Extreme loss, please help.

Greetings,

Well, this is the first place I've expressed this other than my notebook, because I don't know who to talk to, or what to do.

Long story short, I was a missionary in Asia, and I lost my faith. I've always been extremely strong in my faith, but through a freak combination of wrong place, wrong time, wrong surroundings, and wrong everything, this happened. I had previous slight anxiety, which grew and caused my thoughts to start repeating themselves, and I just happened to be reading a book dealing with the 8 hardest questions a Christian can be asked. I must have attached fear to these thoughts/doubts, and instead of dismissing them I was drawn closer to them because I feared them too much. This in combination with anxiety, a very bad/dirty/polluted/hectic/overcrowded environment, caused me to have suicidal thoughts. I thought I was going to have a panic attack in the street and die. I had lost my faith. I started having homicidal thoughts about my parents. This must be contributed to extreme guilt. I obviously had some extreme depression during that time as well. Let me state firmly, that I would never harm myself or anyone else. Never. I quickly within a period of a week said goodbye to everyone there. My great job. Never said goodbye to my amazing cute 4 yr. old students who I was teaching English. And figured out a way to get home, across the world.

Thankfully I made it home without having a panic attack. My suicidal and homicidal thoughts continued to some extent while home, but have mostly gone away (or been pushed into my subconscious...?). On the long flight home my thoughts and feelings basically disappeared. I have not felt normal in 7 months. No joy, no feelings of love, nothing. Just unimaginable sadness and extreme crying once I realize what happened. My parents are depressed because I'm depressed, and I can't share this with anyone because everyone I know is Christian. My head is heavy and feels pressure. Same with my chest, very tense.

I had some stupid thoughts about reality a few weeks ago. Currently, I make extreme facial expressions of pain and sadness occasionally during the day, a lot of the day I have no thoughts at all, and I have no clue what to do. Hopeless. Who do I talk to? How can this be fixed? Any advice welcomed. I want my faith back more than anything. 7 months ago I was travelling the world in complete and utter joy. What do I do? Who am I supposed to talk to? I don't know what I believe anymore, how could there be a God, but how could there not be a God.

I have no clue where to post this, I figured 'grief and loss forum,' sorry if this doesn't fit but I don't know where to post. Thanks.

Hi

SOunds like you are having a really really difficult time.

I am a christian but have had a lot of issues with my faith including totally disregarding it in the past for many years. I also pretended I had faith I didnt (I come from a religious/missionary/vicar family and ppl expected me to be a christian and it was easier to pretend and say the right things). I found my faith again about 6 years ago when I was mentally in a very difficult place - but anyhow I am not here to give my testimony. I just wanted to say I do understand a bit about faith coming and going. And when it goes it can go quickly.

I think you posting in Grief & Loss is entirely appropriate as this is like a death for you I would imagine and I think it is OK to treat it as such.

I dont know whether you want your faith back or whether you want to know how to adjust to how you feel now. Plus whether you have totally lost your faith and belief in God or whether it is more a case of not feeling that God is quite the answer you thought he was (which I think can be a normal part of the christian journey). These are probably things to think about.

I have a couple of suggestions. I suspect that you could do with seeing a Dr about how you are feeling not normal atm in case there is anything going on that needs addressing eg from a mood pov. It might also be worth mentioning to them what happened here with being a missionary then suddenly losing your faith as this might be significant from a clinical pov. The other thing you might want to consider is talking to a faith leader of some sort- does not have to be a vicar, who is wise and who you trust. Someone who is not going to shove religion down your throat but who will listen to you. My vicar was amazing with this and not pushy at all - really helped me.

In the end you might not recover your faith but even if you dont I think that you should be able to have a better life than you are atm. I think that it is important you seek some help.

Might also be worth reading up on the stages of grief and healing from grief.

I hope this helps at least some

Cracked

I think you're being extremely hard on yourself.
You jumped into a situation and, being a person who was already dealing with anxiety; you had a panic attack without resources to turn to.
Sometimes we put ourselves into situations we are not able to deal with; this isn't a crime and you aren't a failure.
We all make mistakes.
Forgive yourself and take some time to enjoy life - you don't have to be perfect.

Hi,

Don't know if it's helpful or not but I also lost my faith (Jewish, but similar thing). It was a few years ago and it really came as a shock. Monday I was keeping kosher, and Tuesday I had a complete philosophical meltdown. I just woke up thinking, "Wow, if there's a G-d, He better beg humanity's forgiveness."

I spoke to my rabbi, to my parents and read extensively. I suppose the solace I can offer you is that you may never regain your faith (I haven't), but that doesn't mean the world needs to be a darker place. I don't even think you necessarily need to leave your church, if it offers you a sense of community and a support network it can still be a valuable source of hope.

Ultimately, you can still be a good person and live an enriching life without faith.

The good news about this issue in particular that you're having, since you had a healthy brain before this and since the loss is something that is entirely contrived within your own mind, you are a prime, PERFECT candidate for professional counseling and getting some talk therapy. I really, REALLY believe this can help you find your zest for life again in the most profound way. The possibilities for someone like you are endless. You just really need to call someone. Please realize there is so much out there, so much joy and hope for you to still spread throughout the world whether it's with God at your side or by your own heart, love and compassion for humanity.

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your thoughts and support. I really appreciate it. Recently, the past 3 or so weeks, I've had a lot of time (since I'm basically unemployed) to think. Thoughts too deep, but things that are very real, and there can only be one truth. (Sorry this will briefly be philosophical). I don't believe the entire universe could have spontaneously, randomly, started expanding very fast (FROM NOTHING) without something beyond space and time sparking it. I also don't believe that all the ingredients and laws of nature could be randomly present in that singularity.

I also don't believe that a thinking, feeling, crying, laughing human being could ever evolve, given any amount of time. Some mysteries of evolution to consider: 1. No one knows, or has a reasonable theory, to how/why intelligence and consciousness evolved. 2. Transitional species. There is no evidence, that a ape could evolve into a human, or that a land mammal could evolve into a bird. The transitional species would have not survived considering that flying is either an 'all or nothing' trait. Natural selection is true, that a species 'evolves' to some extent to adapt, BUT the creation of NEW genetics and DNA required in macro evolution has never been proven or shown in the fossil record or by experimentation. 3. Walking upright. It is not really an evolutionary advantage, considering it slows you down. 4. Migration out of Africa. Why would our 'ape ancestors' have ever left Africa to spread across the world? NOT beneficial for society, very risky, and from an evolution standpoint, completely irrational. The Biblical story of the Tower of Babel would be a reasonable answer to the population spreading across the world.

Lastly, Jesus. There's no way, that such an amazing, life fulfilling event, spanning the coarse of 3,500 years, could randomly just come together by any reason, whether political, etc... The evidence for the existence of Jesus as a real person, spans Biblical records (which are more than any ancient person or event to have ever existed) and non-Biblical records of the day. For example, there are (in the public records of the day) historians who recorded an eclipse of the sun at the same exact time that Jesus was crucified. Matching the Biblical event of 'darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour (3pm).' (Mark 15:33). The list could go on.

Now, for my faith. The last 7 months have been a living hell. During that time, and the last 2 months here at home, it's been so awful. I don't remember the feeling of happiness. How/why would a loving God allow for such a thing to happen? My loss of faith had been evidence to me that no God exists. But now, I am coming to see the opposite. How could I lose my faith, unless God, and the devil, existed? What is faith? Random synapses and energy bouncing around tissue? Is that all we are, tissue, bones, blood? I don't think so. Now what about world religions? Well, if God is real, and you look at all the religions of the world of all time, only one sticks out. Only one has unbelievable evidence. Only one has a beginning, middle, and end. Christianity. Jesus must be the way, the truth, and the life.

I'm going to start sharing more with my parents, they seem pretty depressed, which tears me appart inside. I haven't shared really anything, because I've been SO confused, depressed, and lost. I feel like I could cry forever. But, life is SO amazing. The fact that we are HERE, is a miracle. I will get help and counselling, I need it. I just want to feel happiness again. I can't believe this all happened. But it must be happening for a reason.

Hi i need to find a place to spill my guts i have alot of things bottled up inside and i have noone to talk to about them friends don't understand and family defenetly donot ... so here i go over the weekend i attended a party for my father who turned 80 ..u see my fmily and i donot have a good relationship my family hates me because i was molested when i was 9 by my father and.physicaly, emotionally, and spiritally abused by my mother who blames me for the abuse by her and my father...my mother convinced the rest of the family to accept me as worthless and a fool...and i feel that way about myself when i am around them so i try to avoid being around them...i feel that they donot see me as a victim but an embarrasment..i love my brothers and sisters and i am learning to forgive my parents but they make me feel like i am beneath them at that party that is exactly how i felt i left feeling ashamed and like i am a loser everyone in the family know i was molested but i.know they hate me and is ashamed of me

Anna Smith wrote:Hi i need to find a place to spill my guts i have alot of things bottled up inside and i have noone to talk to about them friends don't understand and family defenetly donot ... so here i go over the weekend i attended a party for my father who turned 80 ..u see my fmily and i donot have a good relationship my family hates me because i was molested when i was 9 by my father and.physicaly, emotionally, and spiritally abused by my mother who blames me for the abuse by her and my father...my mother convinced the rest of the family to accept me as worthless and a fool...and i feel that way about myself when i am around them so i try to avoid being around them...i feel that they donot see me as a victim but an embarrasment..i love my brothers and sisters and i am learning to forgive my parents but they make me feel like i am beneath them at that party that is exactly how i felt i left feeling ashamed and like i am a loser everyone in the family know i was molested but i.know they hate me and is ashamed of me

You need to seek professional help, Anna. Once you have a professional to talk to, about all that, you will feel better really soon

Dark Night of The Soul. Look it up. It should help you.

Hi PsychforumsBWD,
If faith is based on emotions then it surely will fade away easily; also if faith is based on reason then we will have no answers to many questions including our existence. It's good you have come to this community to share your struggles. I believe everyone here can give a piece of help and you will eventually overcome all these negative thoughts and feelings.
I have offered prayers for you and I believe God will restore to you what has been stolen from you through those years in the mission field.
Hugs,
Rakz