks! I’ll keep posting. darkmood