help comforting mom and great-aunt with grandma's death

Last night, I got a call that my grandma died. However, I don't feel sad or anything. She's had Parkinson's for quite some time, and was told she had less than a year a while ago, so it was not surprising at all. She died in her sleep, peacefully, which is good. The timing is also good- she lived at a nursing home near my aunt, and my mom was visiting this week, so she got to see her one last time, and pretty soon she would have needed feeding tubes and things which she definitely dreaded happening to her. Also, I didn't see her very often, so it doesn't have as much impact. My other grandma, who is the one who called me, shares the same opinion and neutral feelings on this.

My mom and dad are still at my aunt's place until at least friday, and I know my mom is going to be super upset about it, since she was close to my grandma, and want to talk to me about it. She won't have the same neutral feeling. She'll expect me to be very upset as well, yet I'm not. I don't want to seem cold or anything, or upset her more, so what should I do about that? How should I act to comfort her? Should I fake being upset? Or explain that I'm not? I mean, she's my grandma, people are expected to be upset when their grandma dies. What can I do to best help mom get through this?

Then, there's my great-aunt- my grandma's sister- who will also be hurting over this. I want to reach out to her and comfort her, but have no clue how. She has suffered from mental illnesses such as depression and has attempted suicide before, so I want to make sure she is okay, yet again have no clue how to. I'm especially worried because my grandma was her last living sibling and her son's family lives in New Zealand (we're in the US), so she doesn't have any immediate family around and her neices and nephews (my mom and aunt and uncles) will all be focused on their own families, so I'm worried she'll be left alone, making her sadder. How should I go about helping her with this?

Secret_Cat wrote:I know my mom is going to be super upset about it, since she was close to my grandma, and want to talk to me about it. She won't have the same neutral feeling. She'll expect me to be very upset as well, yet I'm not. I don't want to seem cold or anything, or upset her more, so what should I do about that? How should I act to comfort her? Should I fake being upset? Or explain that I'm not?

I don't think faking is good. It takes a lot of energy. And this is just my privacy fetish. But I wouldn't explain that I wasn't feeling that way either. Because that could be a little like adding "insult to injury." Possibly useful words might be "shock" or "numb"? Both stretch the truth a little. But explain being emotionally neutral. Without risking a negative reaction. Since you say that she'll be super upset. I think that she won't perhaps notice too much overall. So a very simple explanation, if she asks, might well be enough.

I mean, she's my grandma, people are expected to be upset when their grandma dies.

I know what you mean. But I think it's a crap expectation. The amount of upset depends on the closeness of the relationship. The manner of passing. Perhaps how we're feeling in our own lives. And so on.

What can I do to best help mom get through this?

You could perhaps take a lead from her. If she wants to tell stories, then listen. If she's blaming herself for something. Listen and gently challenge. She might get super organised and throw all her grief into arranging the funeral. Or tidying the house. And supporting as best you can there is good.

Then, there's my great-aunt- my grandma's sister- who will also be hurting over this.

Well, that could be a good thing to discuss with your mother. If you're not sure what else to talk about. I think again, the listening is important. She might be in a very different place overall. Since she's at a different point in her life. She might also have some ideas for helping your mother, if you again run out of other things to say. Since she's lost both her parents. And might get some comfort from reminiscing about when they were all alive. [I might be wrong on that too. Sometimes people get maudlin about all the things that have been lost. Difficult balance.] If you think she's up to it. Then possibly being quite direct about it might help. It gives her a chance to express how she's feeling. Which might be lonely or anxious. Or she might appreciate the chance to reassure you that she has her own friends and life. Or some mid ground. Being able to talk to someone who isn't freaking out may be the biggest thing you can offer.

Mostly, I think it's important to look after yourself in this. Each person needs to come to their own peace with death. It may take some time, perhaps years. And the grief may come and go. Or change. That's all "normal." There isn't a perfect approach to this. Things that "go wrong" may be more helpful than everything being smooth. It's more bonding as a family. And more reassuring that life goes messily on.