losing all of my family

I recently lost my Mom in the middle of October from Cancer and lost my father in 2009 after a motorcycle crash and grandmother in 2009, grandfather in 2002 of cancer, a great friend of mine in 2009 of cancer also. Does the pain ever go away after losing everybody before your eyes? Every time I tell this story it seems untrue and I wish it was. I'm Bipolar and that doesn't help the depression very much or the anger either. I really don't have any close friends at all, I just feel desolate. I have a brother, but the rest of my family is not anybody I'm close to. Does the pain go away eventually or get better? I just feel I've got nothing to look forward to when I wake up every day. Soon I was going to pursue a dream career of mine, and now I just don't even care if it happens or not. I've lost interest in every hobby that I loved (fixing Mercedes, I was obsessed) and nothing thrills me or just gives any pleasure. I thought buying things might fix the emptiness, but it doesn't last.

Hi Jake,

I remember you from the bp forum. My condolences on the loss of your family members. I'm sorry you are feeling desolate. Losing a close family member is high on the stress scale and with the "family holidays" upon us I can see how you'd be missing your family and friend quite a bit. I haven't lost many ppl in my life (mostly pets, actually) but I think over time the pain of loss generally can become less "sharp" overall as you adjust to the "new normal" of life without the ppl who have passed, tho certain things can trigger memories and make it all "fresh" again. It's hard to say tho as mourning is a very individual experience.

*big hugs*
Jan

janjones wrote:Hi Jake,

I remember you from the bp forum. My condolences on the loss of your family members. I'm sorry you are feeling desolate. Losing a close family member is high on the stress scale and with the "family holidays" upon us I can see how you'd be missing your family and friend quite a bit. I haven't lost many ppl in my life (mostly pets, actually) but I think over time the pain of loss generally can become less "sharp" overall as you adjust to the "new normal" of life without the ppl who have passed, tho certain things can trigger memories and make it all "fresh" again. It's hard to say tho as mourning is a very individual experience.

*big hugs*
Jan

Hey Jan, thanks for the response.It helped lift my spirits a bit in this time of my depression.. I agree, I think the holidays are a bit of a trigger especially.

I have no idea how this makes you feel as it wouldn't have the same effect on me. However, maybe a different perspective; take it for what it's worth...

It's clear that you've been through a nightmare experience with losing your family and that will probably take you some time to come to terms with it, especially as you have your own issues to deal with.

That said, everyone dies. Your family has been unlucky in that it's all sort of come at once, but you haven't died.

Casting your mind back at those who have gone, focus on what they were when they were alive rather than the fact that they're dead.
You could visualise conversations with them and ask them what they would like you to do now that you're alone. I'm guessing that their responses to you would be to live your life with purpose and to use the examples they set when they were alive to inspire you to do more.

No one lives forever, but we can create a pseudo-immortality for those who have gone before us by how we carry the values and stories of those ones to others.

This is a new start for you; it may be born out of pain, but it also provides you with a new perspective which, in time, could provide you with a unique insight on life's values.

You will also die one day, but until that time comes make sure that you live.

Around 19 i lost my best friend to a car wreck, another friend who was shot and my nearest cousin to suicide, i too felt as you do now. I tried everything to cope wigi boards, religions ect. i felt as though they were with me wherever i went and lived with their ghosts for a few years. i even went as far as to have full conversations with them while driving around by myself all night. It was a hard time i thought would never end. My best escape that eventually lead me to inner peace was learning to let them go. the thought of how they would perceive my actions, living how they would want me to live. treating everyone i meet better and treating myself better. when you know a person well enough you will know the advice they would give you. Their essence becomes the voice in the back of your mind, a conscious of sort.That's what helped me personally. To me it feels as they live on through how they changed me and my self destructive behaviors. I've literally helped 100's of strangers with that thought in mind even if it meant i was screwing myself financially or otherwise.. as long as it was for the better of someone who deserved it. Good luck my friend, follow your dreams and you'll never be a disappointment to anyone. if you fall get back up, there's no shame in stumbling.

Learn to flourish in your negative emotion. I wouldn't say learn to channel it, like others do. That feels mostly like a temporary fix, but it can turn out fun, too; like painting or singing/playing guitar, or whatever.

What I mean by learn to flourish in your emotion is the ability to comprehend yourself so far into life where you see yourself only ever constantly reminded of death, sitting there, just thinking about it, but still doing activity anyways. Don't try to push it away, it will fade on its own. Give your negative emotion ever point of attention it demands from you. Don't mistake it for anything other than what it is.

An exercise I've been doing lately to kind of dampen down how hard loss freshening up from triggers for me, is this: I comprehend I somehow make it into an age far into the future assisted by medicine. I comprehend how all the loves ones I've known are gone. For a little bit, I displace myself into that future. I weep for a little bit... but giving it every bit of attention, it passes. I bring myself back to the present, and the next time it happens, it feels less severe.

Just realize grief will become a more and more normal part of you life as you age. It's nothing to be afraid of. You must understand it positively. The exercise I do is to help me to use grief in a positive way. I hope, with grief, no matter how long I live, that I don't forget the people I lost. If I never forget them, it's as great an outcome I could have ever had. Use grief tool to remember positive people, not as a tool to hinder your life progress.