261 Days

It's been 261 days since S committed suicide. Our relationship was complicated. I met S during my hospital admission and even though I knew him for 2 months during that time before he killed himself, I feel like I have known him for years. He was around during a period of time in my life when I was at my lowest and he meant everything to me. I had no one around but he was. I don't know if I can call him a friend in a normal sense but I feel he was.

It's been 261 days and I still react as if his death happened recently like few days ago. I'm stuck in dealing with his death. I get really sad and upset then start crying every time his image or name crops up in my head. I miss him terribly. I feel like I'm just waiting for him. That's all there is left. I'll keep waiting. Even though intellectually I know he's gone, he ceased to exist, he will never come back, I'm still looking for him. I talk to him like he's actually there. I'm going through a stressful time right now and I've been thinking about him even more. I wish he was around to be there for me like he was before.

During our admissions, he showed me there was hope. I wanted to kill myself but he told me he didn't want me to die. So I didn't. But he went and did it. It really hurts. He took something from me and his absence has left a big void that I can't fill. I hate him for what he did. I feel guilty about hating him. I'm such a hypocrite because I was in the same exact place he was in so I know what he must felt. But to actually experience the aftermath. It's a shock that hurts to heal.

The first anniversary is coming up in few months time and it's not getting easier. I didn't feel much months ago and rarely thought about it but now it's just hitting. And it's hitting pretty hard. I don't know what I should do. I want to move on but I feel like I'll lose what remains of him if I do. I still long for his return. I just want him back. I wish he took me with him.

Angelene, losing someone to suicide has to be one of the hardest things to deal with. Unless the person who has killed themselves leaves an explanation as to why they ended their life, nothing makes sense.

As for it being 261 days since you lost S, that is early days. You had S as a support when you were going through a rough patch in your life, and when we have someone who helps us through a rough point, that person can mean so much more to us. Although you may be finding the loss difficult now, in time, you will hopefully be able to look back and find the happy memories from the time you spent with S.

Do you have a grave for S that you can visit and lay flowers or a special momento? You could sit and 'talk to S'. Do something on the anniversary that makes you remember S in a good way.

Healing and moving on doesn't mean we abandon those who've gone ahead. We honor and remember them but live our lives well. We all end up in the same place eventually, but hastening that moment is foolish. Suicide requires profound neurological impairment which are abnormalities and as such can and should be fixed one way or another. Once they are fixed the wish to die will vanish as you're once more able to see the joys available in life absent in death. No matter how close we become to someone, if they leave us via suicide, then the relationship wasn't as close for them as it was for us. So mourning them isn't a wise thing to do. If they were worth mourning they woulda stuck around until old and grey.

The worst pain is better than the best being dead.

TROJAN wrote:Angelene, losing someone to suicide has to be one of the hardest things to deal with. Unless the person who has killed themselves leaves an explanation as to why they ended their life, nothing makes sense.

As for it being 261 days since you lost S, that is early days. You had S as a support when you were going through a rough patch in your life, and when we have someone who helps us through a rough point, that person can mean so much more to us. Although you may be finding the loss difficult now, in time, you will hopefully be able to look back and find the happy memories from the time you spent with S.

Do you have a grave for S that you can visit and lay flowers or a special momento? You could sit and 'talk to S'. Do something on the anniversary that makes you remember S in a good way.

The problem I have now is I can't remember any happy memories we had together (and we did have plenty) because all I see when I think of him is his death, his suicide. All I see is his depression, his sadness and misery. And I hate it. Beyond his illness he was a good person. He was caring and deeply understanding. He gave me a shoulder to lean on and I feel like I shared myself with him but with his death I feel betrayal and abandonment.

Perhaps it was foolish for me to think that I'd be enough for him, just like he was for me back then. Does it make me self-centred to have thought this? I tried to help him. I really did. I tried my best but it wasn't enough and I feel guilt and anger at how inadequate I was--at my helplessness to do anything. I apologise to him every night because that's all I can do. But ultimately it's pointless.

I can't even do that. I don't know where he was buried/cremated. I went from one cemetery to the next for months but I couldn't find any traces of him. I wish I could have that because I think it would allow me to put it out there and better deal with it. I have no contact with his family. I don't know where he is but I still keep looking for him everywhere I go.

HesDeltanCaptain wrote:Healing and moving on doesn't mean we abandon those who've gone ahead. We honor and remember them but live our lives well. We all end up in the same place eventually, but hastening that moment is foolish. Suicide requires profound neurological impairment which are abnormalities and as such can and should be fixed one way or another. Once they are fixed the wish to die will vanish as you're once more able to see the joys available in life absent in death. No matter how close we become to someone, if they leave us via suicide, then the relationship wasn't as close for them as it was for us. So mourning them isn't a wise thing to do. If they were worth mourning they woulda stuck around until old and grey.

The worst pain is better than the best being dead.

He is worth mourning. I don't think he saw our relationship the way I did and it's understandable. At the end of the day I was a stranger to him that happened to be at the same place at the same time. Under different circumstances we'd have never met. But it happened. He happened. And as short as our relationship was, it still had a profound effect on me, on my life. So I can't just not mourn him.

thanks a lot