My Moose...

I had to put down my dog Moose, he was struggling with epilpsy w/ cluster siezures. He was just a baby only 18 months old, he was my baby... All my life I asked for a dog thats the one things I always wanted and my parents finally decided to get me one for my 17th birthday. When I found out I was getting one I was happier than I've ever been in my life. And I've struggled with alot of crap since I was alittle kid, From abuse to self-injury, bipolar disorder and alot of other stuff. I always wanted a dog so I'd have a friend, and someone to protect me no matter what, and most of all I wanted a dog so I could have something to be able to love safely. My Moose was everything I'd dreamed of and more! I loved him more than I even care about myself, I still do even though he's gone... He got sick on christmas day 2011 ( I'm not religous), he had he's first seizure. After that he got worse and I knew the first time we had to bring him to the hospital, after seizing for an hour without coming out of it, that the medications weren't going to work and that I was going to have to put him down. And knowing that, I started to yell at him alot because I didn't want to love him anymore, because I didn't want to get hurt like with everything else I loved and they left. But by that point I couldn't not love him he was my baby. I held him when he was sick and whimpering, I cleaned up after him, fed him, gave him his meds 3 times a day, everything that you'd do with a human baby. And when I yelled at him he'd just give me this look saying I understand and I still love you... I feel so guilty, for yelling at him and not being able to give him everything he needed but I know I did the best I could for him. And when I had to make the choice of putting him down, I felt like I killed him. I mean he was just a baby. I still feel so horrible about it but I couldn't let him suffer anymore. I don't know... I'm just so Lost without him right now. It still hurts so much and it's been 5 months. I try to just remember the good times with him but it's hard when all the bad stuff gets in my head... I Miss Him So Much! It feels like there's just a huge whole in my heart, I mean there always was one, but now it's just bigger... Does the sadness and guilt ever go away?

A ShatteredSoul,

I am so sorry to hear you had to lose your beloved dog. You may only have had him for 18 months, but the bond you will have built up will be very strong. I have a dog, but he is an older dog.

As far as medication to control the seizures is concerned, it seems to be a bit of trial and error to get the level of medication right. I have a friend who's dog has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy, and the dog is being administered medication twice a day to control the seizures. It might be that with your dog, the vet didn't actually get the right level of drug for the dog.

As for how long the grief of your loss will last, it could last months or it could last years. People are different, and get over loss at different rates.