My mom died at age 54 from melanoma

On Monday, December 6, 2004, my mother died at 11:15 a.m. from
melanoma.

On President Day 2004, my mom had a biopsy. She was experiencing pain in her left armpit (axila) in December 2003. The Wednesday after
Presidents Day 2004, the results came back as positive of malignant
melanoma. We were recommended to a very well-known melanoma specialist oncologist at a cancer center in Pittsburgh. The oncologist
immediately put my mom on Interferon alfa-2b. (Interferon is a
naturally produced agent by the body to help with the immune system.
However, my mom was not producing enough Interferon to fight
thecancer.) Every Monday morning my mom would receive high doses of
Interferon. Then on other days my mom would receive the doses at home
at the Lombardi Cancer Center at Georgetown University Hospital.

By April, my mom was finished with the high-doses of interferon. She
received the self-injecting material.

By July-August, my mom went to Pittsburgh and told the oncologist of
the devistating side effects of Interferon and oncologist decided to
take my mom off and to just monitor closely every two months.

Then in mid October, the melanoma returned. She was admitted to
Georgetown University Hospital, just walking distance from our house.
She was on many pain-killing drugs and the fact that three or more
doctors at a time were asking her questions overwhelmed her. From
that, we learned about University Hospitals. (My mom was on
Chemotherapy pills. She began feeling pain in her liver area. The
melanoma spread to the lungs and liver.)

After school was out, I would walk to the hospital to visit my mom
where my dad was with her. On the Tuesday before Halloween, my dad
told me that the oncologist at Lombardi Cancer Center looked at my
mom's scans and concluded that there was nothing that medicine could
do to keep the cancer from spreading.

For the first two nights, I slept beside my mom on an easy chair while
my dad slept in the cancer ward's waiting room. It was hard to sleep,
because the nurse (who I actually had a crush on) kept coming in.
Also, a school mate of mine and my mom's former piano student, was an
intern at the hospital and happened to be assigned to the ward my mom
was in. So she would spend most of her time sitting with my mom, dad,
and I.

Once when we found out that my mom was not going to make it, I
suggested to my mom call my grandparents' minister. We called Pastor.
Pastor said that he would be stand by while we tell grandparents the
news. After the call to grandparents, Pastor came over.

When I returned to school, I was very depressed. I was waiting in the
chorus room with my classmates before first period class started. My
chorus teacher, who was a good friend of my mom's, was sympathetic of
my emotional pain. Everyone noticed at once that something was wrong
with me, because I am usually very, very perky (sometimes to the point
that I am annoying), and I was very quiet and looked sad. My chorus
teacher sent me up to the principals office who shares with the high
school division social worker. The principal took me home. He took me
in his car. He said, "I can only imagine what you're going through,
what's going on inside." I later learned that when he was fifteen, he
lost his father. (I was fifteen years old then.)

When I got home, my maternal aunt and I went back to the hospital. My
aunt came down from Alaska to help take care of my mom. Originally, my
mom was going to the NIH here in Washington, DC for treatment. But
however, before we began, it was too late.

Before I mentioned my schoolmate whose currently position on her
internship there. Her father was the former director of Cardiology at
Georgetown University Hospital. He and his wife recommended a hospice
that would allow patients to stay at home if desired.

We began taking my mom to a psychic in hopes of seeing the future and
healing my mom through meditation. We also tried acupuncture and
Chinese herbal medicine. (The acupuncturist has mostly cancer
patients, who need acupuncture to help boost the immune system, as the
immune system is weakened with cancer-like treatments.) In hearing the
wonders of Eastern Medicine practices for cancer patients, we were
hopeful that my mom would recover.

On Wednesday, November 3, 2004, my mom's best friend and colleague, my
accordion teacher. He is the Sergeant Major of the U.S. Army Band
Strolling Strings "Pershing's Own." He brought the strings over to our
house for a party. The U.S. Army Strings saluted my mom. Originally
they were booked at another gig, but the Col. Lamb knew my mom well
and really marveled at my mom's accomplishments (especially being the
First Femalr Sergeant Major to lead the U.S. Army Band Strolling
Strings) that he allowed the strings to attend to my mom's musical
therapy needs.

I would sometimes sleep over at the hospice with my dad. My
grandparents also came in town to visit my mom. My aunt went back home
to Alaska.

Our minister at the time was taking care of the spiritual needs of my
mom. She came over frequently to my mom, at home and at the hospice
unit. (My mom once did have to go to the Hospice Unit for palliative
medicine changes.)

Then on Monday, December 6, 2004, I was waiting in the hall for
Algebra 1 class to begin. The principal said come with him. We road
the elevator down. He walked me to the front of the building outside.
When I saw my dad, I knew my mom died. "She passed away," my dad said
very sadly. We immediately went to the hospice to be with my mom's
body before the mortician came. I stayed alone in the room with her
for two hours.

The next day, my dad met our minister at the funeral home. Joseph
Gawlers. We made all the arrangements with the advice of our minister
Melinda.

We had the funeral two weeks later, so it would give everyone time to
come. (Ret. Lt. Col. T. Cason came in from Los Angeles, he worked with
my mom when he was conducting the band "Pershing's Own.")

I played the accordion while my cousin Monica, on my dad's side played
the piano. At the funeral we played, "Oblivion" by Astor Piazzolla,
one of his most famous compositions. I gave a eulogy and my dad gave
one too, with me convincing him.

On Monday, December 20, 2004, my mom was interred in section 34 at
Arlington National Cemetery. With the band that my mom was in, in the
Army, they worked closely with Arlington Cemetery. My mom retired in
1997/1998. She was permanently stationed at Fort Myer, on the same
grounds as Arlington National Cemetery. That is how we got a burial
date so soon. However, we were supposed to have a military funerary
band at the burial service, but it was too cold.

My mom's death was the most emotionally painful experience that I have
so far experienced. I have a hard time practicing accordion now,
because she was always their practicing with me and whenever we had a
problem that was specific to the accordion, we would ask my teacher,
Manny Bobenrieth. I don't practice that much. It seems like the second
year is harder.

My dad and I joined a support group in February 2004 for a hospice in
Montgomery County Maryland. Then we went to another support group at
the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing (wendtcenter. org).

No more music in our house from her. However, I think my dad and I
received an after-death- communication event from my mom. One time we
were eating dinner in the kitchen at the exhaust fan went off in the
stove. I tried to turn it off, but it was already in the off position.
About ten minutes later, my dad went to turn of the circuit breaker
for the exhaust fan. Approximately five minutes later, the fan turned
off. (This happening was about in late September 2006.) I have read
just the first chapter of "Hello From Heaven" and did some online
researching about the paranormal and saw A Haunting and Mosted Haunted
on the Travel and Discovery channels and talked about after death
communication.

I miss my mom. She was only 54 years old. I need her.

I would like some ideas on grieving activities. I have tried lighting
candles, writing letters, I have even tried crying, and other things. I
am seventeen years old, and it is not easy to lose your mom when she
died at age 54. that was Monday, December 6, 2004. I am a scheduled
person, so what would be good to do on a Monday, night, Tuesday, Wed,
etc.? I am tired of suggestions and I am tired of non-biased views on
grief.

You can help me by first visiting http://burchedean. blogspot. com and
reading my mom's memorial. Then tell me how you personally think I
should grieve. I can't think of any more ways to grieve. I am grieving
as hard as I can, but I don't know how. Please, do not use phrases such
as "I suggest," or "I think," or "This has helped me" "this is what I
do." or "maybe you could..." instead just say do this, do that. I feel
that I will benefit from getting biased views on how I personally
should grieve.

Its been over 22 years since my partner died of melanoma. He was only 42. I was so angry at the cancer I just seethed with a kind of debilitating rage for a couple of years. To this day when I see or hear about melanoma I get a surge of anger.
In the intervening 22 years the anger has been supplanted by many good experiences, but there will always be a place in my soul where a frustrated warrior sits on a devastated battlefield with his fallen comrade cradled in his arms.
I would not presume to tell anyone else how to feel grief. When my partner had just died, and I was in extreme distress, my mother said things will get better. She was right, even though it took a long time.