Father's Suicide-Have you survived a suicide?

my father commited suicide about 8 years ago, and while I am doing welll, somtimes when i have dreams it is difficulkt to deal with. You kbow the funny thing about suicide, or should I say the ironic thing abiout it is that you never can get any closure about it. Ever if you think you know why it happened, you can never be sure.
There was so many things left unsaid, and now that he is dead I can't say them. And it makes me feel dissapointed, first because I always thought suicide was the coward's way of running away from his responsibilities, and because my father was such a strong man in many ways.
I was living in the group home at the time, and I just felt in this totally cold way "Better him then me". I know that is really #######5, but what can I do? I don't want to die, not today anyway. Sometimes I wish I could leave this planet, and I get reral angry at him. Because I really feel like it is so unfair for my family to act like everything is forgiven, but them to insist I stay. Don't they think I ever get tired? Don't they know that sometimes I long for the day when I can finally rest after a hard fought life? Why is it, that now he is a saint? I mean he wasn't a huge a-hole or nothing, but he wasn't Jesus Christ either.
Does anyone feel like I do?

a friend of mine took his own life when he was just shy of his 17th b-day. I can understand that there were certain things in his life that made him feel that taking his life was his only way out of the pain he felt consumed by. Probably can relate on some level because the school year before his suicide....I had been hospitilized for my own suicide attempt and had intense desire to want to take my own life and escape my own pain and nightmare. I'm 30 now. I think of him daily. I miss hiim. I wonder all the time what he would have been ...where life could have taken him. I miss him. I love him. I love the person I knew him to be.....his pain...his suicide...it's not all he was about. There was more to him then that and I love that part of him. I don't like his choice and it's filled me w/ much hurt...often regrets and time spent thinking of what ifs and if onlys. But I can forgive his choice/action because I've been there. I know what it's like to be so consumed by emotional pain and be so deep into a depression that you can't see clear to reason. Getting help....it doesn't seem possible. Waking up and dealing w/ daily life and the social norm around you....you are so deep into a depression you can't imagine doing it one day more. Then ...well if you are like me....you were raised believing in "God"...and a "heaven"....so you start to think about what heaven is like...how it's supposed to be perfect and that once there all the things that held you back in life....well no more pain...emotional or physical....you are so deep in a depression that you feel like you simply can't get life better. Even though you've not truly tried and those around you can see that clearly ....you feel like you HAVE tried to make life better and nothing has changed....so you feel trapped. You feel like no matter what you do you fail and your pain increases....so you dream of that heaven and you find yourself believing that your only escape is to leave life. And this is what it was for me. I know everyone is different. Some people make the choice to escape life and they don't believe in a God or heaven. I can't know their feelings. I can only guess based off my own situation.

You don't have to forgive your dad what he did in his suicide. You have every right to hold onto the pain it has caused you. The anger...all those emotions are yours to have. I just hope you don't let it blind you to any good times you had w/ your dad and any good memories you have.

I can't speak for your families feelings. I"m sure they don't feel he's a saint for having taken his own life. But if they felt he was a good man in his life despite how he choose to leave it and them behind....then it's not that they want to paint him a saint for taking his life...it's that they want to love him and remember him for all the good times...that's all.

Some parts of your post confused me. like:

Because I really feel like it is so unfair for my family to act like everything is forgiven, but them to insist I stay. Don't they think I ever get tired? Don't they know that sometimes I long for the day when I can finally rest after a hard fought life?

so I don't know if I'm helping you any as I share some from my own situation and own feelings....I may have confused some of the parts between your own self and your thoughts on your dad. I apologize....feel free to clarify though!

you said you had so many things left to say....I'm sure you would prefer to say them to his face while he's alive...so he can comment back and all that.....but don't feel that you can't tell him and have him hear you...might not get a two way conversation at this point....but I firmly believe that if you talk to him....he'll hear you. So talk away....get off your chest what you want him to hear...anytime.

my sister hung herself in my mothers basement last christmas. i understand how you feel completly. that was the first death i ever experienced, and it has changed me in ways i never could have imagined. she was three months shy of 18, we are roughly a year apart. losing your father in such a way im sure is horrible. just know that you are not alone, people understand how you feel, and you jsut have to take things one day at a time. i just try to be understanding. i do not know what was going on in her life to make that decision but i have to be understanding that for whatever reason, at the time, she thought that was best for her. i could write a novel of regrets and what ifs, its complelty normal to be angry at him for what he did. dont let anyone tell you that you are not entitled to feel the way that you do. i cant see myself ever getting over this, and the more people i talk to the more i believe that i wont. if you are having a lot of internal conflicts about it, you might consider talking to some sort of therapist. i know they are suppose to help. i think i am too stubborn to let mine help, i guess it will come with time. well.... i wish you the best of luck.

hello .... i myself tried to end my life back in the summer .
i know that there are many reasons people want to take there own lifes
i have mine and your loved ones had/have theres . i have been told its a cowards way out , but i dont feel like a coward.
i feel its the only way to end the hurt that i have had.
but soon my hurt will end,(i have a plan)
if your scared that the ones you love are having problems , talk to them , try to understand them.
it may help, it may be to late, but ... DO TRY

I think the reason it can be considered the "coward's way out" is that it's a reaction by loved one's to what they believe to have been a very selfish choice. I think by saying you took the "cowards" or "easy" way out is that feeling by those you leave behind that you just gave up on life and trying to make it better and you choose no one but yourself in that final moment. You gave up and quit. Well, that's my take anyway. And I remind you....I've been on both sides of this in my life. I don't speak only from the point of having lost someone I love dearly to suicide...I speak from having had to get through my own issues w/ suicide and my own attempts.

I can relate to that pain that is so overwhelming you feel your only way out of that pain is to end your life. But believe me...it takes a HUGE amount of work and effort on your part to rise above these feelings. Nope. It's not easy. Nope. It doesn't happen overnight or quickly. But if you can find that right therapist to help you get a better vantage point on things and help teach you new ways to deal and cope, etc. etc.....help you understand why you are in the place you are and teach you how to accept it....put it behind you...and handle anything that might come in the future......well...there really is hope for a better life. One that has you wanting to wake up to each new day and seeking all the good there is there waiting for you. Once again I speak from experience!!!

thank you angel but my plan is nearly complete .
i dont want to go into another year like this.
i am sorry for all i will leave behind but its my only way

it's NOT your only way. It certainly seems an easy way....but it's NOT your only way. You do have options and you can get out from under all your pain. For all the effort you are putting in to your suicide....think of the rewards you'd get if you put even half that effort into overcoming and living.

Just don't chid yourself that no one will miss you or people will be glad your gone or others will be better off w/ you dead. You just can't possibly know. You really can't. do people go on after you pass...yeah....cycle of life....but you can't begin to know the depth of the pain, hurt, anger...just a whole range of emotions you set in motion. I know this is about you and your pain and trying to overcome it...but in doing that...you set forth an even worse course of events for those you leave behind.

And my situation.....I lost someone I love so much. And at the time of his death we had been only casual friends....we had a really good bond in Jr. High...but our social circles took us in different paths by highschool....so although I still cared very much for him....I didn't see him much...didn't hang w/ his crowd. And I can't tell you the impact his death had on me. I still recall clearly.....almost 13 years later....exactly where I was when I opened the paper and saw his picture staring up at me....the moments that passed and then the realization that this was the obituary section and it was his obit. ....I can recall it all clearly like a slow moving movie replaying in my mind...his funeral....so much of it. Not one day passes that I don't think of him. I have many regrets. I have good days where thinking of him is easier and I focus on just the good times we had and leave it at that. I still have many days where I cry ...where I hurt.....where I think of all he could have been and how great it'd be to still have his friendship...I think of all I wish I could share w/ him in life...rather then via standing over his grave and hoping he hears it all................................I could write forever about my pain and regrets and so much....so much that is still fresh and raw even 13 years later. This wasn't a close love or a close family member.....just a casual friend at his time of passing...my point...even your most casual of connections will be devasted by your choice. Fight for them. But most of all.....fight for you. Don't give up. Talk to me. Talk to anyone here. Just keep talking. I can't solve things for you, no. But I'm here to listen...maybe even offer some advice. People here DO care.

hello angel
this is overdose !! i have been in hospital since yesterday after another suicide that went wrong.
i now realise that live is a gift and all the plans in the world cant take that gift if its not wanted to be giving up.

Thank you SO much for replying. I hope you will stay on and talk to me. I'm so sorry that you tried, again, to take your life. But I'm SO grateful that it didn't work. I really believe God has given you another chance.....I know there are things that you are struggling w/....obviously....but I really believe you can work through it. You have to have patience....nothing comes easily....it will take hard work on your part. I hope they hook you up w/ a counselor...and remember....if you don't like who they set you up w/....move on and find someone new...not all counselors click w/ every person out there....they all have their own styles and ways of working w/ their patients....don't give up if the first match seems bad to you...find the right match and really work hard. Remember the key to how well they can help you is yuo need to really be honest w/ them and be open and forthright...they can't help completely if they don't know it all. It really is between you and them....if you hide things for fear of what they might think or do....well...no...you don't give yourself a chance to get well....and then you'll just find yourself faced w/ this idea of suicide again.....if you look at it that way....that ending your life is your only alternative....how bad can it be to really be as open and honest as possible so that your counselor is then best equipped to help you?!!

I'm SO relieved yuo are logging back on...that you are somewhere safe. DON'T give up. And I hope you'll stay talking. I'm here to listen. Remember as I said before....I've been on both sides. I've dealt w/ my own suicide attempts and have overcome....I've also lost someone I love to suicide. I can relate....I will listen.

Keep up the faith........

A dear friend of mine committed suicide last year, aged just 21. I miss her every day. She was a writer but she did'nt even leave a note....nothing. She was bipolar though (which I didn't know til after she died). People don't realise the repercussions their death will cause, and how many people really care about them.

Lost, my father died when I was 12, and my mother just walked away from me and left me to deal with with it, never spoke of it again hardly. I became mentally ill after that, lots of different things.....At least, hopefully you have people in your family to talk it over with.