confused about my loss...any1 else feel this way?

Hey,
I guess I just need some advice and support right now...My grandmother, whom I lived with for 7 years of my life is in the hospital right now, and she is expected to die within a few days. I feel so lost and confused right now...It's especially hard, because I've had such a mixed relationship with this woman. When she lived with us, she was very emotionally abusive (i know it seems strange to think of an elderly woman being abusive, but trust me...), and eventually the police had to remove her from our house when it was upsetting my mom too much and everything was getting out of control. But, I still love her, and she also has many good qualities. We've been closer since she moved out 3 years ago, and part of me is grieving, but the other part of me wishes she would just die (I feel terrible saying it, but it's true). Does anyone know how I feel, about having mixed feelings about watching a loved one pass away?
thanks for listening!!!!

Well, my grandmother passed away this morning... I feel sad but numb right now

No1 has anything to say? I've tried to @ least offer sympathy to ppl on this forum, even if I didn't know what 2 say.. I know everyone's busy and dealing w/ their own issues, but a response would be very much appreciated.
take care, everyone.
<3

Hi Drama...sorry about the lack of responses to your post. Doesn't look like this particular forum gets a lot of looks. I just found this entire website because I wanted to make a post about a relationship that I missed out on with the first girl I was in love with when I was 12 years old and somewhat blame my mother for because she was emotionally abusive also. I really can sympathize with you about the mixed emotions thing. I loved my mother but sometimes I hated her because of the misery she put the rest of our family through. My sister was 15 and had a boyfriend and my mom really put her through hell during that period saying she was too young and always managing to make a scene when ever her boyfriend was around. I sure wasn't going to come home with a girl being only 12!

I can't say that I know what it is like to lose a grandparent because I never met any of them. The only one that was still alive after I was born was my mom's mom and she deserted her family when my mom was 3 years old and never contacted them again. We found out many years later that she died right around the time that I was 12. The point I am trying to make is that I think most people who are emotionally abusive have probably had some kind of emotional trauma in their own lives. After I figured that out I had more compassion for my mother. She died 3 years ago now and I miss her very much. I just don't think that you should feel any guilt about the mixed feelings you had toward your grandmother but rather just go through the natural grieving process that we all do when we lose someone we love.

Drama_Queen I am sorry for your loss and sorry I didn't respond sooner. I was afraid of not saying the right thing. I can only somewhat relate to your loss. I can only say that it is normal to have mixed feelings about losing someone who caused you so much pain. I still grapple with the mixed feelings I have losing someone years ago who I loved but caused me so much pain. It was a sudden loss so fotunately I didn't have to watch her die at least. Sorry for your loss.

Thanks so much for your replies; I really appreciate it!!!! Your replies were both helpful, and it's nice to know that I'm not alone about having all of these mixed emotions.
Ridgeway, you're definetely right about emotionally abusive people having problems of their own....We found my grandmother's diary, and it turns out that she was in a lot of pain and was a very deep person, she just didn't show it to any of us. I also feel better than I did before, because the funeral was very nice. In the Eulogy my mom was honest; no sugar coating. She talked about my grandmother's good points, and also her bad temper and everything. I know that I'll always remember and love my grandmother for both the good and the bad.
Thanks again for the help! Please feel free to come to me with advice anytime.
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Drama queen.

This part of the forum is slow. I"m so sorry, it is hard for many to discuss loss.

It is hard to find the words to show how I feel for you right now. I loved my grandma so much. I still do. I talk about her all the time and cook her recipes. She used to love to cook, and owns the recipe for the areas famous rolls. MY aunt that I lost 2 years ago, took it with her.

So grandmas are so special, and we never really lose them because we are a part of them. What helps me is to remember the good times, this comes with time. Pass on the things she taught me, and like I said cook her recipes, so she lives on thru me.

All my tears and condolences. (((drama queen)))

She is with the angels and in at peace. We don't cry for those we lose, we cry because we miss them.

Thank you so much for your sympathy and support, ddeehopes!!!!
I'm definetely trying to focus on the good times, and be grateful for her good qualities.
Thx again!!!!!!
<3
drama_queen