Best friend's suicide.

One of my best friends took his own life in October of last year. He was someone I trusted, cared about and spent a lot of time with. When he died, a part of me died. I have not been the same since.

He lived in South Florida and I live in the north. He went to a university not far from my hometown and I would go visit him often. Then we stopped talking as much when I was dating my ex; he cut me off from all friends and family, especially any male ones. Then he wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral, saying "you're not the only one who's lost a friend, don't be selfish and leave me here" and "all funerals are is to gather and share memories, you don't need to do that."

I keep harboring feelings of guilt and remorse... he told me once that he felt suicidal, and I never told anyone, because I didn't think he would actually do it. I can't seem to let go of these feelings, wondering if I had broke up with my ex sooner, started talking to him again, maybe if he would still be here... when I called his mother to offer my condolences she said that he needed that female support from me, and to not lose touch, but he didn't want to bother since I was in a serious relationship. That literally broke my heart further. It makes me sick to think that I allowed a man to control me to that degree, and one of my friends died because he was hurting. I wasn't there for him like I should have been.

This is a really tough time for all of us that knew him... his birthday is tomorrow. He would be 22.

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds heartbreaking and you must have a lot of conflicting feelings about it. Have you eve had any sort of bereavement counselling about this as I think it would be a helpful thing for you to do to learn how to move on from this. You wont forget your friend but you can learn how to move forward from it all. Please talk this out as much as you want to.

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you.

I haven't been to any grief counseling. I didn't grieve properly when he died, so maybe it would do some good. What should I do to deal with these feelings right now?

I think the main thing to do that would help you is to look for some bereavement counselling to start as soon as possible. This would help you process what you are feeling and say a healthy goodbye to your friend. Please let me know how you are doing.

Cracked

Suicide is such a difficult issue to deal with. My grandfather and my late husband also took their lives so I know what you are feeling. I hope in time you can come to terms with the loss of them.

Time for you get out of the relationship you are in. This thread should be in the "Abuse" Section. That you were being abused or stopped by someone against your will to see a friend or be apart of his funeral. Thats really sick...

This is a fun life is it not.. I take things to God and I don't worry about the craziness that goes on down here on planet earth. If someone dies and I feel to blame or Im involved, I realize Im involved in the complexity only because I was born on planet earth... ITs all to crazy, all of this..

I understand loss. I understand that I can feel that Im to blame for things, that without my help others will be at such a loss that they will have reactions that can cause harm to themselves or others...Hmm... No? I have a critical thinking error. I am not God. Im in the same boat they are, I am trapped and human just like they are.

The problem is not them.. It is not me. The problem is we are both born on this planet. That is the problem. the complexity and helpless confusion of being born on planet earth..
"Its not my fault", the circumstances are to big. No person can foresee or manage or rearrange Their lives that they take responsible for the influencing of other peoples choices. ITs simply impossible. Its a fantasy or a critical thinking error that I have the power of life or death on planet earth..

IT doesn't take the pain of loss away. It does drive me to a power greater then myself for the answers.. To stay with that power creator then myself and hide their until this human experience is finished..