Father's Suicide-Have you survived a suicide?

Suicide is a terribly selfish act. I realize the repercussions of what such a decision would cause in the lives of those close to me. It's the only thing that has really kept me from going through with it. For two years I have considered it everyday. And I am really somewhat fearful that one of these days I will actually do it, having had it in my mind so long, and having my hope and will dissolve just a little more every day. But then the last thing I want to do is have my final act as a human being be a transference of the sickening pain I feel on a daily basis to those I care for. But then I am so sick of the sickening pain I don’t want to continue to live. I just keep sliding further and further down this rotten hole of my existence. And I just want a release, respite, solace, and rest. Everyday is such a monstrous ordeal, such a trying trial, that it really isn’t living at all, its just dying. The objective of everyday is just to see it end. I ask myself everyday, how can I possibly make it through another day? And the thought of a week is almost too much to bear, seven of those things???? At any rate, I understand how suicide becomes an answer. I am trying not to make it mine. But it is awfully attractive.

its very attractive! i to have these thoughts daily , but the thought of what my kids and wife would go through stop me of acting on them.
recently things have got worse for me but just having them around me is making me stop , stand back and wonder about them . its a feeling i hope i can keep up.
but yes its very attactive........

this made me cry.

overdose wrote: i am sorry for all i will leave behind but its my only way

Guest wrote:Suicide is a terribly selfish act.

it's not the only way; it feels like the only way. there is another way, you just don't see it (yet).

if suicide is selfish, then what do you call it when those around want a person to stay alive only cause they want it to be so? how selfish is it to say "i don't think you should commit suicide because I don't want you to"???

I lost more than one person I loved to suicide. When I was a child my father was battling illness and drug addiciton. One night after arguing with my mother he asked her to close the door to then room on her way out. A few minutes later I walked into the room to look for something and found his body lying there, the blood dripping out of his head from the gunshot wound he put there. My mother couldn't cope and a few years later she overdosed. It may not have been an intentional overdose or not but a drug overdose death is an indirect suicide. The last loss I endured was my older brother would took his own life after drinking booze and pills. He at least left a note. My life has obviously been severly affected by this. I am deeply scarred and psychologically damaged years after all this. Whenever I get depressed or upset one of the first things that jumps into my mind is that I should end it all. If everyone else in my family did it why shouldn't I? I have to fight those thoughts and come up with reasons daily just to go on. The emptiness inside will never and can never be filled. Happiness is often an illusion to me. So to anyone who has family members, especially children, who is considering taking their own life, I ask you this? Is this what you want to do to them? Do you want to ruin their lives? Yes, your problems and pain may seem unsurmountable now, but with time, love and hope, they can be overcome no matter what. The problems that faced my family members then would have been gone by now if they were still here. Who know, maybe things would have even been much better. But they will never be better now because they're all gone. One suicide led to a cycle.

if suicide is selfish, then what do you call it when those around want a person to stay alive only cause they want it to be so? how selfish is it to say "i don't think you should commit suicide because I don't want you to"???

I caLL it having HOPE. Hope that the future will improve given a chance. And I do think it is a bit selfish to end your own pain without thinking of how it will affect those who love you. When you end your own life you are also ending part of the lives of those you love.

I had a very close friend who killed himself on May 15, 2005. He left his baby girl who wasn't a year old yet, and his fiance. He was 18 years old. Suicide is hard and it sucks and you can sit there and you can think of so many things. Why? What could I have done? Who could have stopped him? What was so hard, that he couldn't live anymore? I know that he had it hard in his life. But he had a life, he had a baby girl to watch grow and live. Thats suicide takes.
Its so hard when a friend dies for no reason. Its been a year and I still don't understand. I don't think I ever will, but you can't worry and wonder. Because it's done. I have grieved so much for him and I know that he wouldn't want me too. He was such a happy guy..I had a study hall with him and couple other friends. And some of the stuff he did would make you fall off your chair in laughter. I remember the day he dropped out of school, so he could get another job to support his daughter and future wife. I was in awe of how responsible he was and we all cried the day he left the school. How could we have known that 6 months later he'd be gone forever. We all thought it was so aweful that he was leaving school, we had no idea what pain was.
When I found out what had happened on May 15th, it was like a sludge hammer hit me in my guts. There's no explaination. I said it before he was such a happy guy, but everyone has pain and he had alot more. Was there something I could have done? I don't know. I can't dwell on it, if I do It'll make me crazy. There's so much I miss of him, so much I remember. And that's what you have to think of, the good times. Not the bad.

I am bipolar and my exboyfriend was bipolar and was untreated and got into some "trouble" and hung himself and left our son of only 6 months. This was 6 years ago but the pain still hurts so bad. It won't go away. I never have loved anyone like i loved another person like him.

I am married now for 5 years june 1st and my marriage is bad! My husband does not understand my illness and my grief!

I don't know how to explain to my 6 year old son (which is bipolar too) how his daddy died.. it would break his heart if he found out.

my father committed suicide when i was 12. it was a complete shock. my father wasnt bipolar. my father wasnt depressed. my father had absolutely no history of any mental ailments. he was my dad, my partner in crime, we were incredibly tight..he was teh "cool" dad :] we moved. he got a promotion, life got stressful. he developed a problem with his thyroid and in a matter of months it happened on april fools day. i wish it had been a joke. i was so embarrassed to tell anyone. we were new in town, no one knew who my dad really was. i was so scared everyone would assume my dad was 'crazy' or a bad person.still, not everyone knows..and i feel like i have to persuade anyone who i DO tell that my father wasnt a terrible, poor father, but the greatest father i cuold ever imagine. i've been angry with him, i dont know if i ever wont be, but i love him and always will. but i still find it unbearable to deal with the fact that he CHOSE to leave my life. Did he not realize that he'd never see me again? it jsut makes me feel that all my love didnt matter, that it wasnt enough to hold him back from doing it, i thought i was an important enough reason to make him stay :[ its a complete feeling of rejectoin, shame, and over all grief, i miss the memories i had with him so much, and i'll never ever understand why he HAD to leave..i tell myself that i wil never act as he did, but honestly, after his death, the thought has crossed my mind so many times, but i've promised myself that i'll never put my friends and family through the pain and constant battles he has put me through.

Kel63 I am sorry to hear of your loss. I was around your age when I lost my father to suicide as well. It is one of the hardest losses to bear. All the things that you've mentioned have gone through my mind as well. In the end you must realize that your father was not thinking rationally and therefore your love for him and his love for you had no bearing on his actions. It's not that he didn't love you, it's just that he fell into a pit of despair and couldn't climb out. Often suicidal people actually think that they are doing what is best for their family (in their despair, hopeless patterns of thought). You have gone through something nobody should have to. Stay strong and remember it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. In time your love for your dad will replace the anger. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

My Grandad killed himself in April 2005, he was 57.

I've never experienced something so horrendous.

I feel for everyone else who's had to live with this.

x x x