Is this exteme anxiety?

Although I understand this is not very original, I would really appreciate some advice.

I am just so d*mn afraid of being left. It's killing me. My parents have both abandoned me over and over and over again and I can't get things normal with them. My dad left me when I was a kid and still lives abroad. My mom lets me live at her house (I'm 18) and I know that she loves me, but I can't trust her ether.

I've had a boyfriend for almost two weeks now. We had a great time together but in my heart I'm already afraid that he's going to leave me. The past two weeks I've spent at his house pretty much and I already met his family. Everyone likes me. I get along with this guy. We understand eachother. He said he loved me but I don't believe anyone who says that after just two weeks. I didn't want to grow attached to him, I didn't want to get into this again. We had a small political argument a few hours ago, and now I'm already preparing for him to dump me and it HURTS me. But you know, when I have a small political argument with my father he won't talk to me for a month so what the hell am I supposed to expect from other people? This is my first boyfriend in two years anyway.

Two years ago I had a boyfriend, but he was psychotic and he commited suicide. After he died I haven't really been with many guys, except for a few flings. You maybe thinking that I'm one of those whiney annoying teenagers that keep talking about how crappy their life is, but I am not. I never talk about my feelings, I can't, when I try I feel like a robot. I hate drawing attention to myself. But I HATE being alone even more.

For TWO years I've been alone. I neglected my friends, I used drugs and alcohol, and I was happy that way. In the morning I would snatch amphetamines (prescription drugs I abused) and at school I'd be all happy and nice, in the afternoon I'd drink loads of coffee and use more amphetamines, I would hang out with friends or associate with my family and that all went GREAT when I was on that sh*t. At night I'd use a little more, have a drink or two smoke some weed. Then after it got dark and everyone slept I'd get lonely and afraid of silly things like the dark, the dark would drive me insane, and I watched tv and sometimes used more and more and stay up all night long.

After having a fight or argument with my mom, my boyfriend or a friend or after having a bad day at school (bad result, fight with someone, not that the latter happens alot) the following happens: 1. I feel panick, deep panick, sickness, I feel pain and I feel miserable. I feel like nothing will ever be the same and like life is worthless. This lasts only a few minutes. I also look for signs to confirm that my fear is grounded and see signs everywhere that people hate me/will leave me or that something is never going to be the same again 2. I try to think tough, that it doesn't really matter because many things go wrong with many people and when you have a fight or something it doesn't mean that people are going to leave you, I try to be rational 3. I think that I could always move to my dad (like I said, he lives abroad) and start over again or that I could pack my bags and leave the situation whenever I want to. I think of people and places I could go to for a few days or for a long time, depending on the situation. And then I feel reliefed.

Also, I think that I'm bad. I lie constantly. I am angry. I don't respect my parents anymore, even though I'm ashamed of that. I lie to my dad easily and to my mom too, I don't get agressive, I don't start fights with them, but I lie to them easily. Maybe this is a form or lying to, but whenever I'm in a fight with people I will say I'm sorry after a while, even though I'm not, just to stop the arguments, because I don't have the power for it. I will take back my words and throw my principals overboard. I don't argue when people ask me for something, I tend to avoid getting in arguments. When I dissappoint my mom and dad I'll just be lazy about it, appologyze a bazillion times and promise to change. It feels useless and I'm afraid that I'll get in a big argument or a big fight with them about silly things.

Yes this whole story sounds weird and trollish and f'd up I know! But I'm a kid just. I don't want this pain. I don't want to depend on drugs or people. I fear losing everything and I can't be alone. Is this sepperation anxiety and what the hell can I do? Thank you so much for reading and sorry for the bad grammar and spelling, English is my second language.

Welcome to the forum, Alephbeit, and don't worry about your spelling or grammar, your post was very readable to me.

Is it possible for you to talk to a therapist or psych about some of this? I'd agree that it's bad to rely on illegal drugs or alcohol, and there are other ways to handle the pain and go on with what you want in life. It seems like there's many different issues involved, and at 18 you're still figuring yourself and the world out, but perhaps if you get some help with that, it might get easier.

I don't think I can comment on being alone vs. being dependent, since this is something I have issues with myself. But again, it's something you could tackle with a therapist, and find a balance that works for you and those you want to be with.