Nearly a month...

It's been nearly a month since one of my dogs, Naboo, had a stroke and had to be put to sleep. It was June 1st. I got a call from my mum about it and the pain was immeasurable. I went to see the dog at the vets. She was lay there on the table, lifeless. I chose to go because I wanted to say goodbye - I never got to say goodbye to the last dog that died since he died whilst I was on holiday with my dad in Greece.

I cuddled her, told her how much I loved her and just cried into her fur. I felt so bad and still feel bad for not staying at my mums the last time I saw her...it hurts so much. We got her ashes back too and that felt even worse, to know her full body isn't there anymore and is just dust.

I try not to think about it, but I accidentally thought about it last night, and god it hurt. I wanted to scream but I couldn't since I suffer from chest pains...muscular-skeletal (according to the doctors). And these chest pains were bad that if I were to scream they'd hurt even more. Even the movement of my crying into my pillow was making them worse. I wish I could scream like I often did when thinking about Barney, the first dog I lost. I need to let my pain out...this telling you is helping a little bit. It took me and my mum 3 years to get a new rescue dog after our first died. This is the dog we got, Naboo. Then we got Sally, and then Rolo. Since Sally has spent the most time living with Naboo she was hit hard too and still looks for her and is not eating properly. I hate going around to my mums at the moment because it feels so wrong that Naboo isn't there anymore.

I cuddled Rolo - who lives with me now, last night to help a bit. I don't really know what else to say, but at least I can get it off my chest...

Fengxian, we all feel guilt with a natural death, whether it be a person, or an animal. The fact that your dog had a stroke while you were not there, was not something you had any control over, and your Mother had to make a decision in your absence as to the best course of action to take.

Try to remember the happy times you spent with your dog, and try not to blame yourself for not being there when your dog was suffering.

I agree with Trojan. You have to cut yourself some slack as part of it just simply takes time. The cycle of grief is different for everyone and I do think the saying time heals all wounds is true. As far as not being there, you had no control over that and I think it's a true testament to how much your dog was loved that you went to say goodbye. There are so many things you can do to remember your dog - when the time is right, look into a way to memorialize. So very sorry for your loss.