Struggle death & losses and where I am going

This is my first post here, Hi.

My life during my 20's is best described as being stuck inside a blender. Lots of things have happened and affected me emotionally, but the trigger event began with my mother's cancer (brain tumor) diagnoses when I was 20. I left college, took care of her for 22 months, was with her when she died - fell into a horrible depression while caregiving, had very few people around me as support during the time, including my dad who was basically a workaholic and unable to see the pain I was in, and a sister who is mentally retarded who also slipped into problems and first moved into a group home during my mom's illness. In the last months of mom's illness, dad started seeing his high school sweetie, and living at her house, making him even less available *ha*, like he ever was in the first place. Mom died, I returned to school 800 miles away from home, and stayed there until last Sept, when I finally was ready to move back close to home. In those 2 years, I lost my mom first, my last grandparent (more expected), my what should have been step-sister (age 24, didn't know she was diabetic) who and the person who I related to in my now larger step family, and a friend to suicide.

I went through many phases, used substances to numb the effects and feel ok with the world and my friends who I used to consider my family, but continued my own life, have a high level of drive to succeed, and most people think I'm always doing so well. I'm lucky, I can cope and move on is what I think a common thought is.

But, I struggle internally with all of this and feel like no one understands at all. Boyfriends, the most recent one I broke up with last month after more than 2 years (turned long distance when I moved), but I can't find peace and harmony in a relationship. I don't trust men (thanks dad) to ever make a committment "til death do us part", and most of the people my age seem to be unable to understand death like I've experienced. I try to be understanding of their lack of knowledge (I don't wish the pain on anyone!), but it makes it hard for me to ever feel like I really can fit in anywhere with ease. I want nothing more than to be in a happy, loving relationship, healthy...with someday a family that I can call my own. But instead I find myself care-giving to others around me, I did this with friends, boyfriends, now my sister and step-families on occasion. The difference is I realize that I take care of others before me almost always, and I'm trying to conciously make better choices for my own health.

I don't know what to do anymore though

awwww jenni, i really feel for you =(
reading your post left me on the verge of tears...

i understand that you've taken care of so many people, and that you've put the needs of others way ahead of your own... but now, i think it's time for you to take care of yourself. i also understand that you might feel guilty for doing this, but remember: you're also human, and are deserving of some tender loving care =)

i relate to a lot of what you said... and although i can't say i've experienced so much death, i think i can still relate... *pat pat*

for the sake of your health, you need to take on less responsibility. if you want, you can take what you can, as long as it doesn't take a toll on you. but don't forget about jenni! =) i feel that you deserve so much happiness after all of the sadness you've experienced...

think of your hobbies, your interests, what makes you feel relax and good about yourself. set your sights on that and go for it. because you're a wonderful person who needs to undergo some peaceful internal transformations... =)

what are your thoughts?

take care*

My thoughts, hmmm. There are always too many, that is part of the problem. First, I seem to be surrounded by bizarre coincidences involving things - lrecently this month, 2 people on the same day that i know personally were diagnosed with brain tumors. They are not "close" friends, but they were fairly significant people in my life during my mother's illness, one girl I babysat for (mother's old bosses daugther who is 19), the other is a close friend's mother. It made me so sad, but my now ex-bf wrote and said I'm glad they weren't closer to you, which horribly offended me.

I spend lots of time doing what I call "jenni" things, and the move home was for me completely, the first selfish thing I've done in years. But now I'm here, and I don't know many people, I often feel uncomfortable because of that, even though I know what i can offer to people as a friend. I'd spend my time now focusing on what can I do to feel better about me, which includes music (i am a violinist), crafty projects, learning new things like how to cook, and exercise. Sometimes i go a little overboard on these things though, they don't block the fact that I'm still on the path to trying to recreate who "i" am. I'm not angry at my family any more, or upset with my dad - I accept him for who he is, what decisions he made, and have been able to confront him on some main issues, ie, *know* I can never look at your new wife and respect her as a woman, she made choices that I don't agree with, getting involved with my dad before my mother had passed. (her story is way more complicated, her husband abused the three oldest girls, and they have been trying to cope with these things since our families got mixed up together. The youngest kid of 5 (4 living) just graduated high school, so there are lots of issues around that have nothing to do with me, and at times, I've been forced to not even acknowledge publicly that I am really struggling with my mother's death - more over any of the others. She was my best supporter, best friend, and I feel like i got stuck in the age between being a kid and an adult. There isn't a lot written about what happens to someone at that age when loss occurs.

So I do worry too much, and I'm trying to be *selfish* as I call it, but I also find trying to push everything aside and be me doesn't help my anxiety and coping.

Btw...thanks for all your thoughts, I forgot I got so consumed in what I was feeling

Jenni I am truly sorry to read your story and hear of all your losses and pain. I can relate to some of what you wrote. I too have lost many people, one by one. It started with extended family when I was very young and continued until I was an adult. There were so many family issues I wouldn't even know where to begin. Now as an adult my life is more stable, but I realize that I am so used to living in chaos and grief that I don't know how to cope with things being stable. I feel so lost and alone at times because I don't know anyone who has been through the things that I have that can relate to me. I too would never wish this pain on anyone. I am terrified to let people get close to me because I am afraid of losing them and also because I have a lot of intimacy and trust issues. I wish I could give you some advice. All I can say is that you have to try to do what you think is best to move forward in your life and balance taking care of others with taking care of yourself. You're at the age now when you're just discovering who you are. I've past that age and still don't know who I am. I wish I knew how to move forward.

Screwed_up - YES, I feel all those issues too!

Coping when things are right - that is one of my biggest problems in a relationship, along with trusting that someone not to just die on me when I get close to them - like anyone has any control over this! With the boyfriend i recently said goodbye too, things had potential, and often he was concerned that I was pushing him away because of my "experiences" and my "fears". Note: He has never lost anyone, and truly doesn't understand. I finally got to a place when my friends were both diagnosed with brain tumors where i said enough is enough with waiting around for that relationship, live for the day. I've decided that waking up each day is a gift, and that living each day to it's fullest is the most that I can do.

My biggest reasoning for moving close to home is my sister who has had many, many issues, and under state care has been placed on all kinds of medications that I was horrified to find out about - that is another long story naturally.

But, just last week, we rememered the death of our mother, just the two of us for the first time ever. I took her to hiking to the overlook where we scattered the ashes, we collected flowers, colored pictures, talked, and for the first time in 7 years, I found out how much pain my sister was really in. I was always concerned her disabilities prevented her from expressing any of it, and I was so amazed to find out otherwise. It was quite moving.

hello jenni,

your posts are so moving!

i'm so proud of you for getting as far as you have, from accepting your father's actions (or inactions) to being able to interact with your sister like that. like you and screwed_up, i share some of the same issues... but, it's good to know that there are people like the two of you out there who can understand! yay!

i'm glad you're focusing on doing things that can make you feel better. those are all great ideas! music, crafts, exercise... good stuff =)

you don't have to push everything aside while being "selfish." i doubt you can push it all aside, because it's so much a part of you... and i don't mean that in a negative sense. but, hopefully you'll be able to accept it enough to not let it get you anxious and hinder you from coping. i think you've become an incredible human being through all of the turbulence. i'm so very proud of you =)

take care*

I'm really glad that others might be able to relate and are moved, but I feel crazy a lot of the time. There is the rational side of me that knows I'm a great person, have helped many people in my life in many ways, and that I should be happy. But, so much of me has been at war with myself. I occupy my time with lots of things, like music, cooking, exercising, reading...sometimes because it truly eases my anxiety in life, other times just to be busy and not think. But, I can't seem to find an absolute peace. I feel uncomfortable with people, especially peers my own age - I worry a lot about what people see in me or think of me. It's distructive, and I'm trying to love me, because I know i'm strong and independent. I guess it might be obvious why I haven't been able to commit completely to any relationship - I always end up having doubts about the potential of the relationship, likely because I haven't really found that "true" happiness. I feel bad for the guys i have been with as a result of it too (two long term relationships).

A year ago I went back on an SNRI because I was breaking down literally every day - before I made big changes in my life too by moving 800 miles and taking a new job. Since moving things have been tremendously better, and I really would like to try life again without the meds. But I have a high anxiety level about life. I'm not in therapy, not seeing a psychiatrist, and was able to get a doctor I've never met to continue the perscription I started in my old city last year. But I'm scared I won't ever be able to cope normally again. I've also been on a serious health kick lately, involving more than excercise, and I feel like it might be time to try and get off the meds again and clense myself. What if i fail and am miserable???

I should mention I was on an SSRI when my mother was at her worst and after she died, for about 1.5 years. Same situation, no therapy, very few drs. visits, and eventually I just quit taking it. Of course, at the time I had resort to "self medication". That wouldn't happen this time around, gauranteed.


Does anyone have any advice on returning to living. It has been 7 years, 7 is my lucky number, and I want to believe it is time.

Thanks for reading...jenni