loss of the only person i will ever love.

I have lost my first and only great love. I grieve him and my own existance every day of my life. My first love was my father. I loved and trusted him with all of my heart. He was brilliant, engaging, funny, beautiful, mysterious, etc. But most of all he was like me-- he was the only person I knew who was like me (we're both midly autistic and didn't know until I was 21-- now.) I looked up to him- he was my hero. I wanted to be just like him.
Every day of my life I reached out to him. I did everything I knew to be perfect for him. Every day of my life I longed for him to acknowledge me.
And every day the cold reality slammed on me with a sickening thud.
He didn't want to know me, didn't want me to know him, didn't want to have anything to do with me. He didn't want to acknowledge that I exist, because it wasn't supposed to happen. I was a mistake; he never wanted children.
I have lost the only person I will ever love- and so early in my life. There will never be another that I will love and trust as much as him.
He stayed with us until I was 16, and every day was the same horrible reality for me.
Then he moved far away without a word.
He's gone, and I'm gone too. I wish with him, and with all my heart, that I didn't have to exist like this.
I've finally acknowledged the greif that's been bottled up for my entire life.
The pain has surfaced and I feel it heavily. I cannot stop crying, or talk to anyone, or even make food for myself.
I guess I just need to be heard. Maybe there is someone out there who can understand my pain? I just need to know how to let go, forgive, and heal.

I cried when I read your post. Iam so very sorry that you are experiencing this pain. My mother was a drug addict. I spent my entire childhood wanting her love, her attention, security, stability...I wanted a mother who loved me, but she wasnt able to give me those things. She saw me as a mistake, an accident, a source of pain for her. She did finaly clean her life up when I got into highschool, but I was angry and unforgiving. She died of cancer when I was 20yrs old. It has been 15yrs since she passed, but there is not a day that I do not contend with her failure, my unforgivness and the reality that there is no way to fix what is broken. I dont have advice. I only wanted you to know that someone understands your pain. I think the parent thing is so deep that we carry a part of the rejection into every aspect of life. Some days all I want is to see someone's eyes light up at my presense. A big broad smile that means that Iam loved. Heres my smile to you
God bless you. I will think of you often.

Silentpain I just want you to know that I read your post and it was very sad. I don't really know what to tell you, only that it's good that you're finally facing your bottled up grief. Greif can be toxic when bottled up for too long. The symptoms of not eating, crying constantly, etc are symptoms of grief and depression. I can't really relate to wanting a parents approval so desperately, because my parents never gave me the chance to want their approval. They were too screwed up to stick around. I guess you just have to find a way to let go of the desire to seek your father's love and approval. It may be that he loves you but just can't show it. You're not alone.