My best friend, My dog: Lucille May 06/30/99 - 05/28/13

*Mod Edit*



***Bear in mind that I wrote this in my online /blog/journal around the time of Lucy's death. So, almost 4 months ago. I have not changed any of the wording. I am still heartbroken over this... Thanks for the support.***

My best friend, my dog, died 2 weeks ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. The part that hurts the worst is the shock of it all. Although I have accepted it now, it still kills me, but I can look at all the good times we had. She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. She got me through the abuse and pain all my life and then through the r*pes and sh*t in my adult life.... I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God. She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month (June) too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. (Therapist says I have PTSD ... Yeah, great, I know...)
I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. I am so stupid

*Written a few weeks after this initial journal entry*

I just feel like I am breaking. I was actually doing better but I just tortured myself a few nights ago. I went and got all her stuffed animals. (I know this is gross, but I smelled them.) I just miss her. They still smell like her. I don't want that smell to go away... I just want her back dammit. Why the hell did she have to





die.

We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. She got me through the abuse and pain all my life and then through the r*pes and sh*t in my adult life.... I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly.

Pets can be life savers for some. My parents (both narcissists) pretty much ignored me. Mother was very controlling and wouldn't let anyone in the house.
I was a silent, lonely child.
We did have a cat though. A large fluffy farmhouse type Tom, he was handsome, but could be vicious as in those days people did not think to have them neutered. Often he would fight with other cats in the neighbourhood and come home with a ripped ear & bleeding. He would scratch me too sometimes.
As a kitten we played for hours as a adult he followed me and loved a cuddle.
He was my only company.
They are there for you aren't they, they sense when you are upset. There for you when no one understands or people are acting like bas###ds.
One day he disappeared, I was aged about 8 I suppose. He never came home for his dinner. I hunted for that cat, I walked the street and countryside nearby calling. I did that for years. Yup years! Always hoping he would turn up. Worrying, was he lost, cold, hungry, injured?
As an adult my mother let it slip that they had found the cat, on the side of the road, it had been hit by a car, they never told me because I would be upset.
I wish they had told me though, I could have buried him and grieved instead of looking for him for years.
I still prefer animals to people, all animals not just the cuddly ones. They are faithful, honest and their love is unconditional. Which is more than I can say for most people.
So I understand your grief. Your dog was nearly 14 so she was old, and with you as her owner she had a very good life.
Get another dog, maybe a rescue? But don't compare the new one to the one you've lost because that one is irreplaceable.

Hello Yorkshire, thank you for your kind reply. It means so much to me.
I am truly sorry that your cat passed away too. The part that you hunted for it for years broke my heart. I understand that need for grief and closure. Even though it sounds like your parents were trying to protect you or something, they actually did you a disservice by not allowing you to grieve.
I just have trouble wanting a new dog... I just feel like if I love another dog, then that takes away from what Lucy and I shared... If I love one the same I loved her then it's no longer special... Also, I feel like she will always be that "special" dog. I will love others but she will be that one that's got a special spot... She was my first dog and best friend.
You know?

Lucy, I was talking to dad about you. We watched a video of you. I started crying. Just thinking about you; I'm almost in tears now... but I won't cry because dad's sitting next to me in the car...

I want to apologize for all of the mean things I used to do to you. I am sorry I teased you so much... I really loved you and I'm sorry I followed in dad's shadow...

I had those 3 fantastic videos that I made of you:
1) Dad nudged you while you were begging for food and you scolded him by barking and you started dancing around, wagging your tail, and begging even more! You were hilarious! :')
2) I hid a Milk Bone and you were sniffing it out looking for it running all around the house. You were so determined!
3) I gave you a Milk Bone and you were being so goofy. You were grabbing it and then dropping it and pawing at it and dancing all around it barking at it like it was alive or something. Then I said, "Give me that bone!" And you just went crazy and began wagging your tail... you loved that game...

But what I'm sorry for is that I lost all of these videos... I transferred them from my smartphone onto an SD card and somehow the files got corrupted and they won't play right now... And stupid me, before even viewing/playing them once on the SD card, I just assumed that they were on there correctly and deleted them from my phone... then once I played them from the SD card, I realized they didn't transfer correctly but it was too late as I had already deleted them... I'm so sad and very sorry. Those were the best videos and only ones that I had of you... It stinks... >(

She looks so cute I can see why you miss her so much.
They say dogs can't talk but they can, and they seem to know what your thinking. I've only got to think the word walkies and my dogs get excited. Don't know how they do that.
Sorry you lost the videos

I know!!!! It's so strange. They are so cool! Haha. Yeah she was cute. I am really pissed about the videos. It sucks. I have a lot of photos of her at least.
How many dogs do you have?

Have three, two small ones and a German Shepherd. I did have four till a few months ago when my Rottweiler was put to sleep. He was quite old for a Rottie and had cancer.
He was strong, loyal, handsome and loved a cuddle, he would put his big paws round my neck and make a low growl, something Rotties do when content.
He was like a bear.
He could speak volumes with those big brown eyes.

My dogs are my friends, I do have human friends but my dogs are easier company and like me unconditionally. I find it hard to trust humans they have betrayed me so many times.

Yeah, I completely understand. Animals, dogs especially, just get you and love you for who you are.
Sorry about your dog. It stinks. I'm glad he's not suffering though. (((((Safe hugs))))) if ok.