Too much on my plate...

Ok, so this post is going to be about me. I already posted about my sister, whom I am worried about, but I need some advice on my issues.
I have never really been a healthy person...severe asthma since I was young, mitral valve prolapse (which causes palpitations, shortness of breath, which leads to more anxiety), and then Stage 0 cancer in 2004. But the biggie hit in 2009, when I was diagnosed with a rare, invasive breast cancer. I did chemo, and during chemo, my mom died. I was so very sick, but nothing compared to how much her death hurt. She was an amazing woman, period. My best friend. I have no idea how I got through the next few months, it's all a blur of being sick, crying alot in the car or the shower, but putting on my brave face when I was with others, especially my sister, who was having a really hard time with my mom's death.

I had a really rough time during chemo, and had to stop early. I have spent the last two years recovering, which is extreme I think. I have had many physical problems since doing chemo. It is often an effort just getting up off the couch. My palpitations are getting worse, I get headaches, and my stomach is constantly in a knot. Every minute, every day, as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Despite all this, I think I am doing pretty good. I take care of my family, I fix things that are broken. I talk to my friends, mostly online these days, because I really don't feel like seeing people other than my family since my cancer. This is one problem that I am acutely aware of: I really don't want face to face contact with friends anymore; I think it's because once I got cancer, it just got in the way. I wasn't viewed by others anymore as ME, now I was the 'me with cancer', if that makes any sense. I just didn't want to talk about it.

I think what bothers me most is that I haven't returned to work. I am a substitute teacher, and I am so scared that I will have palpitations, or shortness of breath while I am subbing, or that my chemo-brain won't work efficiently enough to handle a group of children. I am tired all the time, and I will say to myself, "starting Monday, I'll try going back to work", but then I don't do it.

Now I'll tell you what I think: I think that since my diagnosis, I obviously live in a fair amount of fear of the cancer returning. Therefore, every minute I spend doing what is important to me...being a mom, a homemaker, being with my family...is priceless. Home is my safe haven I guess. But I feel like I am being lazy, that I should be working...but I am afraid to go back. Plus I am so tired all the time. I have no energy.

I have a fairly stressful life....a daughter with 2 rare disorders, who is very sick; my own physical issues; my husband living 1700 miles away because there were no jobs here, and he was laid off for much of the last 2 years; huge financial problems; and on top of that, I am trying to fill in the void that my mother left when she died for my father and sisters. I will admit that I am one to put my fake happy face on, to pretend to be the strong one, I even fool myself most times. But inside I feel like I am falling apart, or about to explode. Life seems so unfair lately. I try to be positive, to help others like my sister, my dad, and other breast cancer patients who are just starting this horrible journey. But I am finding that being the strong one is wearing me out, especially since I am the one in the family with the most hard stuff to deal with.

I joined a gym, hoping it would help me to feel better. Sometimes it does, but it doesn't last long. I can't afford a therapist. I have Xanax, I cut them up into quarters, lol, and if my anxiety, palpitations or breathing get bad, I take one. But I don't like to feel more tired, and have never taken a whole one.

Thank you for listening. sorry if it's kind of all over the place, I just needed to say this, to get it out.

Hey,

I can somewhat understand what you're going through. When times become tough for me, I just try to stick to doing what I regularly do - i.e. a schedule - as this means less stress by the means of knowing what's ahead of me. The uncertainty can at times be a killer for us. I think that you should also continue talking talking and talking. Your 'friends' might not be the best options but you can reach out to other people. This time of your life can also be about moving it (your life) to a new path. We cannot always hold onto the same people from our past, nor can we hold onto the same sentiments.

The fears that you have would I'm sure be labelled as anxiety. However, what is the best way to overcame a fear? By facing it, right? fears created anxiety, but we can spend some time thinking about our fears so that we can then learn to face them in controlled ways. So, try to think about your sub teacher role and about what you'd actually be doing in the class. You've got the experience already, right? It should be easy, but I know that it doesn't seem that way right now. All that I ask is that you send to think about this and other fears that you have; and about how you'd be able to manage them.

Take care,
Kevin