Looking for some advice

It's my first post here so hello everyone. I've got a lot of things on my mind and some questions as well, and since I don't have anyone that I feel comfortable talking to about these things, I figured I would ask for opinions here. I don't really know where to start but here it goes.

I'm a 23 year old man, and I feel stuck at a very uncomfortable and seeminly hopeless situation. Most of my old friends moved away to study som years ago (as did I), and as a result I lost contact with them. It took me a long time to figure out that the subject I was studing wasn't really for me, and I wasted several years in a school without achieving much of anything. I didn't attend many classes so I didn't get to know anyone new, and when I didn't contact my old friends I got really isolated over time. I've never been good with people, but I've never felt this alone before, either.

Worst of all, however, is the fact that I get very anxious around women, and as a result I've never had a girl friend. This is the point where some of my old friends are starting to have children of their own, yet I haven't even had my first love yet. I don't consider myself to be unattractive, in fact I'm fairly happy with the way I look, and it seems to me that some of the women that I find attractive feel the same way about me. Unfortunately this doesn't change the fact that I've always lacked confidence and thus been unable to make a move.

For a long time I thought I had social anxiety (and perhaps I do), but the more I've read about it and the more I've thought about it, I actually think I have performance anxiety. Everything about a relationship with a woman feels right to me, and I want it more than anything. When I recall a situation about a cute girl that smiled at me in the store I feel great, but when I actually am in the store I feel nauseous and my whole body numb. I can't think straight, much less be myself. Worst of all is that due to the way I start to feel around women, I actually start to avoid the situation I enjoy thinking about. This is my biggest problem, and I have no idea how I am supposed to deal with these situations.

Here's what I've tried so far. I went to talk with the schools psychiatric nurse, which in my opinion wasn't very helpful. Before I went to talk to her the first time I wrote her a detailed description about why I wanted to talk to her. When I met with her we explored the issues I had told her about, but it felt very difficult and at many points impossible to be truthful with her. On top of this it didn't help that during the 10 or so times that I met with her we didn't really make any headway, we basically talked about how things had been since the last meeting, but we never made any solid plans as to how to tackle the issues, and eventually I just got frustrated with the whole thing.

I've also tried to start thinking differently. That is to say that I've started to cut down on the negative thinking and even tryed to think in a more encouraging way about myself, and I think that it has helped to a certain degree. This spring I decided to apply to a new school and I've also picked up some new hobbies and made contact with a couple of old friends, but while I definitely think this is an improvement, I don't really think this alone will solve my problems, and I'm again starting to feel like I might need some professional help. I have however thought about maybe saving some money and go to see an actual doctor that specializes with performance anxiety and that would have experience with things like sexual dysfunction etc., because while I haven't ever had sex, the fear and the preassure is enough to make me avoid it, and this is definitely a part of life I want to experience.

I would be very interested to hear if there are others like me here, and in case there is someone who has had problems like mine and overcome them, I am very anxious to hear about it, because currently I'm at a bit of a loss. Personally I feel that seeing the psychiatrist would probably be the most helpful solution, but I'm afraid I will just be unable to admit my problems once again, and in that case I don't really see how even a professional could help me. I would be very greatful for any suggestions or comments, thank you.

Hi Fred! I am new here too but I am not new to a lot of the problems you wrote about. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and feel the way you do. One of the things I got out of your 'story' is that you not being passive about wanting to feel better about your self and are willing to work at it!
But you also are very critical of yourself , with some very high expectations to 'fix your issues', yesterday! Perhaps you are comparing yourself and what you should being doing regarding school, friends and especially about girls. There is no rule out there that says that every 23 year old man has to know what he wants to study or know even know what he wants out of friendships and relationships.
Try not comparing yourself to others. Get to know who you are by learning to ease up on yourself and putting your energy into the things, subjects and people you enjoy.
Learn ways to help you build up your self-confidence, work on how you can feel better and better about you! Happiness and all the rest of it is not conditional on having the approval or even the support of friends and others. Happiness and feeling good about yourself is about listening to your gut. Be true to yourself, do what interests you.
I wonder if part of what makes you have so much anxious feelings when you are around a woman, is all that pressure you are putting on yourself to make the right impression on her, because that's kind of what you've seen other guys do to win a girl over, in the past.
Not everyone has to or wants to get married and have kids when they are in their early 20's...it's just not for everyone! The age thing is not really important as far as meeting the right person, because no one knows when that will happen. Everyone is different and unique.

Going to a social worker or a therapist who has experience working with people who are suffering from anxiety in general is a great idea. Talk it out, get some feed back, some advise! Learn how to eventually give yourself good feed back and advise.
You are on a journey, your life! Trying to work out and figure out what you want in your life is part of the journey. You are looking for some answers right now and give yourself permission to take as much time as you need to...it's all part of the process of growing and learning.
Try to stop thinking so far ahead and in so much detail. stay in the moment and be present.
Have you read anything about Mindfulness? There are some great videos on You Tube on "Mindfulness"
I suspect you are a perfectionists too...you over think everything, especially about meeting a woman! The more you learn to be comfortable in your skin and not wander off into creating futuristic scenarios , nor looking back with regret, the easier it will be to be in the company of a woman and people in general.
Perhaps you lost your old friends partially because you all were growing in different directions and so you continue on and you eventually make new friends!
Don't use negative words about yourself anymore. If you make a mistake, let's say, don't call yourself stupid, forgive yourself, laugh it off and move on!
I hope my words are helpful and I hope you feel a bit better, now.
Invest well in yourself and you will have great returns as you continue to mature
All the best to you, Fred!
CTD

Thanks a million Carlton. Your post is very encouraging and I can definitely see a lot of wisdom in your words. I've never considered myself a perfectionist before, but when it comes to women and relationships, maybe I am. I definitely have very high expectations of myself in that regard, and maybe that is part of the problem. I'll try to follow your advice as best I can and hopefully my self-esteem will grow over time. I've actually already tried the whole "don't use negative words about yourself"-approach, and to my surprise it has worked quite well.

As for going to a therapist, I'd love to hear some advice on how to approach this. What I mean is, like I described in my first post, I already went to the schools social worker and it didn't feel like we were making any headway. The first few times it felt good that there was someone who knew about my problems, but after a while it started to get frustrating. I had a very hard time opening up to her even though I knew she wouldn't talk about my private things to anybody (the only time I REALLY opened up was in the e-mail I sent her before our first session), and I'm just afraid that the same thing will happen again, and I'll just end up sitting silent most of the the time just nodding and agreeing with the therapist for every session.

There's also some good news however, as I got the school's test results back and it turns out I got in. While I'm very happy I got in I'm also pretty nervous seeing as part of the reason I chose this school was because I thought it could help me improve my social skills and self-esteem, seeing as it's kind of required in this field, and I hope up I'll be able to keep with others in that regard (getting out there and being social, that is). I'm definitely exited about the idea of getting to know some new people though.

Thanks again CarltonTheDoorman, I really appreciate that you replied and made such a great post trying to help me.

Hi Fred!
Hey, as far as opening up or not, or how much to a social worker/therapist depends on how comfortable you are with that person and also how good they are at helping you to open up, as well.

Sometimes it takes awhile until you start to feel like you can take the chance and also trust the other person enough to share more intimate details about your life.
But you have got to take some chances with people and perhaps if you started opening up a little bit at a time with whomever you are seeing for therapy, then it will become easier and easier for you to open up. A bit at a time also gives you the opportunity to see how the social worker/therapist responds and if you feel OK or not about them.
Just sitting, saying nothing makes it difficult for you to be understood and helped in the right ways for you.
Sometimes, you have to try out a few different therapists until you find one that fits your personality, is sensitive to who you are.
It's like finding and making friends and relationships...sometimes it takes several tries until you discover the people who feel 'right' for you, who are a good 'fit'.
You have every right to speak and also to disagree with the therapist, if that's how you feel, at the time. That's part of the way you learn to find your own voice.

Congrats on school!!! That's just great It sounds like you chose an appropriate school for yourself, so I think you do have more insight into yourself than you give yourself credit!
Don't even think about if and how you'll 'keep up' with everyone else, just be happy that you got in and don't think beyond just being there on the 1st day of school and on time!
You will probably discover a lot of other students who remind you of your own anxieties and social fears etc., and because you know what all that feels like, I'd bet you'll be a very understanding man.
Don't let yourself hide away once you start this school, but give it and you a chance to grow and open up, a bit at a time. Sometimes we think that all we are feeling is that dreaded anxiety, but it can also be like emotional growing pains and pangs.
Don't set yourself up to fail by thinking so much detail about your future. Even if you don't entertain one more thought about anything past today, tomorrow will still come and be tomorrow, anyway.

I know how you feel! I've had major anxiety and social anxiety all my life and I still have it, but I understand so much better how to deal with it and so, I can relate!
Sometimes when I am around people and I can feel that knot in the pit of my stomach and I just want to disappear, I turn it around by putting a smile on my face and a smile in my voice...it helps.
People also respond much better to me when I do that. It took me a long time to figure out that I am not the only one out there who is suffering inside and needs a friendly person to greet me.

I hope this is helpful to you and I have a sense that you are a super nice guy and you are going to have a good life, in spite of all the bumps and hurdles you are fearing you'll not get through.

Try to have a good summer and do stuff that is fun...makes you feel good and light-hearted and maybe even a bit giggly.

Check this out on You Tube: http://youtu.be/rSU8ftmmhmw (It's about mindfulness and it's fantastic!)
If you want a good laugh and Laugh therapy is really healthy for you...http://youtu.be/31TTcjYw0hQ

With both videos, there are lots of other interesting videos that are worth checking out
Enjoy!
CTD

Hi again, I'm very sorry about the very slow reply, I read your message many days ago but then something came up and I just forgot to reply altogether. Thanks again for the inspiring advice, I'll definitely try my best to follow it. I'll also take a look at the videos you suggested once I get a chance!

I'm now faced with something I haven't done before and it feels impossible to do. There's a girl I know who I'd like to ask out. We lived in the same apartement for a couple of months (along with some other people as well) and during that time I got to know her pretty well, which is vary rare considering that I generally shy away from women like her. She's very sweet and kind and really cute also, and I feel like I really really should ask her out. The problem is that I'm still too scared to do so.

She's 3 years younger than me but she's still got way more experience with relationships than me, which isn't a big surprise. She's found a new apartement and she's moving out today, so I think it would be the perfect time to ask her out, but even though I know what I should do, I'm too scared to do it. All these potential scenarios keep racing through my head, and now I'm basically more afraid of her saying yes than her saying no. I mean if she says yes, then what?

I've tried really hard not to think bad things about myself, but I feel quite convinced that (assuming that she would even accept the offer) if I'd go on a date with her I would totally screw it up by having a panic attack in front of her or something. It's one thing to talk to her and hang out with her as friends but quite another to actually go out with her. I mean this would be my first official date, so I don't expect myself to be Casanova or anything, but we get along so well and I don't want to ruin that by showing her what a nervous mess I usually am around women.

What should I do? On one hand I feel I'm not ready for this, but on the other hand a girl like her wont be single for very long and I'm so afraid of losing this amazing opportunity. I mean if I get used to putting things off and playing it safe, who's to say I won't be doing the same choices a decade or more from now as well? I just don't know what to do.

You do want to be a Casanova! And you also are 'addicted' to playing the pity card especially to yourself...you've got yourself so convinced that the absolute worst is going to happen to YOU! I almost think you kind of get off on the the feeling of putting yourself down to the extent that you do! Change that up and pull yourself up and clean yourself up, then go speak to her.

No one else is going to stand up for you and no one else can take risks for you.
Take a deep breath, check your breath too! and make your move, man!
You don't live in a perfect world and there are no perfect real people in this world, so quite worrying! Go do it !!!
Good luck
CTD