Dealing with my psycho-mother

Hey guys,

So I am sorry to post this but don't where to turn. Currently I am in my mid-twenties but have never been able to stand my mother. She is an absolute b*tch.

When I was about 8 years old my mother had an affair on my mother. Something she never apologized for to this day. After the affair she turned into this huge gigantic c*nt. Her and my father constantly argued of which 90% of the arguments she would start. If we went on holidays or vacations she would throw temper tantrums and pretty much ruin the holiday. I associate this as one of my anxiety triggers..I always worried about where and when my parents were going to start fighting and if my mom was going to explode on me.

She was incredibly rude and mean to myself and my sister. I got the feeling she resented us because she wanted to be with the guy she cheated on my Dad with. She constantly yelled at us, told us we'd be a failures, and constantly bad mouthed us. My parents were always fighting constantly and I still remember the vile disgusting things she said to my father. I don't even know why my father decided to stay with her. He was trying to make it work while my mom was an absolute bitch about it. The only reason she stayed with my Dad was because she had a dead end job and financially couldn't be on her own. When I was younger I tried so hard to connect with her but it was all in vein. No matter how hard I tried I'd get a cold shoulder. She was so unsupportive of me that it made me sick. When I was applying for Universities she'd say I should look for a job because I wouldn't get accepted. When I was in school she said I probably wouldn't finish and that was OK because I had never been good at school. She also always thought I was lying and gossiped about me with my family. She'd spread rumors that I was gay, that I did steroids, that I was failing in school, and she found condoms in my room when I was younger and assumed I was a sex addict (even though I was still a virgin at the time).

Now that I'm older I still have absolutely no respect for her. She wants to reconnect with me and doesn't understand why I want nothing to do with her. I am closed off and pretty mean to her but I just can't stand being around her. You can't really talk about past issues with my mother because her defense mechanism is to try and dumb things down and make them not a very big deal. If you bring up hurtful or something she did wrong she'll just ignore it. Nothing is ever her fault and she's never really admitted to doing anything wrong.

I am just not sure what to do. I feel so guilty sometimes because of how mean I can be to her but every time I see her it's hard for me to get passed all things she did growing up. I can't really talk to her or trust her on anything because we are just totally different people. And I can't really talk about anything with her because she can't really relate.

I just don't know how to approach this?

Hi, Mr. Anxiety! How often do you have to be around her? Hmmmm how does she try to reconnect with you? Maybe you could just avoid seeing her as much as you can and when you do have to be around her, have something ready to talk about, something that doesn't make you feel triggered and isn't too personal. Keep things distant and polite, do you think that might work? You could also turn this into phone calls instead of visits and just see her in person very rarely.
She really was a horrible parent. I'm sorry you went through that, my mother did similar stuff and I can't stand her either.

Perhaps confront her politely about some of the things that she has done. I know that guilty feeling you were speaking of, but sometimes it is the right thing, or better off for you. If she denies these things or ignores it, then I would either not see her in person/phone calls rarely, maybe she will own up to something. Sorry you had to have a parent like that.

-tate

She sounds like she has some major issues. I had a friend who's mother blamed him and his siblings for her life, like it sucks because she had them and all, and I myself have problems with my mother so I will tell what I would do because I feel like I have some experience in this "mother" area.

Give her a chance, but don't do it because you feel guilty, do it for yourself, to gets answers possibly. Maybe she's a different person, and if she is not, maybe you can get something out of her by confronting her about it. If she acts the same way, then that's it, chance gone, cut her off. And believe me, I know how hard it is to separate yourself from the mommy, I still haven't done it fully. I feel like everyone would have trouble with that, I mean, it's mother. We have this picture of a nurturing soul and not all mothers are. If you still have trouble with dealing with the fact that you had a #######5 mother, attach yourself to other people. And by attach I mean find others who can give you what she should have, you know, support, love, kindness, the works. Maybe you have those people, I don't know, and if you do, that's great, because I am not sure I do. All I know is that it's nice to have loving people around, not just family, but friends.

Thanks for all the support guys.

Ya she has severe mental issues. I attribute most of my mental issues I have today to her. Genetically and from the environment I grew up in around her.

Unfortunately to this day I do not trust woman and try to avoid them as much as possible. I am not sexist by any means but because my negative experiences with my mother my outlook on females is pretty negative. I see them as cheating, lying, nasty, mean and self serving people. Even though this is far from the truth for the majority but because of my mother it is hard for me to shake that stereotype.

I feel bad for being rude to her and kind of ignoring her when I'm around but..I really have no desire to want to connect with her. I mean..all the horrible stuff she did to me and my family in the past she just pushes under the rug like nothing happened. I'm actually ashamed of myself that I got half of her tainted messed up/psycho gene!

It's understandable, many women who have gone through bad experiences with men from then on see them as scum. And you should not feel bad, you are allowed to feel that way toward her and you shouldn't feel bad about it. If this is what you feel is best, then go with it. Best of luck to you, love.

Mr.Anxiety wrote:Thanks for all the support guys.
I am not sexist by any means but because my negative experiences with my mother my outlook on females is pretty negative. I see them as cheating, lying, nasty, mean and self serving people. Even though this is far from the truth for the majority but because of my mother it is hard for me to shake that stereotype.

It doesn't help the fact that likely you feel more 'confortable' around girls that mimic your moms behavior because you 'been there and done that' so you know how to handle the situation.
The key to your recovery is to get close to girls your age that are decent persons and good listeners. It's pretty easy to spot them, just watch if they bad mouth someone who isn't there at the moment.
Nobody can guarantee that your next relationship will work, but I can say for sure that most women are not like your mom was.