anxiety towards employment

time to write another lengthy blog on this in the blog section...

I could hardly make it through school..
And jobs were a horrible nightmare of confusion and grief. Except being a rock drummer.
No ability to choose any direction of any kind. I felt completely freaked out, outside or in. Its that simple. Lost is a better term for it. Would rather off myself then be like that...
cannot be myself on a worksite. All worksites seem like Prison camps to me. They make me dissociative. My mind goes out when I think of them.. .. Im just a slave in a box with knifes going through the top, dropping down on me in every direction...

Im a sensitive kind art person in a world that has been beyond my comprehension. A world beyond my grasp. I have no idea how anyone can make any sense out of any of it..
I have never functioned in reality.. Never ever....
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And when I attempt recovery work, really work hard at it to get better, I get judged for not having a real job...

I go to places like church, or 12 step meetings or the coffee shops. People see me. Im just trying. Trying to be outside. Trying. " Well, if you can go to church, you can get a job'. Their so dumb. Its beyond my belief. Im just trying to practice. I cant practice in my apartment. How am I suppose to get better. Its enough for me just to show up to something. Anything. I get judged so much. Its enough to make a person stop in their tracks and give up..

Im just practicing.
I wish they would help me.
Im just trying to remember who I am...

Hey! I've had anxiety toward employment, getting out of the house having to deal with people etc. too, it sure sucks. Do you think it will get better for you?