Is it wrong that I don't miss my father?

I apologize if I am being insensitive by posting this in the grief and loss forum, since some of you are truly missing your loved ones.

This July will mark the first anniversary of my father's death. My dad seemed to be well liked by most people who knew him. There were a lot of people at his funeral that said what a great and funny guy he was. He had a great relationship with my brother and got along fine with my sister. The problem was that my dad hated me, and I am sorry to admit, the feeling was mutual. Due to various circumstances that I will discuss on another board, I was 39 years old and still living with my parents at the time of my father's death--a fact that humiliated me and that he never let me forget. As a child, my father would become enraged often and hit me with a belt or slap me across the face. I know it was common back then for children to be spanked in that way, but for me, it was very traumatic. He usually punished me either because he was arguing with my mother (who was equally horrible) and took it on me, or because he was so frustrated with my peculiarities and didn't know what to do with me. There were certain things that I would not do (not out of defiance but because of extreme shyness), such as answering the phone, singing/participating in the church service, saying hello to people, eating certain
foods (usually because of texture), etc., that infuriated him to no end. As an adult, he was verbally abusive and made it a point of letting me know often what a loser and disappointment I was---not to mention a few other choice names. A couple of months before his death, he told me as I was leaving the house that he hoped I would get run over by a semi truck.

Ironically, I was the only one of my siblings at my father's bedside as he took his last breaths. At that moment, my only feelings were relief that I no longer had to deal with him, and extreme anxiety and awkwardness. I did not know how to act as relatives and family friends began filing into the room, crying and hugging each other. I don't know how to give comfort and receive hugs (hate being touched), and extreme displays of emotion make me very uncomfortable, especially when they all expect me to do the same.

So, as I stated, it has been almost one year, and I have been reflecting a lot on his death. I have been having a dream where my father did not die and he comes home from the hospital. In my dream, I am disappointed, and I am relieved when I wake up and realize he is still dead. So, I can't say that I miss him, but I do grieve for the father that I wish I could have had. I always wanted a father that was kind, was proud of me, cared about me, and accepted me for who I am.

I think you're being very hard on yourself and the last thing you should feel is guilt. If you're father has made you feel small and hurt you, then it is perfectly natural that you would feel relief that he can't do that any more. It's also true that you may grieve for a long time and feelings of guilt and anger can get in the way of the grieving process.
I feel like I can relate, a little...I lost my mother in March this year after she had been ill for sometime. I also had bad childhood experiences, she was never physically abusive or particularly threatening but had told me (not my siblings) that she was going to leave, had left me in public places and driven away when I was very young, things like that. I often felt that there was something wrong with me and if I could always be lovely and nice then she would have to love me so always tried really hard to make her proud. I don't think she was a bad person, just never really wanted kids and I was the clingy one that spoiled her fun.
It's hard when everyone expects you to feel something you don't, it feels like they have no idea who you are and can't support you with what you're feeling. I think it's good you posted here, and not at all insensitive. I think even though you don't miss your father, you we're with him in his dying moments, you seem to have wanted more from him as a parent, and now he's gone you could feel grief for a long time. I had a lot of loss this year, I lost an auntie and also had a miscarriage. I couldn't really share my feelings with anyone, I was really angry. I've found it's helped me to just scribble down everything I've been thinking and feeling (out of the ordinary) every day or two.
You say your father had reasons for hating you? I don't know if you want to share on this forum but I can't think of a good reason for a father to hate his child. I think you've had a really rough time a and it's no wonder you feel the way you do.

You are not alone. I feel the same way about my mother, who died a few years ago.

We never really had the typical mother/daughter relationship, she wasn't abusive, but she wasn't a very responsible parent and neglected us. I liked her when I was a kid, in a friend way, because she wasn't like my friends stricter parents, I stayed up later, didn't get grounded, didn't do chores, watched movies and TV shows that my friends parents didn't let them watch etc. I didn't particularly trust her with my problems or seek her out when I needed comforting though.

As I got older, we drifted apart, I stopped seeing how cool it was to have a mother who treated us as a same aged friend and began to wish for a more responsible adult role model. She was still close with my sister though, and my sister was a bully. Our mother would take her side in every argument and let her get away with everything. As more siblings were born, the neglect got worse. Even though we lived in the same house, we were not close in the slightest, I didn't want anything to do with her and blamed her a lot for any of the problems my siblings had. The only actual reason I stayed was that my youngest few siblings still lived at home, I did a lot of caring for them, and felt more like they were my own at times. I thought that if I left, who would care for my siblings?

I think I cried twice. The day she died, and at her funeral. I was more annoyed by all our relatives and neighbours showing sympathy and coming over, because I wanted to be left to do my own thing, and felt awkward with everyone's emotions and people expecting me to be really upset. I hated it when people said she was looking down at me from heaven and probably so proud, because I felt the idea of her with me in spirit was ruining my freedom-I worried she was judging me and my actions from heaven, until I decided I definitely didn't believe in an afterlife and let that go (although I do feel anxious about that at times still).

I feel free to do what I want, within reason, just little things like invite friends over and be open about having the complete opposite beliefs to her without feeling judged. I got what I wanted-to move out and live my life, without worrying about how my siblings would get on without me, because they are here, with me, and I am growing them up to be better people than the older bunch of siblings are, with all the things I never got as a child.

What I did miss, is the same thing I missed for my entire life. I only realised it as such though because I thought that maybe I might be starting to grieve, having feelings of wanting a mother, but my whole life I had been attempting to fill the void with teachers, and as I got older, people on internet chat rooms. What I did miss, is having a relationship like some of my friends have with their mothers, even though when we were growing up, they complained how strict theirs were compared to mine. I felt I was missing something, when I see Facebook posts about Mothers Day, about mother/daughter relationships, about mothers up in heaven. Now I don't even feel that, because I made friends with a kind woman with a daughter my age, who pretty much treats me like an extra daughter.

I do feel a bit left out amongst family though-they all have a very rose tinted view of what our mother and her parenting was like. Im the only sibling who sees a problem with it.

Hiya, Tabby. I don't fault you for it - not one bit.

No dear. You are not alone. I am a Muslim and in our religion, parents are everything for a person. I will tell you my story. My father was good with us till I became a teen ager. After that, I became a bit weak in studies. He started to abuse me verbally everytime my result was announced. I was an intelligent student from the beginning. Then he started to abuse my mother verbally in front of us we were 3 siblings. He literally used to abuse her with wrong words for going to her parents house. I was literally tired. I was in university 1st year at that time. He did not have any good relations with his and my mother's siblings. I started to find comfort in my one cousin. I started to love him and then he fell in love with another girl. I was depressed and ended up failing my first year exams due to all this tension and abuse . I started to do wrong things too like exchanging my results with my friend in order to escape my verbal abuse. My father caught me. I confronted him that why was he abusive towards my mother. He literally started to hate me after that. He became much more abusive and started to comment on my tanned skin in summer too. I started studying hard again from second year of university and he became better. But I could never form a fatherly relationship with him again like before. I talked to him respectfully but I had hatred in my heart. He did not do a job properly etc that's why he was making us study so that we could help him after studying. He used to make us realise that he was doing a favour on me by spending money on my studies. After graduation,I started finding a job immediately and settled for a low grade internship. I faced harrassment also. I got a low grade job and I accepted that despite its toxicity and tough schedule as my father told me to support him as our financial condition was bad. I kept working. My father used to take all my salary first and gave me a bare minimum. I started lieng to him about salary as I always wanted good clothes and good food and I could never get that from my father. My father was sick for 9 days only and died only on 10th day. I kept serving him for those 9 days as i was on my annual leaves. He could not speak much in those days. His death was unexpected. He died in a hospital in front of my eyes. I was in shock and could not accept his death. He was happy with us all. I felt grief, guilt, shock all. I realised that I still loved him after all those atrocities. I still feel jealous whenever someone discusses how he/she had a very loving relationship with his father. Am I wrong for feeling guilty for not making a fatherly relationship with him before his death?

I don't think you're wrong for feeling guilty, Fati32, but I don't know that you must feel guilty, if that makes any sense. I think it's a natural thing to at least want to feel fealty to one's parents, if you're a decent person, which I think that you are. But he was what he was, and that's not your fault.

But I think it's within the realm of 'normal' for you to feel guilt. I also think it is perfectly acceptable if you didn't. While I place a lot of importance on fealty to parents, also parents sometimes don't deserve it. I've known people who got far more love from their children than they ever deserved, but it's also I think hard wired into us to love our parents or at least want to love them. If that makes any sense.

Hey, I just want to say—you're not wrong for feeling this way. Not at all. You lost something, but it wasn’t a loving father—it was the chance at having one. And that’s a real loss. You’re grieving the version of him that never existed, the relationship you should’ve had. That’s valid, and it makes sense. There’s no rule that says you have to miss someone just because they were family. The way he treated you sounds deeply painful, and you’re not obligated to force feelings that aren’t there.

If anything, it’s okay to feel relief. You’re free from the constant judgment, the hurt, the weight of never being enough in his eyes. That doesn’t mean you don’t have healing to do, though. Maybe instead of focusing on how you should feel, you could focus on what you need now. Maybe that means working through the damage he left, maybe it means letting yourself move on without guilt. Either way, you deserve peace, and I hope you find it.