Horrible thoughts after doing something bad

Hi there,

I should start by saying that I've suffered a mild form of OCD for eight years (having little rituals for certain things) and I'm also emetaphobic which causes me anxiety, however I always just about managed OK. A little while back I did a bad thing and hurt someone badly for my own gain. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions at the time but when I recently decided to have a real think about my behaviour of late I had a complete breakdown and was consumed with endless guilt, (couldn't eat or sleep for days) sadness and self loathing for hurting someone I love. I cannot believe I did something mean because I cannot reconcile it with who I know myself to be,which is someone who loves people and animals and has compassion and empathy. I received forgiveness from the person I wronged and am making a concerted effort to improve myself.

I was abused by my dad (who I have forgiven) when I was younger, though I dont want to attribute blame since my bad actions were caused by myself. I dont want to be like him at all, but now I'm terrified I will be. I have unpleasant thoughts about hurting people I love which upsets and scares me senseless. I'm making a concerted effort to be a much nicer person and these horrible thoughts keep coming to my mind like what if I lose control (or my mind) and hurt someone which I never want to do What's wrong with me, I know that I would never ever intentionally hurt someone, especially a loved one again so why the thoughts? I will never act on them and I know this but they scare me nonetheless.

Hi Bex90,
I recently told my therapist about a very similar problem. I was having very intrusive thoughts about violently hurting people I know/live with. It has happened my whole life. If I feel guilty or ashamed of something I did to someone, no matter what it was, "killing" them off in my head helps take away a little of the guilt, ironically. If I let myself have those thoughts, it's like I don't have to worry anymore about whether or not they are thinking bad things about me. It's twisted, but it's like, I did something wrong to them, leads to me feeling guilty and worried that they hate me, leads to thoughts of hurting them, leads to my no longer feeling worried that they hate me. It's also almost like getting back at them just for their "role" in whatever the situation was.

But nevertheless, the thoughts are awefully frightening, as I know in real life I would never want to do this. My counselor had me make a sandtray, (which, if you don't know what that is, it's a large tray of sand that you put little plastic figurines in to make a scene) in which I could play out all my violent fantasies to anyone I wanted. It was okay, because it was confined to the tray, and couldn't leave the tray. I was able to take the thoughts and do something with them. I made alligators attack figures that were my "roommates" and went to town!

Is there some way you can get these thoughts out of your head and in the real world, yet safely? Like playing a violent videogame? Or smashing objects? I love to smash objects

Big hugs to you, let us know how you're doing.

hey,
the unpleasant thoughts sound to me like they might be a symptom of either ocd or gad, I have experienced this sort of thing before. The way I understand it, when you have an unpleasant thought and then you try and push it away, avoid it or attach feelings of guilt or anger or fear or whatever, then it is like you're giving the thoughts fuel to come back more and more. I know it seems hard, as I struggle with ocd/gad with checking things and it drives me mad and I can't seem to apply this method, but, if you are able to just let the thought come into your head, observe it, but not judge the thought or start analysing, attaching emotion etc, then the thought is just that, a thought. My therapist told me about the pink elephant exercise, where you have to try and not think about a pink elephant for a minute, and the point is when you're trying not to think about it, that's all you can think about. I think this is the same for unwanted, unpleasant thoughts.
Have you ever tried doing relaxation or breathing exercises? I first learnt one of these about ten years ago which helped me with panic disorder at the time. I have chronic anxiety, and I do know it can seem impossible to try things like breathing when things seem totally on top of you, but it's worth trying to learn an exercise and practise it if you can. I started yoga about 6 years ago and have since learnt lots of breathing exercises both in yoga and in therapy, and though I'm still not great at doing them, they can help so much. The theory is if your body is relaxed, it's almost impossible for your mind not to be too.
yo-yo