Grief is confusing and making me literally phyically sick

I just don't understand Grief in general. I really try to. But I just don't. It has made me phyically sick from it. I really wish my mom never died. I wish I had told her how I felt about many things. But, I didn't. Maybe because I knew she wouldn't of understood. I know now I could of tried. My heart is acheing. I felt like I'm empty inside. Like It isn't true she is dead. I hear a Johnny Cash song and think about my mom. She liked him alot. Cancer is real bad to have. Especially when you don't tell anyone you have it and you live day in and day out with the pains of it. Suffering. I'm so glad I stopped smoking cigarettes. She had lung Cancer. She smoked about 4 packs a day like a chimney. I wish I did something to convince her to stop. But she was pigheaded. Right up til she died she refused to believe cigarettes were the problem. Denial on her part. I'm angry at her. But yet I'm so sad and miss her. I just don't know anymore...

Go to the cemetary.....go to a quiet spot anywhere......tell her everything you would have said had she been alive.....just talk out to her.....she'll come ....she'll listen. Yes I realize it's not the same as having talked to her when she was alive and could carry a conversation w/ you......but trust now that she's still near you in spirit. She loves you....she'll want to hear what you have to say.

How your feeling is very normal by the way.