my friends wife!!

hi everyone
the other day my friends wife died, she was only 35....
it started with a chest infection, then 4 days later she was dead.
it was a shock to say the least.
its hard to know what to say to him, as he knows what i have been trying to do.
i want to be there for him but im finding it hard , he's the only true friend that i have and i feel im going to push him away as i cant help him.
she's being buried on tuesday and ive been told i should go to be there for my friend. i dont know what to do.
he seems to be handling it well , but i know that tuesday he's going to need as many friend as possible,........

What do you do you ask? Well. Simple. You put your friend's needs first right now. You put aside what you are dealing w/....or rather you don't burden this friend w/ that right now and you keep that seperate from your friendship w /him....deal w/ that on your own....What you offer him is simple.....you don't have to say much....you show him w/ your prescense at the funeral that you are a true friend....you go because you knew her....and you know him and you care.....maybe you don't have all the "right words" to say.....no words can take away his pain right now....he just needs to see his friends surrounding him right now...to know and feel he's not going to have to go through this alone. Let him know if he wants to talk that you are there to listen. Listen is the key too! Don't abandon him out of fear of what to say or do. You don't need to do much. You just need to be a prescense for him so he realizes that his friends are there for whatever he asks for and he's not grieving this all alone.

Overdose,

my apologies to you. I was so quick to try to address the main question in your post that I was a complete ass.

My deepest sympathies to you and your family regarding the loss of your friend. I'm so very sorry that you are having to grieve this on top of everything else you are going through.

My advice to you still stands as stated above. But I never meant to be so cold and callous as to not even extend my sympathies and prayers to you. Loosing a friend is never easy.

HUGS,

There is nothing on earth that you can say to bring her back, and your friend knows this. I find that the people who are always around--like in the same room with you--when you are hurting are the ones who care most. They stand by you when you need them.

Stick around after the funeral as they can very draining since the bereaved is also usually the host. Help him take care of guests, feeding them, make idle chitchat with them so he doesn't have to entertain, taking out the trash, do the dishes, etc.

Tell him you will help him with things you know need doing, and then do it without asking if he needs your help. Keep him busy just doing little dumb stuff like working on the car together, going fishing, watching the game on t.v., cleaning out the gutters on the roof, etc. Invite yourself over if you are close--he needs to be in the company of others and not alone. He will be missing the person that was always there, and you don't want him to feel more lonely. Just be with him as much as you can, get him to eat, let him talk... it will take a very long time.

Some of my most valued friends are in that category because they did these things when I was hurting. They were available, they listened, and they just cared. This is all it takes.

I'm so sorry for your and his loss.

thank you for your reply chickadee i am going out for a drink and a game of pool with my friend later, and angel , thank you for being blunt and to the point with me ! i needed a kick in the ass.
BUT when the day came i couldnt go, yes i know i should of been there for my friend but i couldnt, the night before i had my suit all ready, my shoes were gleamming.
but i woke on tuesday morning and went into a panic, and had a panic attack.i was in ni state to be there.
my wife explained to friend what was happening and he was ok with it ,( i now feel ive let him down ,) but hes coming around later for something to eat and then we are going out .
KEEP HIM BUSY
but thanks again for your replies they did help even if i didnt follow them .

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