My anxiety is starting to scare me

It is =\. And sorry in advance for this being a long post. I know it can be a pain to just sit and read, and most of you probably wont.. But I don't feel like I can shorten it up without leaving out possibly pivotal details

I've posted here a little before and I detailed a bit a while back in the depression forum because my problem seems to be a combination of anxiety and depression.. But my depression seems more leveled out in that it's not still progressing, my anxiety however, constantly increases.

It's a weird anxiety, too. It doesn't happen as much during the day and it doesn't happen when I'm with my friends. But when I go home and I'm alone and I try to go to sleep, $#%^ hits the fan >.<'. I guess I'll give a few details as to what it's doing to me:

-I can't sleep. I'll go nights without it. Even if I feel tired, as soon as I lay down, I get a huge rush of energy and I just can't doze off. I'll literally lay in my bed all night long fighting with it trying to get sleep, but I can't. Nothing works.. Meditation, breathing exercises, certain foods... Nothin'

-I get bad thoughts. I think about the fact that someday I'm going to lose some of the people I love. I know that's a random thought, but it keeps reoccurring, and when it starts I can't take my mind off it. I start thinking of the possibility that anything could happen to anybody anytime. Hell, people I love could be gone tomorrow. It messes with my head to the point where I just start tearing up.

-I can't get off thoughts of previous mistakes. I feel like I've ###$ up my life a lot and I don't think I can completely repair it all. I have essentially ###$ over people I care about numerous times without meaning to and it keeps coming into my mind and I ask myself "how did I let that happen? What is wrong with me?" and "why the ###$ did I do that!?".

Usually the best thing I can do to break these things is just get up and smoke a cig.. Just try to relax a bit before trying to go back to sleep, only to end up repeating the entire process.


This isn't why my anxiety scares me as much, but this is something that worries me because I feel like it's taking control. What scares me is the physical issues I've been having. I don't know if I should attribute my symptoms to my anxiety of my physical health. It doesn't help that I just got off a 2-year drug addiction with a drug that's very harmful to my health either.. Maybe I just ###$ myself up taking drugs?

I get heart palpitations a lot. Numb hands, too. Occasional pains my chest.. You know, all that jazz that can scare people. I like to go on walks and sometimes I'll be out of breath after just walking a few blocks.. However, this only happens when I'm by myself I think.. Maybe it's just that when I walk with friends I don't notice things as much. It scares me because these all point to heart complications, and I'm only 21... But the drug I was addicted to (prefer not to name it here) does "target" the heart.

Because of this I'm incredibly stressed on my health. Every time something happens I freak out, which is strange because I used to, well, not care. I still don't, though, I don't think. I stress hard but I don't do $#%^ about it. For some reason I can't bring myself to consistently exercise well and diet well. I just do it here and there >.<', and I sort of hate myself for being like that.

I've went to doctors and they did say my heart is fast (120 bpm).. But didn't know why. They did some heart tests and things appeared okay. This leads me to think that maybe my health problems are just anxiety related (which if I was sure of that, it would eliminate most of my anxiety haha).. But there's something in my head that sort of thinks otherwise. I secretly kind of think the reasons the tests came back good for my heart was because they were testing for traditional problems.. I never told them about my drug abuse because... Well.. I can't, and I'm not going to. I can't bring myself to tell a doctor that, and I sure as hell can't bring myself to tell my family either.

Thoughts? Is this in my head? What should I do to stop this? I can't seem to pull off the mental tricks to fix it, so maybe I should take medication. I can't do that though... I can't take drugs I'm not familiar with now because the effects of something I haven't felt, even if they're supposed to be calming, freak me out and just makes anxiety worse. My mouth gets dry and swallowing feels weird and it's "###$, is my throat swelling? Can I inhale air okay? Hell, I don't know, I'm messed up, if I couldn't I might not even know". Or "my heart just palpitated.. Are these drugs affecting my heart? Is it going to 'set it off'?".. Stuff like that, you know =\.. So I don't think I can take medication

Sorry for length.. I appreciate those who took the time to read this/offer advice.. Because this is changing me for the worse. My friends used to describe me as "the chill dude" in highschool.. And I was "chill" I think. I used to be good with stress and now I'm just not. It gets in the way of things, socially too. Sometimes I'll be talking to my friends and I'll lose my words mid-sentence.. Reallly awkward and it is happening increasingly often

edit-
Oh, I have to mention.. My heart problems don't just come from anxious situations. I can be relaxed laying down just watching TV or something and it can hit. This kind of worries me too.. I could understand if it only happened when something was wrong.. But anytime?

Another sleepless night... Fucckk. No matter how tired I am I just can't sleep >.<'. I literally feel like I could just collapse, so I lay down, and then more energy comes. What is up with this?

Triple postttt. Not meaning to bump this thread (well, it's actually currently first on the page, so o.O), I just figure I'll sorta use it as an outlet and maybe that could help.

Home alone once again. My sister left to go to my best friends house, whom she is now dating.. Which has taken a massive toll to the point where I don't expect he and I to be friends much longer. My mom went to her boyfriends for the night, too. This ######6 sucks because, well, I don't entirely know. I used to love being alone but ever since I began developing anxiety I hate it with a passion. It makes me nervous.. And I haven't the slightest clue why.

It's 8:40 pm now.. Not looking forward to it getting any later than it already is. I can already tell it's gonna be a rough night >.<

Another night alone.

I really messed up. A few months back I kicked an addiction of taking sleeping pills in large amounts for recreational effects. I personally think this is a big factor in why I am the way I am. But tomorrow I have to get up early, prepare for a camping trip, and then set out. It's 3 a.m. and it's too late to still be up.. So I broke down and took some sleeping pills (recommended dose). I didn't think it would bother me..

It was about 30 minutes ago and now I'm starting to kind of freak out. Almost feels like the onset of some of the panic attacks I've had before.. But this time I'm alone =(. My hands are numb and shaky. I know this is most likely a product of my imagination but there's something in the back of my head telling me that it's damaging my body and that's why it's happening (I have a huge fear that my addiction did major harm to me). Why in the hell did I do this?

My anxiety is causing me to ###$ up bad now. I pretty much lost my best friend today as well as a handful of other people and I think I've done significant damage to the relationship I have with some of my family members.. All from one little episode.

The panic attacks are different now. Instead of constant fear and stuff, I get different feelings. The feel of fear is there and the whole "I want to run away now but nowhere to go and nothing to do" is strong... But I'm starting to just lash out at others. I'm so irritable and when something gets to me I take it very seriously (which is why I told my best friend to go ###$ himself and that I was don't messing with him)..

I'm completely done with this. I hate it and I can't do it anymore.