I can't stop thinking about her.

If I do something wrong, I'm sorry. I'm new to the site.
A close friend of mine died in July last year.
We knew each other for 8 years and talked every so often but became close about 3 years ago when she got ill. They never quite figured out what was wrong with her. She had severe depressive and psychotic symptoms, but she didn't seem to fit neatly into any diagnosis. (I guess lots of people know that feeling) A mutual friend of ours suggested that she should talk to me about it because I'd been struggling with my mental health for a few years and she felt that she didn't have anyone who'd understand. After that we got really close. Our problems weren't the same, but they were similar enough to help us understand each other much better than our friends and family. She was the only person I told all the problems relating to MH to- and it was reciprocal. We could tell each other any dark, scary "crazy" thought and know with total certainty that there would be no judgment. We didn't spout the usual platitudes that other, well meaning, friends did.
She attempted suicide, unsuccessfully, and went into hospital for a while and then later went in again when her symptoms became worse. I tried my best to visit her as often as I could, but she was in a hospital close to the University she'd moved to and I was still at school in our hometown. For a while it seemed like things were, broadly speaking, getting better. I spoke to her a lot and she seemed 'brighter'. We spoke a lot and then suddenly there was no contact from her to any of her friends. Eventually she spoke just to me via text. And then nothing again. She moved to a hospital in our hometown, to be closer to her Mum but she wasn't allowed non-family visitors or her mobile. The next thing we knew, she was dead.
She overdosed on her medication whilst in the hospital- I don't know how they could let that happen. I can't drive/walk past that hospital without feeling sick or furious. The next day her Mum killed herself too. They didn't have any other family over here because her Dad died when she was small. The bodies were flown to Zimbabwe to be buried, where her mother was born. So I obviously couldn't go to the funeral. We wrote letters that were put in her coffin and later planted a tree in memory at our old school, but I still feel as though I never really said goodbye.

I never understood people saying "I think about them every day" when someone has died. I think about my Grandparents a lot, but not every day. With her it's different. It's like she's haunting me- not in a sinister way, she's just always there. My Grandma died a couple of months before her and I loved her with all my heart, but I still probably don't think about her every day. But then I suppose she was a lot older and I had a goodbye.
Realistically, I know that I couldn't really have done anything more to help. It's awful, but a part of me... I'm not happy for her. But... I get some comfort from the fact that she's not so desperately unhappy anymore. That she's free. Is that a terrible thing to feel? I've only ever admitted to someone once and they looked horrified. I have experience of what it means to be suicidal and to be driven to trying to die- which of course isn't healthy. So is that distorting my grief into these awful thoughts? I don't know what to do.
Sorry this was so long- like I said, I'm new.

VaticanCameos, suicide is one of life's things we have no control over, and when it happens to a friend, it opens up a barrage of questions and feelings. Why? How? What could I have done? Most people who take their own life tend not to announce their intention.

The hospital staff may not have been aware that your friend was not necessarily taking her medication, but saving it up secretly. She may have been pretending to take it, but then spitting it back out and saving it when the nurses weren't looking.

It can be harder to accept a death when you don't get to say goodbye.

Grief affects people in different ways. It is possible that you can think of the deceased every day after they have passed. It happened with me when my Dad passed. I think it come with a lack of
acceptance.

It is perfectly acceptable to feel happy that your friend is no longer suffering, and that she is at rest.

Thank you Trojan. I know it's not like the staff deliberately allowed her to kill herself. In honesty, she was a clever girl and always would have found a way. The irony of it gets me a little though.
Sorry to hear about your Dad I think you're right about acceptance. My Grandma was 86 and had been declining for a while, so it was easier to accept it. Whereas when my Grandad died it was the same kind of thing, but I was only 11 so I just couldn't deal with it and it took me a long time to get over. And then with my friend being so young...
Thanks for your advice.

I never came to an acceptance of my Dad's death, as he was only 59, and had 6 weeks prior, been diagnosed with lung cancer, with secondaries, and 6 weeks is not much time to take on board that you are going to lose someone.

I suppose it can be easier if you've known it's coming for quite a while.

I think you can to some extent prepare yourself for it.