Can only attend CMHT when had a few drinks!!

I've been seeing the same CPN (my first) since April, for the first 5 weeks she and another CPN visited me at my house once a week, she then said it's their usual policy to see clients at the CMHT base and that from the week after my appointments would take place at the same time, but with only one CPN at their base. I explained I find it very difficult and daunting to leave the house on my own and it would raise my anxiety levels to an unbearable level. She said she would leave the ball in my court and it's upto me if I attend my appointments or not, she said she won't worry if I don't turn up, because she doesn't want to put any pressure on me. I tried the first week, I was sick until there was nothing left to come up then couldn't get off my driveway because I thought I was having a heart attack, I tried again the next week and the same thing happened. I text her and explained what was going on and she text back and said 'no worries, no pressure, you will make it in your own time'.

Because I was feeling extremely low and desperate for some support, I stupidily had a few cans of Strongbow before my appointment the next week, I was quite drunk and managed to book myself a taxi to the CMHT, I talked to her for about 30 mins, we didn't go into anything in much detail, just a chat and I got a taxi home. I had an awful hangover the next morning so I must have been quite drunk. I did the same the next week except I had an extra can, again I felt quite drunk, we had our usual brief chat and I left. This went on for a few weeks, we have never talked about anything important, just 30 mins of very general chit chat. I went to see her last week, I didn't have any cider in so I had a few glasses of vodka and orange, I staggered into the taxi, almost fell off the chair in her office, I felt like I was slurring my speech, we chatted about general things (I don't remember much of what was said) and I left. Unless she is blind or stupid she must notice I'm intoxicated everytime I see her, but yet she never mentions it??? I keep wanting her to say something, she ignores it. They even have a sign in the waiting room saying 'Our staff are not permitted to work with drunk patients, if you have been drinking you will be asked to leave the premises'. I'm very confused.

Anyway, it's reached a point now where I don't feel like it's right that I should have to have a drink to be able to attend my appointments, it's expensive, i'm putting myself at risk (I almost got hit by a bus last week crossing the road) and i'm not able to show my true self to my CPN. I'm just kidding myself.

I'm tempted to write a letter telling her that i've been attending my appointments drunk, i'll explain that it was purely to allow me to comfortably leave my house, nothing more. I'm worried that she will tell me not to come back or that i'll get into trouble. She has been certain from day one that she isn't going to go anymore home visits. I only leave my house once a week now and that's to go and see her. I really don't know what to do.

Hi, poppet6! Is there anyone who could walk you to the place where you'll see your CPN? Maybe it'd get better after they walk with you a few times. You should be honest with her and maybe ask for some meds that might help with your awful anxiety too.
How about printing your post and showing it to her? Maybe she will understand.