Unexpected loss of my dearest dog

On Sunday night, my little dear one began to tremble and have what appeared to be a seizure. He couldn't life his head or move his legs.

I rushed him to the Emergency Vet with a knot in the pit of my stomach. Going there rarely ends well.

He looked so frightened, but he couldn't really move. He did barely wag his tail at me once though. They took him from me and brought him to the back. I was not allowed to go.

Then the vet who talked to me as if he was giving a lecture to veterinarian students began telling me that the seizure was secondary and that my baby had a huge tumor in his abdomen. He then went and got him (he was a little black pomeranian) and put him on the cold metal exam table. All I could see was his big eyes looking up at me as the vet attempted to show me the tumor. I couldn't feel it though. I immediately authorized blood tests and x-rays. The vet left and I wrapped my jacket around my Baby and pet him and spoke to him for about 15 minutes.

That was the last time I'd ever see him.

They took him for the tests and then after an agonizing hour I once again got a lecture suitable for a vet student and finally just said, "Does my dog have cancer?" Reply.. "Oh yeah, he does." Like I should have just known that from being read the stats from my little guy's blood work.

Then I got to look at x-rays as the vet enthusiastically showed me how the tumor was wrapped around his kidneys and liver. How it was pushing on his stomach. All of it could not be removed and even with surgery and chemo my Baby would only live 4-6 months in pain.

The vet went to get some price estimates or something I don't even know. And I sat there and realized I could not put my dearest most precious family member through that. The vet was all ready talking about keeping him there until the surgery and putting him on some kind of medicine that sounded like chemotherapy. He couldn't even move or hold his head up.

I couldn't speak, so I got a piece of paper and I wrote a note that explained that I knew the best thing would be to euthanize him. My hands were shaking so badly as I wrote. I explained that I could not be present. I knew I wouldn't let them do it. For 8 years all of my instincts have been to protect this little guy who brought me so much joy and happiness. This was totally counter to all of my instincts.

I sobbed and the procedure was done without me present. I feel like such a coward. I then had second thoughts, called my primary vet in a panic the next day. She explained to me that he had had a large hemangioma sarcoma and that those are very fast growing tumors that there is no cure for. She told me that my Baby may not have even made it through the surgery.

Right up until his seizure, my little guy was playing with his toys and wanting attention. He enjoyed his life right up until the last four hours. I try to comfort myself with that knowledge.

I went into that building with my most precious companion and I left it without him. What kind of mommy kills her baby? I don't know how I will get over this. I just keep seeing him on that cold exam table. He got regular checkups, exercise, good food and love. A pom's average life span is 12-16 years. He lived 8. I just keep saying over and over.."I want him back!"

I got the call today that his ashes are ready to be picked up. This seems like a nightmare. A nice lazy Sunday turned into the worst night of my life when he had that seizure.

I just needed to write this down. I am so very sad and I feel awful that I made that choice...but I cannot imagine having him go through such pain and being so scared and then dying shortly after.

Sometimes life just absolutely freaking sucks and you wonder why you even bother.

Thank you for reading this to those who did. Sharing this with others who know how I am feeling is in a way comforting.

I wish one day that we all find peace again.
Priscilla

Sorry for the loss of your beloved dog. You may not think so, but it is kinder to allow the dog to go in peace and relative discomfort than to let the disease progress and cause more pain. I have a fourteen year old westie, and am hoping his end of life is natural.

Having lost both of my little doggies in less than a year I can understand how you feel, you did what was best and you are not a coward for not being there when he went to sleep for the last time, I've been there with all of our dogs ever since I was a boy and it is devastating to go through, now I am in my forties I don't think I can put myself through it again, reading your message was so sad and made me cry, but you loved him and he knew that and you did the best thing for him by thinking only about the pain he would be in, its no life and yours was the kind of love that repaid his love with a final act of kindness.

Keep strong and remember all of the love that he shared with you.

Many thanks to you Trojan and Pedosneedlovetoo! Your kind words were very comforting to me. I was not actually expecting any responses and so when I saw that you both responding it was a lovely surprise.

I picked up my little guy's ashes and saw that they had also made a paw print mold which I was not expecting. I'm glad that they did that. It hurt to look at it today, but in the future I will be able to look at it with less pain and more good memories.

Thanks Again!
Priscilla

Do you have lots of photographs you can look back at to remember the joy your dog brought you?

Hi TROJAN,

I just took a look at my cell phone and there are over 600 picutres on it 90% of which are pictures of him These (and more) are on my computer as well. Not to mention the printed ones that are displayed in my home and office.

I was constantly taking pictures and you are right...they will be quite nice to look back on.

You will be able to look at those photos one day, and take comfort from them, that you gave your dog a good life.

I too found photos on phones and cameras that I had all bu forgotten existed, and although they can still bring me to tears for what is gone, they also now start to bring back the memories of those days and how happy they were at the time and how much fun and love we had together, I miss my little girls more than I can ever say and its been over two years and it still hurts, but it does get better....I have their ashes here in a cabinet with all of our doggies that have passed and I love them all so much and while still bad I know from experience that it does get better.

Hang in there for your little guy, he loved you so much and never wanted you to be unhappy.

I must say TROJAN and Pedosneedlovetoo that you both seem like lovely people! It is so kind of you to interact with me about this. I do appreciate it.

I will enjoy those photos, I did really want to give him a good life. Today is a bit hard, one week ago was our last happy day together. He was in my exercise room with me last Saturday while I ran on my treadmill, his little bed is still in front of it. I took his picture that day, he looked so cute and content.

TROJAN do you currently have any pets?

Pedosneedlovetoo I'm so sorry about your little girls, do you ever think that you'd like to have another dog?

I am fortunate that I have two other dogs. A toy poodle that I found and a large mixed breed rescue dog. But...there is still a big hole where my boy was

I have a 14 year old dog.