My mom is gone and I don't know what to do

Background: I was diagnosed for the first time with depression when I was about 9 and have struggled with it ever since (I'm now 27), so I'm not sure how much of my issues are related to ongoing depression or to grief. My mom died about a month ago, finally succumbing to the pancreatic cancer she was diagnosed with in December of 2006. My dad and I took care of her while she was sick, and a lot of the responsibility fell to me because as a veterinary technician I was more comfortable than the rest of my family with the nursing aspects of her care.

When she died, I mostly felt numb. There was some sense of relief, when I knew to expect after caring for her for so many months. I put aside quite a bit of my life for her care - I'm in school to get my MA, and I couldn't really do anything that kept me away from the house for long periods. With her death I should be able to focus on school more, which is a good thing...

But since school started last week, I've been a mess. I have numbness on and off, but mostly it's being replaced by constant pain. It's not even a pain that's related to specific memories, as far as I can tell - when I try to think of memories it's like I hit a brick wall and can't remember. But I hurt so much, most of the time. I cut classes today because I can't seem to get myself out the door. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and if one more thing happened it would kill me. It makes me want to go hide under the covers and never come out again.

I've been seeing a great therapist for about 3 years, and he's a big help. Yesterday when I went to see him, though, I couldn't even talk about this. I tried to get it out, the feelings I'm having, but it was as if I didn't have the energy to try to describe it. I ended up droning on about insignificant things, all the while frustrated that I wasn't saying what I wanted to.

I don't know what to do. I don't see a future right now. I am so afraid, and I miss my mom so much. I'm 27 and I feel like an orphaned zebra on the savanna, just waiting for some lion to come and eat me up. Meanwhile another part of me keeps telling me to just suck it up and get on with things, that everyone's parents die eventually and I'm making too big a deal of it all.

I am so sorry for your loss. You had said that you suffer from depression as well, which undoubtedly compounds your grieving. It is quite normal to feel numbness and relief shortly after the loss occurs. It sounds like you are trying to do too much, with school and everything. Trying to avoid the pain of your loss is normal, however it has to be dealt with. You said you are unable to verbally communicate your greif to your therapist. Maybe you could write your feelings down as you are feeling them, and then either read it at therapy, or give it to the therapist. It seems as though your mind is making you avoid facing the pain so it focuses on other insignificant things. This just shows you have a lot of feelings to deal with.

You can not just suck it up and get on with things. Trying to do that and avoid your greif will only make it that much harder later. People lose their parents at different ages and different points in their lives. Such a loss is real and painful no matter how old the person is. You will get through this no matter how hard it may seem.

Dear Cassiel240,
Everything that Screwed_Up said I second.
My mother died last October 16. She was 84. She had been very ill with Parkinson's disease for several years, and it was a relief when she finally was able to be freed of her suffering. Although she and I were not close, I do still miss her peppery personality and generous spirit. I was 62 when she died, but I felt like an orphan, too.

I am sorry for your loss. My mom died a year and a half ago at the age of 46 from an accidental drug overdose after my freshman year of college. In a sense, I always had to take care of her also. Growing up all I wanted was to graduate high school and move out so I could get away from all the pain her drug addiction caused me. She was a great mother but she had a disease that brought me so much pain, i secretly always wished she would die. (i dont know if i have ever admitted to that but it is true) I was 18 when she passed and my older brother was 25. He was in the military and traveled alot then he moved over 500 miles away less than a week after the funeral. I feel like I always got stuck with dealing with it all-- a few months ago I moved back in with my dad who is disabled because i feel guilty that he is alone. it is so hard.

I am reading a book now called the art of loving by erich fromm. in it he discusses that motherly love is the only love that is truly unconditional. That a mother will love her child before it is even born regardless of any mistakes the child will make, she will always forgive the child and support the child. it is hard to believe that I can exisist in a world without her. I feel like a part of me is gone- like there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by my mother.

I also missed a lot of school after she died. I dont know if i just didnt care or what but it seemed like everything moved in slow motion. No matter how long I prepared to get ready, I was always late. I was so forgetful and just plain out of it. I couldnt concentrate or think straight. Everything you are feeling is normal and will slowly slowly slowly get better. I wish you the best of luck in the grieving process.

Hi BeachBoo, sorry to interject here but I just wanted to say that I somewhat went through what you did/are. It was many years ago and I was younger than you at the time, but I also lost my mother to an accidental drug overdose. For awhile I didn't think it was accidental, but now realize it probably was. But regardless my mother took her own life in a sense because doing the drugs she was, was slow suicide. I loved my mom very much and I realize now that she was the best mother she could be. Part of myself was also lost when I lost her. I was left to raise myself...

But anyway, that's an interesting point that the author makes that only a mother can give unconditional love. I think its partly true, because I've seen some mothers who don't love unconditionally. I'm glad I am not their child. Perhaps they just don't have the proper maternal instinct.

Well I just wanted to say sorry for your loss but it will get better.

don't very be happy just wait and watch.

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I deeply feel for your loss. I hope that at some point soon you will be able to realize how much she gave you as your mother and be able to focus on that rather than the grief of hr not being with you in a literal way.
I just finished typing this quote on another thread but it suits this situation as well.
What we do for ourselves dies with us, but what we do for others remains, and is immortal.
A Pine.
You love your Mom and you always will. Take the things she taught you and strive to be a person that carries on those same gifts. This makes the world a better place for everyone. Share the love she gave you with others.
With Heart,
One

I was depressed for 10 years when my dad died. I wanted to end my life too but I was too afraid of what will happen to me when I die. I was also sad for my siblings and my entire family because I know they will be devastated and damaged if I do that. I realized that I will be very selfish if I do that so I just sucked it up and let it consume me. It affected my life and I couldn't get back the time that was lost. I know it's difficult, I have been there. But you have to want to have a good life for you to survive the depression. Your mom would want you to go on with your life. You mom is definitely sad of what is happening to you right now so you have to fight the sadness and live a better life because that's what she wants you to do. She isn't dead at all if you keep her close to your heart. Keep her memories with you and you wouldn't feel alone. I do that all the time. I really feel sorry for your loss and I hope this helps.

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